h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Pinky pulls her sun glasses back over her eyes and tries hard to straighten the flyaway scarf which HAD been wrapped,Hollywood Style around her head* IF you could just slow down a little Kes,I might beable to see a sign post,let alone read the sign !!! I can cope with the speed,(12mph,I can do this)it's the bumps on the bumpiest road anyone could have ever driven on thats bothering me ...OUCH !!! Calm down !!!Try driving around them why don't you ? MUNICIPAL PARK >>>>>Too late,you've just passed it,we'll have to go around again now.One Way systems !!!!!!!Where's the map anyway ???

Just gone past the entrance? OK.
*Turns the SnugMobile neatly around, and retraces path.*
What was that? Well, I'm only going one way. Where did this cloud of smoke come from? What was that? It looked a bit like a lorry, or rather it looked like a bit of a lorry - fortunately the rear thereof. Look at all these headlights ahead of us! The idiots are driving on both sides of the road! What did that sign say? There's nothing printed on this side of it. Anything on the back? I think I'll turn off here anyway.

That's better. The smoke is clearing ahead of us. Where are we? Did we pack the brandy?

We're ermmmmmmmm,LOST ,thats where we are Kes..Completely,utterly and totally lost !!! I KNEW this would happen !!!!! Brandy ? You never mentioned packing brandy to me ! Can't we put the hood up ? I'm freezing cold now !! Cold ,hungry,thirsty,and it's so dark now,I'm scared !!! TWIT TWOO ....What was that ???

We're not lost ... we're just ... exploring. Yes, that's it, exploring. Cold? Yes, it is rather. I'll turn the heater on.
*Click click click. Pfffffffffffffwrrt. Gurgle urgle urgle rattledy fffffffffffsscccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gluggle.*
That should do the trick! It'll stop leaking steam as soon as the pipes expand a bit.
There's a sign coming up.
*Un-dips the headlamp. Reads the sign.*
"Municipal Park. Service access only. No addmitance to members of the public". See! We're not lost! The park is right down this road. Gatehouse coming up! I'll talk to the watchman - just leave it to me.
*Winds down window, temorarily engulfing the Watchman in steam.*

Hello, my good man. Kindly open the gate.
Pardon? There's no need to be like that!
We are participating in the town's Vintage Car meeting.
Tickets? £20 each?
No, no, I see you don't understand. We shall be exhibiting this fine vehicle. We do not have to pay admission, dear me, no.
I can see you are a knowledgeable person. You can obviously see that this vehicle is unique ... brought here at great expense to enhance the car show.
Yes, of course I will move it off your foot just as soon as you open the gate ... thank you.

Oh - before I go - we left our VIP passes to the free drinks and party tent behind. If you could just hand over some replacement passes ... thank you, so kind.

*Vroooooom*

There! Shall we party?

PARTY ??? Kes,can you just take your eyes off the road for 2 seconds and look at my wind-blown hair please ??? Do I LOOK like I'm ready to party ? *Pinky points to the tangled ,dark brown mass masquerading as her hair* Can we get warm ? Cos this steam bath isn't doing me any favours ! Have something to eat perhaps ? Then you can polish the Snugmobile ready for the exhibition !!.....Can you hear that siren ? We haven't made a fire yet ! OH NO,it's not a fire engine !! There's trouble somewhere,it's the boys in blue I think ??? Put your foot down Kes .............

Good day Land lord, pint of your best bitter if you please.
Just thought that I would pop into your hostelry for a snifter while I wait for the old Alvis to be recovered from the ditch just up the road from your car park.
I was driving down the road minding my own business listening to the Brains Trust on the wireless thingy in the car when a large bus appeared round the bend in the road. I just had time to notice a large Scottish looking person hanging out one of the side windows yelling at the top of this voice “ today Briton – tomorrow the world”
The driver I could see turning round in his seat and gesticulating to the chap to get his head in window. The bus at that moment hit a patch of what I can only describe as old chip oil and petroleum residues which I saw blenching from the rusty tail pipe of some kind of vehicle which left from your car park just as I was approaching from the opposite direction.

Thank you my Good Sir, and how much is that in old money?

Yes the last I saw of the bus was it disappearing over the embankment, funny thing, something was printed across the back of the bus, “Brown for Britain” whatever that should mean!

Hope the old girl will be OK.

The wife? No the Alvis you dope, left the wife to flag the AA chappies down.

Put MY foot down? You are doing a good job of putting your own foot down! I accept your point about needing to prepare for a party. I shall think of something just as soon as we have dealt with our followers.
*Looks in the mirror. Through the exhaust smoke two motor bikes with flashing blue lights are discerned.*

OK ... now putting foot down!
*Because said foot was positioned farther to the left than Kes had intended, the outcome is not acceleration, but rapid braking. The motorbikes are obliged to swerve around the SnugMobile, just before the path narrows.*

Ooh look! They're in front of us now!
*Puts foot down on other pedal, forcing the police to accelerate in front of them. The convoy rounds a corner. The VIP tent comes into view. Said VIPs see what is apparently a police escort for what must be a most important vintage car. There is an outbreak of waving and applause. Kes brings the Snugmobile to a halt outside the tent.*

You! You with the 'Organiser' badge! Over here! Thank you. We need a hairdryer and a make-up kit at the car - right now ... oh, and a glass of for me. Jump to it!

