h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Right... so that's dusty boxes then.

*Caper Plip disappears in a puff of chalk nonchalantly and reappears behind FwT. Suddenly, the scene is very much different as FwT finds his underwear pulled up over his head.*

unless I went commando
[shudders] Decides that CP now needs councilling, so brings in Freud, who lays CP on a couch, and proceeds to council her... by the end she is a snivelling wreck...Freud feels he's done a good job, ad leaves with a smug smile on his face...

Snivelling? I don't think so!

*Pleased with her great acting skills, she strolls away as if nothing had happened.*

Let's see, what else can this novice learn? Quite a lot, it seems, by the look of it.

*Caper Plip waves her magic tennis racquet and Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen appears, paintbrush and designs in hand. The 'interior designer' ignores the walls of the warehouse and instead heads straight for FwT, redesigning him in such a way that he appears to have come straight out of a tart's boudoir, complete with frosted pink lipstick and leopard-skin print skirt.*

I think it works really really well!

That's what he would have done... if he hadn't headed straight for me and slipped on the pancakes: oh no Laurence has sprained something and can't do anything

But you should know that wherever Laurence goes, that woman with the big gob also goes: she deafens CP, leaving her twitching on the floor...

Slipping on a pancake... right... I don't think it's possible to slip on Scotch Pancakes but I suppose it'll have to stay... and I didn't realise Diarmund was a woman!

*FwT gets tangled up in the snakelike twines of Lawrence's hair and is drawn into the hairy mass of Georgian-style foppishness, unable to move.*

The grasshopper jumps higher than the earwig

Ms. Trunchbull [from matilda] appears, and tells Laurence to cut his hair at once, at ONCE I tell you. She then grabs him by his ear and swings him like a shotputt into the distance.... until he disappears from sight... Ms Trunchbull then approaches CP...

*Caper Plip, always with the chalk, does a telekinetic trick and tells Miss. Trunchbull by using the chalk to write on the wall that 'MAGNUS IS OUT TO GET YOU, AGATHA! GIVE JENNY HER HOUSE BACK BEFORE THE PRICE RISES AGAIN!'*

*The Trunchbull grabs her heart and dies of an arrest. Caper Plip then trains the chalk on FwT, and it shoots right up his nose and stays lodged there, making it itch in that place where if you try and scratch it you'll give yourself a nosebleed.*

Yes, everyone's read that book...

she 'served' [hahahaha] her purpose... what about this one... Soutine enters behind CP, with his tattoo needles ready: after several hours of painful needling, the tattoo on CP's back is complete, and in walk several art collectors....

You might not have read this one, I hadn't heard of it before I got it unexpectedly in a set [evilgrin]

*Caper Plip admires the tattoo as it now makes her more like the Wimbledon 2001 champion Goran Ivanisevic. Unfortunately, the tattoo is a mere copy, so the art collectors sigh in dismay and turn to leave.*

*However, one of them spots the leopard-skin print on FwT's skirt and in a fit of possessiveness, rips all the clothes off FwT and sells them on the black market for a ridiculous amount of money.*

And it appears that what is left on you isn't impressive at all

how rude!! [FwT conjures some new clothes]
FwT throws his voice onto CP, who then proceeds to tell a joke about Dwarves, and how stupid they are.... thousands of dwarves appear to attack CP's kneecaps

*Caper Plip turns into Roberto Carlos, complete with the sounds of samba, and kicks all the dwarves bar one back to their dwarven mines.*

*Taking a short run-up for the final dwarf, Caper Plip strikes it and the ball veers off to the right of FwT, before it snaps straight left and smashes FwT through the wall of the warehouse and outside... but the spin on the makes sure that FwT doesn't land on the earth for about 250 miles.*

FwT jumps on the conveyor belt that is conveniently beside him, and moves back to the warehouse, whilst dusting himself and rubbing his sore backside... Honey I'm Home!!!

*Caper Plip pulls a lever and FwT goes backwards on the conveyor belt from whence he came.*

dagnabbit!! FwT finally gets his brain in gear and jumps off the conveyor belt and runs to the warehouse....
...stopping for an ice-cream, a drink and some squirty cream [randomly] along the way....
....six hours later he arrives in the warehouse to find CP asleep, so he gets a magic marker and draws amusing picture on her face, and the puts squirty cream up her nose...Golden Syrup I'm home!!

Ahem... lack of continuity there... try to keep continuity as I most certainly was not asleep in my last post

*Caper Plip disappears in a puff of chalk and changes into Ozzy Osbourne. She grabs FwT and with a swift movement, bites his head off whilst kneeing him in the nadgers at the same time. She then turns into TV chef Jamie Oliver.*

Absolutely pukka, mate!

*She takes FwT's body and puts it under a tea towel. Taking a large hammer, she then begins to bludgeon the body à la Jamie and sticks it in an oven to roast.*

Now mate, all we need is a nice pair of chestnuts to roast and then we'll be pukka!



Nope, those chestnuts are definitely rotten

But we can always try...

*She pulls out a meat cleaver, cuts off some more of FwT, roasts them and feeds the final dish to the decapitated head.*

Totally pukka, man!

*a fork of lightening illuminates the clouds of chalk, striking the floor, and causing a trans-demesional portal to open. Through the portal emerges a blood red piscine figure, cackling maniacally*

Muahahahahaha

*The figure moves into the light. It is Redfish, God of Athiests, Agnostics and Free Thinkers*

Hello chums. Long time no battle.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait your turn, Redfish! When FwT and I have finished this friendly, I'm sure you could find somebody to bash!

hmmm...

I was implying that by the time I got back you would fall asleep at waiting so long... anyway onwards! It would seem that I'm out for the count, so I concede: throws down his jaunty hat, good fight master!!
Who's gonna fight Reddog, or is it a melee?

Good battle! Well fought out!

Well, if you and Redfish battle, it'll count on your win score if you win! I think you two should battle!

Again, I found that battle very enjoyable!