h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Hands the Red Pill over to Dai........Gulp.....Glug Glug Glug Glug*

There you go M'boy!

* Dai suddenly wakes up, realises that he is really a human battery in a machine run world........all the connecting cables fly off him and a machine suddenly flies up, looks at him and flans him in the face before flushing him down the toilet*

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wake up Dai - you are "THE ONE". The Mad Lab had you for a while, but welcome back..........

*Its the Doc! Bald, all mouth and Black Leather trenchcoat, smelling mildly of moth balls and a pair of Groucho Marx specs on with no arms*

*rises from her slumped position in the corner, having been flung, wet haddock style, to the far lab wall, slid down into a tangled heap and dreamed the dream for a few hours....
IB walks casually over to the cupboard and opens the door, slips inside and after a bit, can be heard making dinner.....oh yes, extensive, gordon ramsay type kitchen arrangement in there folks....haven't you been paying attention?
arrives out with genormous silver platter of titbits and fancies for everyone... dressed as florence nightgale (short skirt version)you know our IB never likes anything that drags the ground.....

unless.....


sees the doc, dai, the prunes, which she had to admit did look a bit off, and offers him some ripe plums from her platter, tho she can see the doc eyeing her fruit with a view to 'curing' her.. a curious desire to be cured comes over her.....

smiles benevolently at the hatcheck girl, who, in all her innocence has confided a rather alarming bluberry ailment and is regaling those present with the story.. while the doc tries to persuade her up onto the slab with a slap on the rear and a nonchelant tilt of the head...and a crazed glint in his eye..*

Eyes up IB's double Zeds and starts drooling.............

NO NO! Quick IB - have a red pill and lets escape. Its the Madtrix - it has us all - Dai is "The One" and even now is getting way cool black Leather outfits for us all!

"A massive rumbling is heard, Dai crashes through the door in skin tight leather long johns topped off with a full length leather trnch coat which trails on the ground as he's heard IB is into such things. Quite what the door was doing dressed like that we will never know but Dai is wearing the same outfit and sitting upon a throbbing Italian motorcycle with his helmet on the tank"

just so i get me story straight...is it a throbbing italian or throbbing motorcycle.... cos if it's the former, i'm firin up the rocket pack as we speak.. choks awayyyyyyyyyy...


anyway

*had been eagerly reaching out for aforementioned red pill.. then sees dai's mouth.... smudged as if he has been away kissin that h'nicky again.but she don't wear that colour lippy.. gets paranoid and starts to back away, alarmed... who can she trust? sexy lookin dai in his leathers, tho it is past noon.... they don't smell right..
or...doc, lab coat, bloodstained and wild haired..with that 'look' in his eye..

puts hands up to face, alarmed, and stands, (silent movie style) looking from dai to the doc and back again in an exaggerated fashion...*

(by the way folks...did any of you do the answers on a postcard thing? cos we had a poor response to that one and we're quite frankly a little dissapointed in youse..... thought you were more tuned in that .... i mean really.. doesn't take much..pen and a bit of card.. what's wrong with you people?)

*strikes heroic pose, waits for audience applause, not a sausinge*

i heard you my capitain, but would it appease you any that i havn't read the last 180 posts? and thusly i have no idea of what the you're on about

*prepares self for dirty great big splunge for non-attendance*

"Throws his leg over his throbbing Italian steed, there just something about Italian twins he can't resist! Removes his designer sunglasses which have probably been the reason he crashed through the door and walks teords a gibbering IB"

There , there flower, calm down this is not smudged lippy on my mouth, I was eating one of your plums rember (ooerrr, thanks the gods in heaven IB is all woman) now just pop this in your mouth and everything will be fine, look I've got some lovely expensive leather outfits for every one nad you can have first pick, now open wide......

"Dais phone rings"

Haloo? .... Uhuh, ... yah.... uhuh,uhuh, mmmm uhuh.... OK, exccellent ciao.

