h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

YES INDEED MORTIMER (sniggers)
This is your long lost cousin..... Unfortunately he can't be with us today but has sent along his friend and playmate Nellie the Elephant to pay you back the fiver he borrowed back in ninteen senenty five, when he needed that pack of rawlplugs....
*points at a waving nelly, sitting on the back 4 seats, in a sparkly tu tu and frilly tiara..*

BUT....Morty...HAH HAH...CAN I CALL YOU MORTY (beams out at the audience, at his little personal touch)
THAT'S NOT ALL. we have another surprise for ya...

(pauses while a small dog goes by on a unicycle)
haha. ha ha ha...yes, ...well

Morty (beams again, way way too widely)
did i say 'this is your life'? oh. yeah..i did...(beams again)...i love saying that...that's the best bit..
anyway

remember the first anchovy pizza creation you made? enhcncements still intact and looking might i say rather ravashing, here is ..... eh.... someone to see you......
*large sweeping gesture with hand and curtain goes back...out comes IB dressed as a witch..Anchovy pizza on head at jaunty angle under pointy hat trying desperately not to look like IB, grins and runs over....
'dahling' she gushes.... 'been sooooooo long, you look faaaablas'

*whispers to dia from the row behind him*

im sorry to say that unless you say your sorry right now, you will be put on the not enimys list for the NMA and since were good friends we dont want that to happen but the weasels insist so...

you should appologise to them before we get to the point of dismembermen

*turns out the inflatable studio has a built in sophisticated mic system designed for audience participation and everyone hears every word PI Phil says to Dai.. there's an audible hush then a communal intake of breath and 'ohhhhhhhhh, that's terrible'

Inflatable Zombie Eamon Andrews grins even wider if that's possible, looks quite uncomfortable and shouts
'yes yes.... what a night we have planned for you Morty..
Here is a blast from the past... (everyone hushes up and listens expectantly....)
remember this voice?...............(nothing, and eamon getting increasingly uncomfortable, then out shuffles an old geezer in a brown shop coat, carrying a bucket... grins, waves at his mum and leaves bucket by doc's chair.....doc looks in...

'WHY, IT'S BAAAAAAAAAAARRY, THE SHEEP'S HEAD.....WELL I NEVER'

What is it with this thread and inflatable stuff?

*says the infaltable PI in to the inflatable microphone that was used to brodcast his last infaltable comments from the infaltable invisible weasels to in flatable dai. he looks inflatably around for a moment then gives an iflatible shrug and sits back down*

did anyone notice howmany imfatable spellings of the word infaltable i just unflatablley used?

inflatably

"Sings"

Pump up the jam, pump it pump it pump it up......

"Appears stage right in full dress black watch scottish highland dress complete with comedy sporran for his expanding collection of blow up (refuses to use the I word) rubber products. Walks over to Doc for obliatory hug, admires sheeps head in bucket, shakes blow up Zombie Eamon by the, comes away with a couple of fingers, they all laugh hilariously as he heads over t sit beside IB"

+enters through the inflatable stage door, gives a friendly inflatable wave to the crowd. he is dressed in inflatable chainmail armor, and with many inflatable clanks, walks over to give inflatable zombie an inflatable handshake, and gives a sinister infaltable snigger. then for no adequately explained reason inflatably tackles an iflatable saled bar, then sits next to inflatable dai, whispering the word infaltable to him over and over*

*wonders in to find her seat next to dai has been taken*
excuse me, i think that is my seat pi

" Presses button on blow up remote control, the seating expands slightly, PI's seat moves to the side to be replaced with a new one with Hnicky clearly marked on the back"

There you go honey, sit yourself down and tell me all the news

*IB, after coming on stage dressed as Sir ETA,telling big long gorey slab-related stories in a rediculas, tho unbelievably deep voice for a woman,(cos the twisted assistant can't be found and they don't want to dissapoint the doc on his big night) does a quick change behind the seating area and sidles around to sit by PI..*

Hey you..(playful nudge) you getting a bit stroppy? comeon...lighten up... you can play wi me....aint nothin inflatable, blow up, or otherwise filled with hot air bout me (winks meaningfully) .....baby...

"Passes IB a certificate of non inflateablility! "

*everyone sits back and begins to enjoy the show... guest after guest arrive out...Doc, whether genuine or just because he thinks he should, all the trouble we went to an all, clapping his hand over his mouth at regular intrevals in shock and surprise, and squeezing out the odd tear

IB leans into PI, and he lightens up a bit, even offers her one of his sherbet lemons... they smile companionably at eachother....and she thinks this is very nice....what a nice man, he's coming round.....

then she feels the enormous semi automatic in his pocket...and he don't look that pleased to see her neither...

WHAT IS PI UP TO .....CAN YOU FIGURE IT OUT AT HOME FOLKS? !! ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD.............

"Hopes PI's semi aint on a hair trigger!"

*The Doc, overcome withemotion at seeing al lhis old comrades parade out in front of him reaches into a pocket to pull out a handkerchief*

PARP

*Blow his nose, wipes a tear away but fails to see the open safety pin fall out of his pocket in true Hollywood style slow motion, spinning over and over again until it lands on the inflatable stage. With a loud farting sound, the entire inflateable thread whistles round like a big balloon, scattering assembled guests and vanishing out of the window and flying away into the distance*

Blimy!

*Looks around at the slimy walls, blood stained rack and slab, Nurse NJA and Sir Evil Twisted assistant and feels Sweetpea mopping his fevered brow*

You alright Daddy?

Told you to take it easy on that Bloo Goo - were you dreaming?

*Looks aghast*

You mean.............the past 1000 posts have all been a Dallas Soap Opera Dream???

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Is the doctor in? I was passing in the hearse on the way back from the morticians ball and saw your sign, having a bit of trouble with me dried prunes and wondered if he could have a look at them.

"Has a strange feeling of deja vu"

Come on in my good man, and please stop touching up Deja Vu there, she has only just started work here as the hatcheck girl!

Problem with your Prunes, eh? No problem...............do I know you at all sir?

" Enters the lab, top hat in his hands in a very Uriah Heap type fashion"

Well Doc maybe you should take a look

"Zipppp, thwack slump...... Dumps his prunes on the slab"

Don't know whats happened to them, but I mean surely they should not be that colour?

W winks slyly at Deja Vu who giggles into her hand, obviously she's seen afew prunes in her time"

Hmmmmmmmmm, yes...........hmmmmm.........very badly discoloured, battered round the edges.........slight odour as well......hhmmmmmmm...

I think I know what your problem is Dai M'boy - these prunes are STONED!

*Looks up from the stoned Prunes for a second to see the lab wall flicker momentarily and then it is gone*

I can cure this Dai - which would you like - the Blue Pill or the Red one?

"Considers his options verrrrryyyyy carefully"

Stoned prunes eh. mmmm and here was me thinking they were just pitted! Ok doc give me da red pill and make it snappy!