h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~Steps out of tub and shakes himself~

~Admires glistening fur now restored to all its magnificent beauty~

~Decides to change tactics and gives Caper Plip his most devastatingly irresistable wolfish grin. Turns personal magnetism up to maximum~

Hello Baby.

~leers~

*Caper Plip looks the canine up and down and shakes her head.*

Are you Marat Safin? Nah, didn't think so. But I think I know someone who might be interested in you...

*She rings up someone on her phone, and out of a temporal space-time warp pops out two small children.

I'd like you to meet Veronica and Francine. The two most irritating scallywags in the history of irritation.

*The two children spot the canine and run up to it, hugging it tightly, tying pink ribbons on him and dressing him up as a doll, complete with green frilly knickers, blue bonnet and fluffy mittens. Red Dog cannot shake off the children and is stuck with the clothes!*

Ahhhhhh, look at the little doggy!

~looking a bit silly Red Dog nevertheless removes his `First Ones` copy of Battle of the Gods rule book ~

~looks at two additional parties introduced by Caper Plip and notes contravention of rule No 2 `Though teaming up between parties is allowed, a single researcher cannot command more than one party at a time`~

Oh dear Caper Plip I'm afraid that you should honourably forfeit at this point

Ah, but I have to disagree...

In terms of party, it means two gods teaming up. In terms of mortal entities, it makes no reference.

ie Rule 1)The other party...
Rule 2) Though teaming up between parties is allowed, a single researcher cannot command more than one party at a time. i.e. No creating your own army of gods to gang up on one person

Party in this respect is defined as the deity involved in conflict or deities invited to participate in the conflict.

However, not more than one deity can be commanded...

Veronica and Francine are mortal beings and no reference is made to mortals in battle.

Neither am I commanding them (re: Rule 2), they are doing this of their own free will; ie they see a dog, they hug it and squeeze etc etc.

I have merely brought them here as they have previously expressed interest, ie constantly singing How Much Is That Doggy In The Window through my prayer answerphone; in decorating a small puppy such as yourself.

I have merely answered their prayers.

Don`t agree - clear violation in my book. I`m calling on MoG you`re stretching a point past believability. Sorry.

Ok.

CP, I just read my last posting and it comes across a bit harsh .. didn`t mean to do that - it`s obviously a side-effect of being forced to wear daft clothes

...... it won`t stop me from beating you though

*fresh from the Temple of Ra, jauntily outfitted in her new feather boa (compliments of Raven) and with Saturn Girl's rings spinning dizzily a few inches above her hallowed noggin, MoG mixes a cosmicpolitan and pulls her laptop from her magic bag*

The Rules.... hmmmmm.... here they are:

2) Though teaming up between parties is allowed, a single researcher cannot command more than one party at a time. i.e. No creating your own army of gods to gang up on one person.

Okie dokey. First of all, those urchins are NOT gods. Not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, they are figments. They have no will of their own. Put simply, they don't constitute a party, no matter how many of them a god choses to call in, or how wildly they debauch, pillage or loot once they've been introduced to our motley crew.

*thoughtfully sips *

I'd have to define 'party' as U number. The way I read it, that rule says y'all procreative types are honor bound to command only one U number in any given battle, and may not overpopulate our little chunk of the universe with the express purpose of creating a singleminded gang o'godlysnatchers to overpower your opponent.

*reads further down, to the footnote*

"This can be overruled, if both parties agree."

Hope that helps. Now, carry on....

*hic*

~shapeshifts into Bobby from the Practice~

The rule surely has been set specifically (and by your own logic you seem to concur) to allow only `U` parties to get involved in the fracas. Therefore bringing in Non-U personalities cannot be recognised as legitimate parties and therefore cannot affect events on the battlefield.

If it were otherwise I could whistle up the whole of the ACF airforce, navy, plasma canons and all, tear my opponent to ribbons, administer a bit of battlefield mercy and claim victory. That doesn`t seem fair and by the same measure neither does bringing in any other Non-U's into the fight.

Having gone back to the labyrinth battle I also note that Apollo wasn't defeated by Caper Plip but by the action of bringing Apollo's Mother-in-Law into the battle - a Non-U. Thi sin hindsight does not seem fair. I beat Apollo by shapeshifting into an ex-girlfriend which satisfies all the rule and your judgement criteria.

Logic and good sense takes me to the point where I can`t see the legitimacy of Caper Plip`s victory over Apollo nor the acceptability of bringing in other non-existant entities into play. There has to be some consistency to all this.

