h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Munchkin, the barman]
A do it yourself Black and Tan. Um, unless you were meaning the Irish sort in which case you'll have to take it elsewhere. We try to avoid politics here after "The Great Suez Arguement". It totally destroyed the old atlas we had.

That will do nicely.

*Holds in one and and in the other. Takes alternating sips.*

So what's new around here?

*assembles sandwiches, pours a little old motor oil into the frying pan and finishes up the order*

There we are. Two Snug Specials.

I didn't not mean to insult your facial hair dear barman... I think the Ming the merciless look suits you..

*replaces the beertowel that was used to dry hair*

New? ... New? ... No, I can't think of anything. ... Oh, no, wait a minute, we have a new Jubilee picture of Her Majesty, after the last one suffered a Wumbeeviling.
Anyone for some Frog and Onion crisps?

*stops to look around before entering the room, memorizing the location of every person and potential weapon*

Do you serve coffee? And that smells like good ranch bacon. I'm hungry! Make that two coffees, one for me and one for the Doc here.

*takes a seat in the corner*

*stands on the left of the room when Billy comes in, runs round the back of him when his glance moves on, stands on the other side of the room wearing a big false moustache*

*attempts to keep her sitting dragon calm.....ti's getting spooked by all these new peeps.*

I've never seen this place so busy.....

*retrieves Scorpies false tash from the floor* This yours Munchie?

[Munchkin, the barman]
Coffee? I don't think anyone has ever asked for coffee before. Lil, do we have any coffee in that kitchen there? I think we have some barely used PG Tips.

*pootles briskly up to the bar*

I think I'll have a whatsit of sweet sherry, please.

And is that food I smell?

*Bites into his sandwich, chews thoughtfully.*

The bacon is certainly...interesting.

Although not necessarily classed as food.

*wanders outside*
*runs back in*

'Ere, Munchkin, Munch, Ken, whatever, some jokers put up a sign saying "Topless Barstaff all day", maybe that's why all the newcomers.

Does it mean you or the RIB?

Er, Zan, that beertowel came from the Gents, you HAVE washed your hair haven't you?

*Admires picture of Her Majesty.*

*sips *

*Admires stains on the wallpaper.*

Is Pheroneous about much?

*Enters, looking a bit parched. Walks to the bar.*

Excuse me. Do you have some bottled water?

After momentary thread disorientation, returns with kettle of boiling water, fossilised nescafe and an icepick with which to loosen the granules' grip on the inside of the jar*

Do you take milk and sugar?

*whispering to Munchkin the barman* Do we have milk and sugar?

*Subtly digs elbows into the newcomers attempting to crowd the bar. Mutters darkly about the Rights of Regulars and the Evils of S*****ism*

*noticing the surly regulars, puts down his half-drunk *

Well, the horses are watered and we've had a nice visit, and Lord Munchkin has a fresh waistcoat. Perhaps it's time we moved on to the atelier?

*goes outside to the tram-wagon*

*returns the elbow with interest and slaps her glass down*

One more for the road, then.

*floating in, looking rather worse for wear*

I think I need a - a Gin&Tonic, please...

*rubs her eyes*

*looks*

*closes eyes*

*opens them, looks twice at what appears to be Lil*

Make it a double, please...

I think I bought a pint of milk once.

Now then Kes, no intimidating these visitors please. I'm sure it is in the rules somewhere. Surely we want to present a pleasent face of BOFdom to these people while we fleece them.
Do please all stay a while, Lil here is just getting going on the catering.