h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Good lord! That would be both the greatest commercial ever and horribly tasteless! You'd get dozens of letters from irate parents who have nothing better to do! For the love of public discourse, get a job in advertising!

Jade whistles and walks over to the wall, knocking conspicuously on an inconspicuous wood panel. The panel pops out, revealing a small space, filled with expensive liquors and a relatively small cylindrical object. It is small, it has buttons and lights, and looks very expensive. She grins at the newbies in the room and points at it.

'Lightsaber,' she explains, and winks.

*She elbows the panel shut and walks calmly out of the room, down a long winding staircase into the dungeon, twisting left and right for what seems like eternity. Finally she reaches the nuclear bunker, built by her beloved Legion at the height of his mania. She grins at the familiar thought of him in hysterics and flicks a switch on her lightsaber. The blade grows out of the base with a phallic swooshing nose and motion. She grins yet again as she plunges the blade into the centre of the door. The metal begins to melt around it immediately.

She waits.

Not to be brief but I wasn't aware that phalluses "swooshed."

*begins knocking on the wood panelling in an attempt to find all that liquor*

*In the bunker, Legion has hysterics and squeals in his offensive Neimodian accent*

A-ah! The Jed-i are coming! Lord Sid-ious never warned us of thiis! Deploy the Rollerfluffies!

*A panel slides open in the wall outside the bunker, and a Fluffy rolls out head over heels making a little "whirrr" noise. He bounces off the wall, curses, gets up and miserably points his gun at JJ*

Fluffy: I'm supposed to be one of those rolling wheel droids from Star Wars. Frankly, I think Mr Legion has taken the joke too far. I'm......I'm supposed to shoot you now...

"Not to be brief but I wasn't aware that phalluses "swooshed.""

Neither was I. I suppose Jade's had some enlightening experiences in her time.

Actually, Sony with their Bravia ads are the new big boys to beat. You probably remember the one with all the balls bouncing down the street in San Francisco? That was real. A quarter of a million bouncy balls released down a street in Fr'isco.

Plus, the tower block ad was genius...

Oh, missed a page there...

Yeah that's an amazing advert. I heard it was real and they closed off an entire street for a whole day for a few minutes of shooting and then a bit longer to pick up all the balls again.
And the tower block one with the paint is amazing too.

Bravo Legion, bravo.

Jade yawns and fakes an advance on the fluffy, which drops its pistol in fear and scampers away. She raps politely on the door.

'Gentlemen, we could resolve this rather peacefully, you know. It's all up to you, really.'

She presses slightly harder against the hilt of her lightsaber. The metal of the doors begins to glow orange on Leigon and Hally's side.

I don't know where you've been, but where I come from /all/ phalluses make swooshing noises.

*a flash of blinding light does not distract Rivkeh from sharpening her boot dagger carefully, and then using it to manicure her nails*

Jade, darling, other than Hally making age jokes at your expense, and that little atomic mushroom, have you noticed it's been rather quiet up here?

"Gentlemen, we could resolve this rather peacefully, you know. It's all up to you, really."

*Turns to Hally nodding slowly*

She's making a lot of sense, man. I think you know what we have to do.

*The bunker's portal slides open, Hally is booted out to JJ's tender mercies and the portal shuts again*

Take the boy, but spare me! Let this offering appease the volcano goddess!

They need !!

*looks up to see Hally flying in her general direction*

Oh, bother.

*stands up, moves, and pulls a lever, opening a trap door leading to punjii spikes, towards which the hapless Hally sails*

*Hally, seeing his impending doom, whips out his godmodding devices, and activates it.*

Haha! Now I am impervious to spikes!

*Unfortunately, unknowns to Hally, his godmodding device was damaged by Legion's boot, and moments later Hally is horribly impailed on dozens of spikes, which rip through his flesh like dozens of spikes ripping through flesh.*

Urgghhhhh....

*Hally stands up, breaking the spikes off at the base, the majority still exiting through his body on the other side.*

Lucky I've nothing important in there, eh? I had all my organs put in storage years ago, for safe keeping.

Um... storage you say? Like some kind of lockbox somewhere?

*Legion's eyes twinkle. He reaches behind him and comes out with padlocked steel box*

*This* lockbox. Watch...

*Shakes the organ box violently*

Cause... I kinda stole everything inside that a while back. And sold it on the blue market.

The blue market?