h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*puts on extra thick socks and steel toed boots, a gas mask and a snazzy orange tie*

Okay, let's get this over with.

I would love to dance, Bagpuss. Thank you for asking.

Can I have one of those too, Bagpuss? Very decent of you.

*The seal turns to survey the action out on the floor*

It's no good saying you'll do it once you've got her mad, y'know. She's going to kill you. Her kind throw elephant seals around like rag dolls.

...Should be good, this...

*offers to Pinniped and arm to Hypatia*

Eight tonnes of glistening whale-meat tower over the VP. Her eyes blaze.

... Tho what took you tho long, Thy-eep-Boy? Don't you like me or thomething?

Serves him right. And I thought he liked Orchid. I certainly want her to have a good time.

Bagpuss, is that a rumba I hear? *takes his arm and walks toward the dance floor*

*looks over to President and the Seal, who are snickering and sticking their tongues out, like little immature children...*

Well, Orchid, let's show them. I'll let you lead.

*proceeds to dance that finest dance that ever there was*

*goes back to work. And is not tripped on the way*

*desperately tries to remember how to dance to a rumba*

Unfortunately, the VP appears to have been followed back to his office...

Oooh, Thy-eepy! You danthed ecthquithitly. Thorry - did I thtand on you a bit?

Anyway, now it’th jutht uth two, I want to confeth thomething. Ever thinth I thet eyeth on you, I’ve wanted you. Pleathe make me yourth, Thy-eep-Boy…

Bagpuss I want you for the Paso Double, you sexy old cloth cat you.

*Goes in search of *

Bagpuss, I wonder if the Administration should offer ballroom dancing lessons to the entire staff. It's wonderful exercise, you know. And I could use a bit more of that. It would be much more fun than treadmills and free weights.

Ok, well don't tell anyone this, Orchid, but I'm afraid that the sheep and I already have our eyes on the seal. Mum's the word though, eh? Shh.

Reefgirl, I'm too old for this constant dancing. * She hands bagpuss over for the Paso Doble.

Has anyone seen Jodan and Orchid?

*waves to Reefgirl as he dances with Hyp - a vague memory and a bit of improvisation go a long way*

Bartender! for the lady. And I'll have a bottle while you're at it.

...Tricky time with whales, y'know, when they're four. They get a bit frisky at about that age. Don't think much of her taste, though. Still, that'll teach him not to play hard-to-get...

*dances the Paso Doble with Reefgirl*

Darned simulposts.

*small whale appears from corridor at the end of the hall, in floods of tears and convulsed with sobs. Quite a lot of plaster falls from ceiling*

*Gets thrown around the floor, macho style by Bagpuss*

Phew this is knackering this dance

*hands small, distressed whale a

Here, sweetie - never mind - there are plenty more fish in the sea.