h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi ., young fellow me lad. A pint of our very best? Now whats all this about notes?

Hoiws that for a commute. My last was sent from work, and 18 minutes later I'm at home - well, in a hotel in Croydon anyway

Yup - I'd go for a nice now...

Croydon? What happened to Dublin? Is nothing sacred?

Here, have a and tell me about this note.

**Peers in, and looks around cautiously**

Hrrumph!!

**Makes self decidedly uncomfortable in remains of armchair**

*Pops in, leaves and a paper and a cushion as an apology for being rowdy. away again*

**Tastes gingerly.**

**Looks round to make sure no-one is looking. Takes long sup.**

Not bad at all.

**Snuggles cushion in chair and picks up paper.**

Thats better. May have misjudged the lass. This is what I call good to be back'.

**Peers over paper to make sure no-one has heard grunts of pleasure as he wiggles his ample posterior into cushion.**

*peers in, through the cobwebs and gloom* Well I never, another bar. I hope this doesn't affect my takings.

*wanders in through partition, doesn't see shady caracter behind the paper*

Ohhh, I like this place... *nips back through to thw snug, nicks copy of New Scientist and a packet of 's. Comes back in and makes self comfy in a corner*

**Peers over paper. Adjusts reading glasses. Espies fellow reading learned journal.**

Mutter- mutter. Whats all this! Boffins in the BOFInn. Whatever next.

*New Scientist slips to reveal 10yo copy of the Beano and is hurridly replaced*

*drains pint and looks around inhopes that new one has magically appeared*

*shifts fat ass back to main bar*

Hah! Alone at last. Nothing like a little solitary muttering to restore the spirits. Not to mention a little solitary drinking.

**Whereas the former P would have revelled in the absence of company, this new version seems strangely restless, and keeps looking to the door in anticipation of someone else to be rude to**

(Farts loudly, then begins to snore quietly)

*reads threads about Lifetime Suspensions and Character Assinations*

Yawn...

*snores loudly, begins to fart quietly*

*Sneaks quietly in, and rattles at the till to check its contents. Rattling gets louder and more frantic* Bother, its gummed shut.

*strolls back in with trayfull of purloined and , places it on central table. Curls up in corner again to peruse the Beano, in hand*

**Folds paper and looks around, nose twitching.**

Look chaps, there's no need to take things so literally. The 'Boring' and the 'Old'... well perhaps. But the 'Fart' was simply intended as a light satirical reflection on the lack of sphincter control of those of more mature years, or, occasionally, a mischievous delight taken by the elderly in upsetting the young people. It was never meant to be a prescription for a way of life.

**Reaches over for a nice **

**Farts**

** Farts so loudly he wakes himself **

Errrrr ummmm Phewww... I think this has gone off...

Oh these are new!
May I?

*stares quizzically at the new improved Pheroneous while calling up all his acting skills to feign an air of social curiosity, as if the cupcakes were the most important thing in the world, even as he peers deeply into Pheroneous' soul for the secrets of this new recipe for life*

Bake these yourself, didja?

*looks down at the button tops of the s - they look like Scottish tams from above - lifts one to his lips - it looks like a pert nippled young breast*

Hey! Who farted?

**Toys with idea of revealing all to jwf**

**Decides against it**

Take your mind off pert young breasts immediately! What has this place become since I fle...Oops.. I mean left.

**Espies large pile of unopened mail on table by door. Goes to it, seizes all, and chucks the lot on the fire**

Nobody could even be bothered not to read the mail! Huh!

**The top letter, in a brown envelope with the portcullis of HM Customs and Excise on it, uncurls. One fragment remains unburnt for a few moments. It reads

"unnannounced visit in the near future, when our officer"