h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome, he shouts in your ear. Come in, let me take your coat, and your hat, and your gloves, oh...and your stick. Please take a seat...No, not that one, can't you see...no, of course, dear. No, he's just asleep...I think. Here you are, sit here. What can I get you?

Well I never! At least I now know where that Oryx head went from my old local. Come to think of it, this place looks almost identical. There is even a copy of "In Darkest Africa" by Stanley. I think I shall have a (Poured at forty-five degrees to three-quarters full, left to stand for three minutes and then topped up) and a quiet read in front of the fire. Brr, it's a bit parky, could you throw another log on the fire please.

What! Have you heard nothing of global warning! **Pours three-quarters of a glass of Guiness at precisely - we understand these things here - 45 degrees, stands it on counter. Fetches several virtual faggots and a virtual log. Throws bad temperedly on fire, returning to bar, looks at watch, waits four seconds, then pours balance** Here .

Listen, if you can bear to put your book down for a minute, there's the lovely Lil (sighs quietly) doing the decorating soon. Any ideas??...I said (shouts)Any Ideas?, colour schemes, soft furnishings, so forth.

Gordon Bennett, ask a civil question....

Decorating! A pub! Jings, I nearly spilt my beer. You can't up and decorate, it will lose all it's ambience, or at least the smell of wet dog and flat beer. All the best pubs evolve, chairs being replaced as they break, pictures only being replaced after it becomes totally impossible to work out what they were in the first place and The Sloshfest Homebrew kept on tap until some sod finishes it. You'll make it look like some chain pub and attract "trendies" with their Gore-Tex Jackets and "Throbbing Technoid" Music. Mutter, mumble, grump, grouse.

Well, if you must decorate it is essential to make it look as if it hasn't been decorated.
To this end, once the ceiling has been painted give it a coat of ronseal wood colouring to give it that "smoking has been going on here for generations" feel.

Hells Teeth. Can't a chap ask the punters for a bit of input (**pauses to check using correct and up to date phraseology**) Look we've got the lovely Lil (**eyes glaze over momentarily**) character with her computer gizmos planning virtual makeovers everywhere. We've got her working in the saloon, then the cellar, then here. The longer we keep her here (**pauses, wistfully**) the better in my opinion, so lets get a spittoon or a new lightshade or something! Is that alright, too much to ask?

**stomps off to cellar, humming 'Norwegian Wood' badly**

If you must have something new, may I suggest this copy of H.G. Wells Shape of Things To Come which I picked up in a second hand shop the other day.
Is it me, or is still parky in here? *Shuffles closer to fire, wraps coat more tightly around self, opens book, reaches for pint, realises it is finished* Bother! *Extracts himself from chair/fire/coat deathtrap he has created and heads to bar* I think I'll have an this time. Anything from Wychwood?

This months specials are Dogs B*****ks and Wicker Man, and theres the usual Hobgoblin, Fiddles Elbow and Shires. (You see, you see!, there's BOFs and real BOFs)

You are just saying that as you are no longer in the British English forum. In any case, I'll have a pint of your finest Edward Woodward please.

(No, its just that the conversation there (BritEng) took a turn to unknown territory. (Kids TV and Trousers). No intention of leaving!)

Are we drinking aging actors now, or am I missing something?

I'm missing something! I've been here about a day, and I can't seem to find the erm, lavvies anywhere....any clues?

Ah, well, we have a problem here. Under construction you see. The ladies is ready (with an especially nice young man handing out lemon scented towels) but the Gents...and there is a special rule about micturating in fireplaces.. Its the car-park for you I'm afraid.

Not to worry - I found some next door at http://www.h2g2.com/A127469 - I suppose you could just knock through....

Nice one DJ!

*Enters rubbing her mittened hands together.*

Too cold for me down in the Cellar. I need to warm up a little. Don't mind me, I'll be by the hearth. And thank you for not micturating.

Welcome indeed young Witty! Anything I can get you? (In a leery, and somewhat slimey voice)

Welcome indeed young Witty! Anything I can get you? (In a leery, and somewhat slimey voice)

Twice!

How about a warm drink, with a 'little something' in it, if you know what I mean.

*follows WM into the Snug, rubbing her hands together to warm them and looking about appraisingly*

Hmm. Needs a few dog-eared issues of Horse and Hound ... the counter isn't sticky enough, what can we do about that?

I was over to the junkyard this afternoon and I saw some pressed tin off the ceiling of some old civil service building that was torn down a while back. It's rather mottled, you know how old lead-based white paint turns yellow after about 50 years? That's the colour... mostly. In the other room, how about fake beams?