h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You're quite right, M.

*Turns towards the visitors in what he imagines to be a friendly, smiling manner, failing to notice the look of terror on their faces.*

Do make yourselves at home here ... don't mind my elbow, it has a mind of its own ..... do order more drinks and settle in ... Oh - mine's a pint of , while you're at the bar.

*serenely ignores subtle request*

But I will have another sherry.

On further reflection, however, I think I'll give the food a miss.

*Emerges from a coma induced by reading back issues of Reader's Digest at the suggestion that someone is going to be buying rounds for the house.*

Hi there! A nice large v&t for me please! With a slice!

*continues in affectineg a selective deafness at the mere hint of a mention of 'round' *

So that's a pint of , a Wolverhampton Cream Sherry, a large v&t, and hold the solids ... except for some of your excellent , a packet of sardine and custard flavoured and a pickled frog. .....

*Searches dramatically through pockets*

Ah!


I seem to have left my wallet in my other clothes ...

Perhaps someone would be so kind .... ?????

*Looks ingratiatingly around the Snug ....*

*admires the techunique of a master*

*gestures to Doc Hollijello, who has come in with him*

The Doc is flush. He'll be glad to set up the house, 'specially if anyone is interested in a small game of cards.

*Finishes his sandwich.*



Not bad! Very much like a sandwich I had a few years ago. Just before that long stint in the hospital.

*finishes her third double bourbon quickly*

A round on the Doc? Ha! Make mine a double bourbon. *winks at Billy*

Er, excuse me Mr. Barman! I say! *thumps bar* I ordered some bottled water here. I'd hate to think that you discriminate against vegetables.

*A cold breeze wafts through the snug, making the candles flicker and a few go out. The cards on the table scatter and one of the beer taps moves, starting a cascade of beer behind the bar.*

WooOOOoooOOoo Wooooo [Hey! I think I'm getting the hang of this poltergeist thing]

Wooooo Woo WooOOOooo [Only wish I could still drink the stuff]

*One of the stuffed heads on the wall blinks*

Oh dear. Barkeep, where's the bromo seltzer! Can't you see this man is sick?

*Pretends not to notice the poltergeist activity, as it most definitely looks like subversive behavior.*

*Holds his beneath the freely-flowing bar taps. Consumes haunted *
*Repeat until .*

*returns to bar from serving Billy the Kid and Doc Hollijello their coffee*
*knocks the beertap closed again then fetches the squeegee mop*

*proudly, to Munchkin the barkeep* I found some instant creamer and it serves up a treat, although I never heard of Tippex creamer before.

OK, what do we do with the spilled beer after we mop it up?

*koff*

Coffee Ma'am . Well I thank yuh fer yuh kind thoughts but that ain't mah kinder drink. Ah will take some of that fine sipping whiskey that I've been told is popular in these here parts. It loosens up mah card playing muscles yer see.

[Munchkin, the barman]
*Neatly slides through the puddle of beer to, fills a glas with some water from th tap, thus probably making it the safest thing to drink round here, and gives it to the demanding veg.*
Lil, just squeeze it out into that slops bucket and I'll make use of it later.
*Looks nervously at the poltergeist activity* I do hope that doesn't wake up that poet ghost, he was far too much trouble.

There is, he said
No need, he said,
to worry yourself about me.
For I, he thought,
can read, he thought,
my collected anthology.
But when, he cried
on earth, he cried,
will you get me a cup of tea?

*Blinks*

Pheroneous?

Munch Ken, one , please, for an old acquaintance.