h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Looks up a liitle woozily*

Mmmmm? Your round, T? I'll have another.

*Waves glass round a bit vauguely, but quite determindly*

Another sherry for Sol, and another G&T for myself, please...

*still fidgeting, wishing that the had a little bit more sense for rhythm*

*enters carrying the Earl of Lucan over his shoulder, sees an empty chair at the table with Billy and Doc Hollijello, and drops the unconscious Earl into the chair*

He just crawled out of the woods. Looks like that handy black mare of Bottomley's left him behind. Got some brandy, barman?

A sherry, a brandy and a G and T. Its the tumblers that make them all look the same I tell you.

A and for me, if it's not too much trouble.

*Stares at his pint*

S'true! They do all look the same!

*doffs hat*

Well ma'am yuh see ah'm not that kind of Physician but ah reckon we cud use mah cards Tarot like to see whut we kin do about yur ailment.

*shuffles deck in a flamboyant fashion then deals two card to m-r and two cards to himself. He turns his first card up which is an ace*

Well well well, whattaya know - the cards tell me that you are in danger of suffering a severe financial loss in the near future ma'am

I could quite enjoy this having customers larkey. Just providing everyone sticks to the rules and we can get some more fuel for the fire. All these bods seem to be preventing the heat from getting to me.

*wakes up, having been for about a month!*

are there any yet? we could put then on the fire?

The shrapnel off of those things tends to do horrible things to the slower customers, which is all we seem to have these days. And it would only lead to a rant about Christmas getting earlier which I could do without frankly. There is all that stuff we salvaged from the canal which might be of use.

*wanders up to the fire and slyly tips a handfull of hazelnuts onto the fire*

*legs it and stands by the door to watch the fun *

/* Stirs in front of the fire */

What, are those flames just painted onto the logs? I'm going to stand near the stove. please.

That's no good. Where's the real fire? There's nothing like the 'zing' of charred hazelnuts erupting from a blazing log fire.

no fair. Have to get another or then

Hmmm *Has a quick shufty at the "fire"*
He's right you know, the fire must have gone out during the summer when we were all on the terrace and some fiend has painted some flames on some damp logs. This one even has a smilie face on it. Does anyone have a match or other fire starting implement?

My Face, Your .... no, that's wrong, isn;t it? Least I hope it is.

Flammable stuff. Hmmm.

Wanders over to where the *special* optics are kept and proceeds to upend several of them over the fire (well no ones gonna drink them are they? 'fact I might as well add the bottle of Bells to it.

Right, goes out to see if there are any glowing embers left in the BBQ.

*goes behind counter and grabs frying pan, ready to return any oncoming hazelnuts*

* lopes back in like something from a film on the neanderthal *

"Fire!" he cries in reverent tones

Carefully places glowing embers on fire, blows gently on the sparks a la Ray Meers to create flames and legs it before they get to the whiskey and optics.

"Best of Luck, Lil, but I think you might need something a bit bigger than a frying pan!"

Hides behind door....

*Roots around under the bar and comes up with his old WWII tin helmet. Places on head, drinks a quick malt and hunkers down behind the bar, peering over cautiously at the hopefully soon to be fire*

*Still feeling ill*



*Wanders over near the fire and throws up on the flames, extinguishing them. Feels much better.*

You still have to pay for the sandwich.