h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Alright John, how's the missus? The gang's all here. Yes I will. No, don't mention it (please don't). Nice tan. Was it really. Oh, I am sorry. Right, me too! What's your poison?

* Peet enters the non-smoking area (both in the context of tobacco-free and not being in the fireplace) and shakes the rain from his waistcoat.

"Pint of Theakstone's Old Peculiar in an ironic glass, please!"

* Notices the slogan above the bar; smirks.

Neat touch, the irony. But you'll have to settle for pewtery, with a glass bottom. Pint of Theakstons coming up, and I may be peculiar but I'm not that old!**chuckles in a beery landlordy sort of way**. Your mate Lil's looking for you, best lay low..Oh I see, well, up to you I suppose..Nice work if you can get it..And whats so funny? My old Gran, on my Dads side, carved that herself. Did I ever tell you about..suit yourself!

Oi, don't forget your

Or even your CI_I or is it

Damn these infernal contraptions, sorry mate, just got to nip down the cellar. Don't go away!

Alright, Squire?

*Hic*

*comes into saloon holding a measuring tape, pen and small pad*
This wallpaper is... it has two coats of paint on it! Any PROPER saloon needs to have the dark red flocked William Morris design.

*espies Peet* Ah, there you are! We're having a committee meeting over in the Middle Age Subdivision thread, and the idea came up of having the BOF Inn host the Pedants' Millenium Party. A sucommittee needs to be formed and chaired, and I thought of you. I hope you'll consider it.

Pheroneous, I'll need to get some estimates. Half a dozen won't be too many will it? I'm sure you'll want to get the best possible deal. And as you mentioned fungus... *chews thoughtfully on pencil*

Lil, stint not, feel free, let your (creative) juices flow. We need the best here, to rest our weary souls, and I am in a position to provide the funds, so let your budget be unlimited. (Now you know this is not RL)

I am holding back on massive and all-pervasive publicity drive until you have worked your magic. If there's anything you need me to do, let me know. (Clients! Aren't they wonderful!)

*smug grin at having duped, sorry, encouraged, artistic types, then winces at unnecessary reminder of bank balance. Hah! At least she has proper equipment, none of these bleeping and flashing things*

I'll give it some serious thought, Lil.

btw, if you're going for the red flock wallpaper, you'll need some wobbly glass-topped tables with black-and-white photographs of H2G2 in the 1920s jammed under the glass. Not too many, mind - there should be at least two tables too few for the number of chairs provided. Oh, and the chairs should have stubby little arms attached which are close enough together to dig into the sides of anyone less svelte than Kate Moss.

Actually, come to think of it, do you think we could get hold of Laurence Llwellyn Bowen?(sp?)

He'd look good nailed above the fireplace!

Actually, to go with the wallpaper I was planning something understated and retro like warped linoleum on the floor. So easy to wash up and then one doesn't have to fiddle with the table legs to make them wobbly.

The idea, if I understand where we're going here, is to drive away the touristy types with their pink 'chardonnay' and ferns, and keep the saloon a preserve for the truly crusty and boring.

Well, then, you need to hire a couple of wet dogs, preferably overweight golden retrievers with bladder problems, to lie in front of the fire, steaming. Nothing else has quite the same "ambience", I find.

May save you some time and expense here, Lil. If memory serves, underneath this rather foul carpet (Yes, the labradors!) you may find what you're looking for. A sort of faux parquet finish if I remember. You will need, however, a couple of strong volunteers, with elbow length marigold gloves and (very) strong constitutions, to take it up.

Oooh, Lil - look what's behind this curtain!

It's a fruit machine, circa 1970s - it's screwed to the wall with huge iron hinges and the heads of the screws have been chewed up by someone with a power drill.

Someone's cut the mains cable off with a scissors, but that's OK as it only takes the old size 10p coins anyway.

(Actual period detail from a pub in my home town... )

You lot OK in here, just you've been very quiet today.

Lil, it seems from the guys in the Snug and Cellar that your faux-grotty scheme is going to go well there too!

Faux?

Listen, mate, it took years to get it like this. And what exactly are those stains on your trousers?

Those are the two clean bits - the rest are the stains. It's port wine and coleslaw - don't ask.