h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Aha Hnicky, just the person, I believe you have a grasp of tackling people with oval shaped balls, can you help with the situation?

"Benjamin Franklin Eejit or Buck to his friends watched on in fascination at the strange goings on of these somewhat eccentic creatures. Since crash landing on this strange world some hours ago he found the natives took delight in drinking his freshly ground coffee products, paticularly the one called Dai, who was a sucker for a whisp of cinnamon> Thinking it relativeley safe and deciding to ignore Space Corp directive 7532, sub para 4 section delta he decided to remove his enormous helmet"

Greetings !

" The labites look at him not understanding"

Oh one sec, forgot the universal translator chuckle

Click!

HAALLLLOOOOO, DOOOOO YOUUUU SPEAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK ENGLISHHHHHHHHH?

*sound of thundering hooves, far and way, and over yonder grassy knoll, comes IB on trusty steed with jousting stick in hand,Unfortunately, what with gravity and horses gallops being what they are, IB not really suited to horseriding,can't see a bit of where she's going, she looks like she could be damn menacing with that jouster...

everyone scatters..except buck, who stands transfixed and practically drooling at the size of IB's double zeds.not seen those before... not where he comes from

IB eyes him with interest... gets down off neddy, and adjusts her chaps.. (Oh yes, been dressed by Julian and sandy,, marvellous good fun and great to shop with, sporting a little cowgirl outfit..that gingham shirt (once again, not really made for the proportions.. oh well. seems to be having the right effect..)

Now where's that Richard...got to joust him, or spike him or summat
it's in the script...no clue how to do it, but i expect sharp end goes in midriff someewhere yeah?

good
well. onward and upward then ok?
*turns back to Buck*

Oh excuse me...how rooooooooooood

*holds out tips of fingers*.... eye-beeee... charmed i'm sure.. and u are?....
good lord....is that your helmet?

" Staands agog at the vision of beauty before him, blonde tresses cascading of milk white shoulders complete with a massive jousting stick. Takes proffered hand in his own, bends down owing to his immense height, kisses it gentle and stares open mouthed at the face of an angel"

THHHHHEEEE NNNNAMMMMESSSSSSSSS BUUUUCCKKKKKK EEEEJIIITTTTTTT MIIISSSS, ANNNDDDD YOOOOOUUUUU ARRRREEEEEEE????????????

YEEEESSSSS TTTHISSS ISS MYYYY HHHHEEELLLLMETTTT, IIIII'''MMMM VVEEERRRYYY PPPRRROOOOUDD OFFF IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT, IIITTTTSSSS PPPUUURRRRPPPPLLLEEEE SSSIINNNCCCEEE TTTHHHEEE CCCCYYYBEEERRR IINNTTTERRRIIOORRR DDDEEESSIIIGGGNEEERSSS HHAAAVVVEEE GGGOOOTTTT TTTHHHEEERRREEE HHHHAAANNNDDDDSSS OONNNNN IIITTTT!!

*Marches in dressed as a general with a full compliment of borrowed invisible ninja weasels*

Might i be of assisance?

Hey Buck thats a really... *stops as he sees dai motioning franticly for him to stop and salveges the situation by switching tactics. motioning discretely to one his ninja weasels. he waits until the weasel invisibly kicks Buck really hard in the shin.* ...painful thing to have happen.

"Adjusts universal translator from speaking slowly and loudly to retain some sanity wehn speaking"

Click

Ahh, a military man, you must be this General Lack of Interest I've heard about, greeting General, teh names Eeejit, Buck Eejit and this lovely lady is.... ahh well she's quite delightful shall we say.....

" gazes deeply into IB's eyes, leads her to a near by chaise lounge to let her polish his helmet"

yes have fun...

*motions to weasels to make a secure parimiter and sweep area for possible enimys*

"regains conciousness after his battle with Rumbling Sid to find the area infested with Invisible weasels"

Oh crap, the Doc said I wouldnt see those things as long as I kept taking the pills,,,,,

*orders invisible weasels to dance around dai*

Hello. isnt it s nice ordinary, WEASEL FREE evening(arond here anyway)

"Pulls out super duper gatling gun with twirly barrels and anti weasel tracers, lets fly at the invisble wesel army blowing everyone to them to weasel kingdom come"

Tis now!