There! You wait here and fix your hair etc. ... I'll just have a quick word with the boys in blue.

*Kes hops out of the car, walks smilingly towards the cops, and can be heard congratulating them and dropping the name of a Chief Constable or two.*

Boy in Blue to Kes, as he frees his cycling goggles from his face and attempts to rest them on his helmet but they fly up and off the shiny surface hitting a VIP on the back of the head.
Yes, the Chief Constable, he had an altercation with a campaign bus belonging to our prospective leader and ended up in a ditch just outside an inn. Blames the whole thing on an oil slick or something. Said that a rather suspect looking vehicle belching smoke from the rear left the car park of the inn just minutes before the bus started it’s Torvill and Dean act and forced his Vintage Alvis into the ditch.
Now you wouldn’t know anything about this, would you Sir?

Err ... erm ...
What a terrible shame ...
Not the campaign bus ...
The Alvis, I mean.
Lovely old car, the Alvis,
erm ... err, ...
D'you know, I think I was right behind that smoky car you mentioned - followed it out if the car park.
I could hardly see a thing myself, y'know.
Picked up some of the oil off the road as well,
as you can see ...
Bright purple it was ...
The smoky car, yes, bright purple.
Can't be too many of those around.
Er ...
Are those your goggles on the ground, next to that dazed person?
So nice to chat with you ...
really must be going ...

And the hairdryer is ......Where ? Just point me in the right direction Kes ,give me ermmmmm about an hour and then we can get lost in the crowd (until the heat dies down or,until the Snugmobile cools down at least )...


(I'm away for one week Kes,and the bad news is,I will return,be good x)

A rather suspect ring tone of “The good old boys” sounds from a nearby mobile phone.
A few minutes later a man runs up to the grounded official.

Lt’s the Chief Constable, he says he can not make it today as the Alvis landed up in a ditch outside the BOF Inn, that’s where he’s calling from.

Knowing the Chief he will be in ugly mood about that. The Official gets to his knees and stretches out a hand to be aided to his feet.

No, on the contrary he sounded in very good spirits. You see he left his wife with the car to flag down the AA . When the patrol man arrived apparently she took one look at him and said “Bugger the Car” and jumped into the cab beside him and the two sped off in the direction of the Euro tunnel.

Good Lord! Gasps the now erect official.

Yes and what’s more he has invited us all over to the Inn for a celebratory drink! Blurted out the man with the phone.

Well what’s stopping us, everyone to the cars, last one there is a BOF yelled the official jumping into the Snugmobile behind Kes and Pinky, Tally –Ho!

Strange how things turn out, isn't it? Oh well, back to the Snug it is.

I say! Waiter! Yes - you over there! We have to be off now, so just load that case of into the boot, there's a good chap.

Thank you.

All aboard that's coming aboard. Hold tight. Better jettison the hairdryer, Pinky. Now engaging forward gear!

*Gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrschcrunglegrorkgrrrrork. FlengE!*

*The SnugMobile performs an accelerating lap of honour around the drinks tent, vainly pursued by the owner of the bubbly. As the exit to the park looms large in the windscreen, Kes addresses the gatekeeper once more.*

Open the Gate! Open the Gate! Now! Brakes have failed!

“Don’t worry about that I’ll sort him out.”
With that the Official pulls from his inside pocket a starting pistol and lets off several rounds in the general direction of the gatekeeper.

The startled gatekeeper throws the gate open and takes to his heals across the park yelling something about Road Hogs, Cowboys, Bampots and a string of unrepeatable utterances too foul for the delecate ears of Pinky.

I did actually hear some of those utterances !!! I had my hands covering my eyes,not my ears !!!! Back to the Snug so soon ?? Just when things were beginning to get exciting around here too !!! Some people just spoil all the fun !!!Can we stop for a sandwich Kes,I'm starving ?

Of course we can stop for refreshments, Pinky. I was only kidding about the brake failure.

*Smiles and applies footbrake. The SnugMobile continues at speed.*

Ah! Erm ...

*Fortunately the extension lead to the hairdryer wraps itself around the gatepost and stretches significantly. The forward speed of the SnugMobile now diminishes in proportion to the stretch.*

Oh good! All under control! Stopping soon. By the way, Pinky, whatever you do, don't let go of the hairdryer.

Does this mean that the Snugmobile is now a "Stretch limo"

Possibly Henry,but I doubt it very much !! ...Leave go of the hairdryer indeed,oh ye of little faith Kes,would I ??? OHHH NOOOO,I did,it slipped,its not my fault,there was far too much strain on the wire.......JUMP NOW

Never mind, Pinky. It slowed us down somewhat. Jump, you say?

*Attempts to jump up & down within the confines of the driver's seat.*

I'm trying, but it doesn't seem to be slowing us down much.

I agree,jumping up and down isn't working Kes...ermmmmmm.....If we sway from side to side perhaps..gently.I'll give it a go if you do !

Side to side? Right. Must get it in sync.
On 3 then ...
1 ...
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