h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are two trees up in the Committee room. If we could just tempt them down here. That 'coal' as you call it is actually the remains of...sorry, cant say ***taps the side of nose***-- still not sure we should have done it though! Did no-one know his name, oops sorry, moggy out of bag!

Aha - sort of a "wicker man" incident, eh?
When I said throw another sod on the fire, I meant of turf

Best not talk about it, I'm in enough trouble as it is.

Have a Belgian , they're supposed to be quite good.

You're assuming that this fire is giving off any heat to speak of.

What's a snug?

This, my fine wooden friends, is a 'Snug'. You will find it best appreciated from over there, just by that fireplace. Perhaps you could just bend down a little. (Dare I do this?, what with the employment prospects not being so good)

Psst, wake up! Do try and pay attention! Management decree. Free and you'll be wanting a straw, I suppose. Yes, mine, I have one every year. **Breaks chair, chucks on fire** and heat, see. What more, what more!

Is it your birthday then? Oh wait - I think you just said that. Well have a book: http://www.h2g2.com/F41297?thread=74835&latest=1

Damn, I appear to have fallen asleep. My coat has nearly dried out, mind, so it has not been a total waste of time. So, what is all this jollity about then? And while we are about it, I'll have a small Lagavulin to warm up the inner me and then a small check to see these decorations have not got excessive.

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**Pours large Lagavullin, indiscreetly marking level on label, and slams it on counter with a jug of 'Spring' (Better known hereabouts as 'Tap')**

You too?? Look, you've got dead animals, a fire that doesn't work properly, and miserable punters. This is as Scottish as it gets.

Some very pleasent shots there, making me feel very homesick. Of course, if we were to place Skye at Night on the wall I would be forced to talk about monocles and xylophones in a reference that would by pass most people and only leave me more shunned in my high backed chair by the fire. So, if you could just pass me the bottle, I'll get comfortable.

You'll get Edinburgh Castle and like it.

It's not one with the Tattoo is it? And young Australians performing un-natural acts on top of stilts as part of something the local council laughingly call art is it? What about Culzean or Dumbarton? Some nice Napoleonic earthworks and cracking sea views. Now that's what I call a proper castle.

The properest castle I ever had the privelege to visit is Dunnottar Castle, up north of Aberdeen. Granted, there's not much of it left, but location location location!

That's by Stonehaven isn't it? I believe it was beseiged by the English of Edward I. If memory serves (probably not) there is a tale of a washer woman sneeking the crown jewels out of there during the siege. I'm in danger of rambling on here, so I think I'll have another wee dram, perhaps (I was going to name a Gaelic one, then realised my memory fo Gaelic spellings had just gone out the window so) Glenmorangie this time. Will have to learn these new fangled smily face things at some point.

**Looks up from reading book, taking care to mark place with forefinger**

Will you Scotophiles pipe down please. Chap's trying to read. Help yourself to the malts. Bloody management, neither know nor care?

Oi Lil, where's this wallpaper then? Punters need something to do while they're stealing the stock.

**resumes reading. Watch those lips move!*

Now then, Pheroneous, no need to get snippy...
(I'm not sure there is much to read in the Sunday Sport anyhow, and beside's it's upside down)

Can I just say, however, that your post contained the greatest phrase ever heard in the English language: help yourself to the malts....mmm

**Growls, without looking up from the BOOK (kindly donated by punter DJ)**

Touch the Laphroag and you're a dead man!

*A small, slow, and in no way exciting, yet still nasty brawl begins over the Whisky shelf. Munchkin eventually skulks back to his chair with a bottle carefully cradled in the manner of a child* Now where did I put that book. I hope no one is expecting me to do any of that decorating. It would involve taking my coat off, and there is definately not enough heat in here for that. *Quietly toasts the management for it's laxity*