"Blows down pbarrels of gatling gun, thinks that IB is write, why do we do that?"

*Watches with interest as invisible Weasels run up Dai's Gor Blimy Trouser legs*

Hey NJA? Where you going?

*NJA walks over to where Buck Eejit is drooling over IB*

Oh Lord, here she goes again.........

*NJA walks straight past Buck!

Cant believe it! She passed the Buck!

"stands stunned at the sight of NJA passing anything, he's not even seen her pass the sugar over breakfast! "

Well Doc that's NJA sorted, just got to find SETA now who if you remeber from post 3158 is down a mine shaft!

Ah Doc remeber the good old posts.....

*Misty Eyed*

Ahh, yes, the good 'ol posts when the lab ran red with the blood of newcomers and every female had her lady bumps magnified to cartoon proportions. Dear old Petra Stringfellow and her Crack Armoured division of synchronised Lap Dancers..........poor old Ugg my Prehistoric Caveman driver and head bouncer and dearest Sweetpea - my demented Demonic Devious Daughter of Darkness with eight arms and a penchant for cupboards and chainsaws.....

Sigh *

"Pulls an inflateable sound system from his utility belt and goes into pub singer mode with his version of The Way we were"

Mammeries ahhhhhh
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored mammeries
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
mammeriesahhhhh, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
the way we were...

*sensing, then seeing the doc getting a tad emotional, IB can't bear it, puts 2 fingers in her mouth and gives a shrill whistle.. motions to dai to crank up the toonbox and from seemingly nowhere, the stringfellow corps arrives en masse, swinging in on ropes, matrix style,setting up with lightening speed and putting on a show for him heretofore the like of which has not been seen...*

*brings him a steaming cup of bru, sits him down, unsuspecting, on a red chair, as dai suddenly pulls a complete this is your life type inflatable studio set, complete with red inflatable curtain, and inflatable zombie eamonn andrews, cheesy grin intact*

Inflatable zombie eamonn andrews says: TONIGHT, S U P E R D O C... T H I S I S YOUR LOIFE... (haloween style).

*trotting up and down in a fetching very skimpy she-devil's outfit, IB arranges the existing labites into an orderly row, sitting behind him and invites the lurkers in to be an audience*

For Me?

Why, I have not ......well, it shouldnt be..........oooooo, I'll get you for this Dai!

*Sits down anyway*

Just dont bring on the first wife, alright?

"Stands casually stage left with large red book clasped in hand and teeth set in a permanent grin"

Yes Doc, This is your mad lab halloween life, while your fellow labites slip behind th inflateable red curtain to slip into appropriate costumes let me take you back to the 23rd of March 2004 when you first opened the lab for business with a loud ting on your desk bell offering treatment for all manner of complaints but specialising in Fruit connected illnesses, on your off days over at the Surgery.

"Doc gets all moist again, pity its not from crying dear reader"

A ot of blood has flowed under the slab since then, but tonight we can relive those magic moments as we are joined by friends, family, creditors and paternity complainants from times gone by.....

But first, do you recognise dis voice???????

*everybody gasps as they hear an old woman's voice on the tannoy, saying
'oh Mortimer Benjamin Winston Stanley, my little boy, what have you done?......what ever happened to the accountancy course and carreer with pilock pilock pilock and .yes you guessed it pilock, your future was so rosy, and now........ (sound of loud hiccough and sob). this'

* everyone looks at the red inflatable curtain expectantly, but nobody comes out.... *

all sigh in unison (monty python style) and say...'goodness' and 'oh, i don't think that was very nice do you?'...

Inflatable Zombie Eamonn Andrews coughs and laughs a bit too much... and says....
'well, we'll move swiftly on shall we?....'

look at this photo.. do you recognise this person? (picture of a large fat baby walrus comes up on the inflatable screen behind him..)

Why, its............can it be? Cousin Eldridge Pope III? We thought he had been taken away by the Circus! We paid them enough ..............!