h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A cold wind whistles forlornly (or possibly Greensleeves) around the un-signposted, almost empty, gravel-strewn car park just beyond The Terrace. Since the hedgehogs left (due to hibernation) and the squirrels departed (due to lack of ) there have been few signs of movement.

Many years ago, when tyres were not flat at the bottom, paintwork was not dull, windows were not starling-splat decorated, the battery possessed a few electrons and unleaded fuel was readily available, the SnugMobile arrived - heralded by its own fanfare of tooting horn, explosive exhaust and interesting transmission noises.

It has since languished ... forgotten (save for a family of in the glove box) ... perhaps recalling to itself those halcyon days when it was favourable compared to a Trabant and occasionally washed. The days when it would be packed with pub regulars, sandwiches and crates of ale, ready for a day at the races (or Duck Soup). Shall we ever see the like again?

Hummmmmmm. It looks a bit the worse for wear. And hasn't been started for yonks. I suppose we should clean it up a bit before we try to start it. It will look better after a good scrub. Unfortuantely, with my arthritis and the fact that I'm not tall enough to reach the middle, I shall need assistance.

Oh My God !! It's amazing,a bit of spit and polish,Kes removing the family of mice from the glove compartment first of course !!!We'll have this as right as rain in no time at all...Go and have a sit down and a drink Hyp,what with your arthritis ,it's far too big a task for you,just relax..Kes and I can do this,please get him out here pronto Thankyou !

*Rushes down the car park, uncoiling a spluttering hose. Throws a plastic bottle towards Pinky.*

Catch! Squirt this all over the car. Quick! Now for some power cleaning!

*The SnugMobile disappears behind a cloud of spray and a generous mountain of bubbles. After much diligent hosing, the bubbles subside. Parts of the car look significantly cleaner - particularly those parts on the side facing the hose. Because of rotting window seals there has also been a certain amount of collateral interior cleaning.*

There! Good as new! Just open one of the doors and let the water out. It'll soon dry in this breeze. I think I need a ...

*A slightly muffled watery explosion from within the building indicates some sort of problem with the water supply. This is confirmed by a sudden lack of hose water.*

Right! I'll just go back in and turn the tap off.

(I SHOULD have read this first Kes hahahaha) *Pinky shouts at Kes * Was it really necessary to throw that bottle so hard Kes ? You could have had my eye out then you know ? Now the car looks quite good,a bit wet,OK,soaking wet,it'll drip dry by Xmas ! Just one small detail you seem to have overlooked Kes...MICE,a FULL FAMILY of mice infact...Look,over there ......... Glove compartment,floating mice !!! Do something then !!!!!!!

Ah! The mice! You know, they don't look at all hungry to me. They look wet.

*Looks at the box of , and considers fashioning miniature swimming aids out of empty crisp packets. Rejects this in favour of temporary re-housing in the box.*

Come here. Come on. Into the box you go. .
You too! .
There.

I'll take them inside and put them somewhere to dry out. Just let me know when the engine has dried out, and I'll fill 'er up with the old chip oil and see what happens.

NO KES NO !!!! PLEASE,don't take them inside,they'll breed like rabbits if you take them into the warmth !!!!We'll be overun with them !!! They jump you know ? High as well !!! Take them to a pet shop,some child can have them for free,or,you could sell them,tell the shop-keeper they're rare !!! I would,if I wasn't so scared of mice !!!*Pinky walks back to the Snugmoblie just incase it has dried out,but checks the glove compartment with a VERY long stick,just to make sure Kes has caught every single mouse*

COMING! Look ... about the ... I know how much you wanted them looked after, but I'm afraid they've scarpered - out onto the Terrace, presumably to join the hedgehogs.

How's the SnugMobile drying out? D'you think it's worth thrying to start it yet?

SCARPERED ?? TERRACE ?? MICE ?? EVERYWHERE ??? KES !!!!! I can't believe you've done that !! Well,your gonna have to go and catch them aren't ya ? I wonder if the Snughound is any good at sniffing out ......vermin ? Take him with you,anythings better than MICE EVERYWHERE,WILD !!! ....Ermmmmmmm,you can try the Snugmobile if you want Kes...I'll just wait over here OK ? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> RIGHT OVER HERE

SnugMobile first ... hunting SnugHound second, I think.