As a First One I therefore argue for the clarification of rule No 2 so that _only_ U's can fight and that the effect of introducing non-U's into the battlefield is prohibited. Otherwise it starts to get a bit silly [did I really hear myself say that]

I rest my case M'lud.

~sits down to applause~

*enters Asgard wearing little more than his hero-issue thong and fur accessories, weild a really big sword*
um, hello, im looking to become a god of some sort and i was directed to here. do i have to usurp one of you, or can i sneak into the pantheon while you look the other way?

*waves to Uncle*

*'s in admiration at the rippling muscles and the extra-large thong*

Hi Unc - ignore my outfit .. having a bit of trouble with the ladies at the moment.

*grins sheepishly*

I see that you`ve lodged your application for God-hood would you care to join me against Caper Plip ? I think she`s around here somewhere - careful though she`s a slippery character. Oh and check your thong - if that is all padding you`re OK - if it`s all real then watch your vitals matey

Welcome, Unc! We're always looking for more gods bearing gifts around these parts.

*a pair of tiny horns sprouts from her head, putting a fresh spin to MoG's orbiting rings as she manifests as The Devils Advocate*

Well said, Red Dog. I agree that the rules need to be clarified. However, I'm not at all sure that logic and good sense are always the best tools to use in this segment of the universe, at least not exclusively. Silliness abounds, and rightly so.

I'd propose that figments should be allowed to enter the battlefields on a limited basis. That they can stir things up and create causes which must be dealt with, but that they shall not have the power to immortally wound or disable the oponents. And that the introducer of the figments may describe their actions, but is not allowed to assume the reactions of legitimate parties to those figments in posting.

Does that sound like a reasonable compromise in an unreasonable world?

Admirable Ma`am, more than acceptable.

*bows to superior wisdom*

*daft outfit disappears in a puff of reasonableness*

Now where`s that bluddy tennis playing God.

Rearranges `Caper Plip` to read `P Crap Pile`

Come on `P Crap Pile` where arrreee yyoooouuu. Come out and playeeeee.

*Assumes Ninja fighting posture*

sheesh... all this legal technicality stuff in the BoG Good thing I enlisted you MoG

By the way, there is a page with the fight records on it.... you can find the link on the BoG page. Give me any suggestions!

*awaits the battle of the Dog goD and P Crap Pile.... with Unc joining in *

*Caper Plip reappears in a puff of chalk, dressed in the England football kit and holding a fresh from the England/Albania match ( England 2; Albania 0).*

Fairly judged, ma'am!

*She waves to Uncle Henry who is waiting for this battle to finish and offers him a . She spots Red Dog waiting for her.*

*She begins to sprint round and round the battlefield, away from the dog. Red Dog follows in pursuit, in a scene that seems like it is from Monty Python's Life of Brian. Unfortunately, Caper Plip great athletism and stamina lets her run for a very long time, and the canine begins struggling. After three dozen good rounds of the field, Red Dog collapses, cramped, knackered and almost has a heart attack.*

*Caper Plip starts humming You Will Never Walk Alone whilst doing a victory lap.*

hmm...obviously red dog is a weak god if he can be bettered in a one post situation. however, my cunning rush will give him time to recover and hopefully come to my aid before i am fried by a vengeful goddess...
*cunning rushes screaming battle cries at Caper Plip*
I better be granted powers. or at least sit at his right hand for this

*Caper Plip finishes her victory lap and spies Uncle Heavy screaming at her.*

Is it the end of the Caper Plip?
Umm, no.

*Caper Plip quickly dons her Olympic kit with a pair of high-grip rubber gloves, grabs Uncle Heavy by the gonads (protected from the lightning by the gloves) and swings him like a hammer thrower.*

*She lets go after reaching high speeds, hurling Uncle Heavy at Red Dog, bowling them both against a brick wall at the edge of the fields.*

I think that's a new Olympic record!

Woohoo! *holds up a huge 10 for Caper Plip* I say we should start new Olympic games, for Goddesses (and I guess any God wishing to throw around their fellow God) We could branch it off from the Battle of the Gods Any other Goddesses interested, let me know

Your's Truely
The Bombshell Goddess

caper, you may like to find the h2g2 laws of continuity and then read them. i think you might find them interesting.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A496091

id kind of liked to have had a say in what happened to me...


*UH finds himself entangled in the divine armpit of reddog. yum*

~A sad Red Dog appears~

I`m sorry folks but I`m leaving h2g2 - my reasons are on my space.

To tidy up a loose end I concede to Caper Plip. Well fought Girl.