Good news folks, Nokia are sponsoring so we can go big budget! Thye just upped the Sony ericcson bid so, lets do this thang!

"Throws grunge bucket of best flan juice at Count Jim"

Get back there and read them, hell man I had to and in some cases twice!

but theres too many, too many

*mind takes a nose dive at contemplation of having to spend time reading all the posts twice.*

*hits dai with himself*

"Puts on best Maor Bloodnok voice"

You filthy swine you, thats self abuse!

*puts on equally good bluebottle voice*

eee heee

my captin, my capitan, you would not turn on the dreaded electric 660 while i am still holding the wires would you?

*looks at wires in hands*

Switches to equally good eccles voice"

Hallloooooo. Watchs dis switch do den?

"click"

Phhhssst crackle pop!

"Switches back to Dai"

Its all right for you CJ, some of have been down to the video shop getting the Matrix triology so we have some flaming idea of waht the hell we are talking about!

I ain't putting anyting in my mouth that me mammy hasn't vetted....so there. (pfffffitingggggg....as she spits across the room to the old metal spitoon, from the days before, dare it be mentioned.... hot air filled items)
*spoken in best marilyn munroe voice... can't do many cos she's programmed that way....glares at the doc, for his lack of imagination on the voicebox implant*

hey....jim baby...don't you need a wire-handling licence for that kind of activity?

"Doc and Dai run after a glaring IB, carry her to the slab and strap her firmly down."

Now come on honeybuns, open wide its for your own good... take the red pill or it will have to be an injection and you know how you feel about little pricks at this time of day!

* A 12 foot wide comedy Cream Pie gets hurled at Slim Jim Moriarty for non attendance over the last 180 posts*

Now keep up Jim! Dai is "The One" (Uh Huh Huh - Than yo verry much), we are all prisoners of the Madtrix and we need to find some bloke in white rambling on about nothing in particular and give him a good slap for ruining a brilliant movie!
Meanwhile, there are some blokes in black shades bunting us down and they are armed to the teeth with various pastries, cream pies, fondant fancies and other sundry good chucking food.
IB over there is in her tight Trinity leathers, I am having instructions on how to fly a Datsun Sunny uploaded, Dai (The One) is in his best mysterious hero gear and these damn glasses are falling off my nose...................

*blurring white shape speeds forward the Doctor*

*blur stops, revealing a figure in white leather. He pushes Doc's glasses further back on his nose*

There you go, sonny.

hmmmmphhhh.
*very very indignant indeed, IB sticks out the lip, accepts that she's powerless, faces the wall in an enormous sulk..looks like she might even squeeze a tear or 2 out.. glances back to see if anyone is looking..and re-faces the wall*

sniff sniff

"Dai gives the snifing IB a hug"

There there flower it will all be ok, now be a good girl and get this down you, we got leather costumes to fill and I think on page 24 you get to go for a ride on the throbbing Itaian.......

" pauses and look s round, notices new comer in white leather outfit"

Ooooh hallo, I'm Dai this is my Friend Doc, nice to vada your jolly old eek!

"Cough, splutter, retch"

Hey Doc I think I'm expereiencing flash backs...

Vada? My jolly is hardly eek.

I am Prince Pazuzo, of Antarctica. But my friends call me Prince Pazuzo, of Antarctica.

My enemies call me "Argh argh argh erhkkk...(die)"

Howdy.

Greeting Prince Pazuzo, of Antarctica, your not familure with Princess Dwonda of the Kerpluk empire are you, we helped her with her quest for the sacred spatuala.

" Grins inanely as he thinks of where the Princess hid the spatula"

So what can the Doc do for your dear boy, I'm on triage duty deputising for NJA, we are in a frightful flap at teh moment, did I tell you I am 'The One!

"Does crazy leap in the air, spins his leathers flowing arround him, stops time, Parps, restarts time and lands neatly in front of the Prince"

Sniff, sniff, errr bowel problesms perchance?