*Rocks the vehicle gently*
Still a bit of fuel in the tank. We'll try her out with that before adding the chip oil.
*Opens boot and extracts starting handle. Inserts same into slot under front bumper. Cranks vigourously.*

*Cranks less and less vigourously.*
Hmm. Perhaps there's nothing in the carburettor.
*Lifts bonnet; inspects innards.*
Seems OK, but I'll just add a drop of Scotch from the old hip flask.
*glug, glug*

I never turned the ignition on! Silly me.
*Reaches in through front window and turns switch*
There!
*Recommences cranking*
*(Ta pocketa-pocketa-pocketa queeg spluff)*
She's loosening up ... listen!
*(Ur-dull-Ur-dull-pocketa-swiffle-triddle-triddle-triddle)*
Any second now!

Magnificent! They sure don't make them like that anymore.

Now, stop worrying about Snughound. I know where he is. I took him out for a bit of fresh air. He's back in his corner.

Pinky, I wouldn't really count on him catching those mice, if I were you. He does rather like those little yellow Peeps at Easter, however.

Mmmmmmmmmm,your right about the funny smell around here Hyp !!! I don't mean ,the whisky,or those fumes wafting from the Snugmobiles engine !!! Sort of a cooking smell,ermmmmm,Sunday roast almost,but not quite !!! *Pinky rushes off to throw more water onto Kes,just incase !!!*

*Carefully pours most of the chip oil into the fuel tank, and rocks the vehicle to mix everything up. Inserts the starting handle and commences the pre-launch procedure.*
*Crank, crank, crank*
Puffle puffle pocketa-flup
*Crank, crank, crank*
Puffle puffle puffle puffle puffle glurp
*Crank, crank, (pause, gasp) crank, crank, crank*
Puffle-glurp pu- pu- pu- grendlerendlerendle Pop! rendlerendlerendle
rattletychugchugpffiffboingrendlyrumble ... (ongoing)

There! Smooth as silk! They don't make 'em like this any more. All aboard! Bring some picnic supplies ()
Let's take her for a spin! I hear there's a vintage car rally at the park - we should blend in nicely. Who's game?

Mmmmmmmmmm,now thats sounds much better Kes,the engine I mean,purring sort of...I LOVE vintage car rallies...Do we HAVE to leave right now though ?

No, no. Whenever we're all ready. I'll leave the engine running so it can loosen up a bit, and pop back to the Snug for a fortifying snifter or two.

And I'll pop home and fix a picnic basket. Back in a jiff.

I'll go and find my driving gloves then !

*Frayed wiring makes contact with metal starting handle with electrifying results. Smouldering hat flies over the wall where (judging by the noises) it attracts the attention of several large and starving dogs.*

Just leave the switch as it was for now. I'll try the handle again.

*Crank, crank, crank.
Ffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg fluppop glippety glippety.
Ongoing noises and irregular rattlings.*

There! Success!

*Kes leaps into the driving seat*

OK. I'll put it into gear, and as soon as I've done that, you release the handbrake.

*Grunk. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEawgrpawgrpawgrrrrrrrrr*

Now would be good, Pinky!

Now you tell me Kes !!! SORREEE !!! I was distracted by the fur flying over that wall >>>>>>>>>>> You look flustered Kes,do you want me to give it a go ??? I can turn handles !!

No, no, that's fine ... just release the ... yes! Thank you! We're off!

*The SnugMobile lurches towards the car park exit at a frightening 2mph*

Right! Now for second gear.

No! Don't indicate for a right turn! We're going left. I never said "right"!

Left! Ooh!

Sorry, sorry, everyone! That was close. Good job that bus stopped so quickly, and who would have thought the cyclist could accelerate so well.

*Third gear ... a staggering 12 mph*

Steady as we go! Much calmer now. Joys of the open road.

*The road behind the SnugMobile is actually for from open. It is closed by a coming together of many vehicles which was caused by a layer of chip oil on the road surface. Fortunately the cloud of thick black smoke from the exhaust completely obscures this view from the SnugMotorists*

Can you see any road signs for the Municipal Park, Pinky?