h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No dear, the reverse. Do stop by if you're in the vicinity over Crimbo. Anyone can tell you how to find the Joneses

'In the vicinity of Caistor' has a curiously unlikely sound to it! Mind you, the thought of so many Jones's in one place may well result in a considerable clamour of curious visitors. Take care!

Right - I shall be pootling off to Caistor to see what they have in the white hart either this week or next.
I'm told that England is entirely underwater, the trains don't run and petrol is 2 million pounds a drip, but I am dedicated to my research

Do you not think there should be an imperative placed upon the 'meeja' to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

When it rains, rivers rise, and nearby places get flooded. Always have, always will. Buy wellies! (What happened to wellies anyway? I haven't had a pair for years)

The trains do run. Its just that they are very slow, hence late, hence crowded.

Buy a bike.

And may I suggest that that bike, unlike mine has a servicable chain.
There are some good points to bicycles though. During the recent floods I could happily pootle through the edge of the River Wey while several zillion cars sat on the main ring road and fumed. It was quite pleasent rightly

What exactly is that thing decorating your upper half, Munchkin? Are there not laws against it? Does the phrase 'good taste' have no meaning for you? The words 'smart' or 'understated elegance' do not chime, chez munchkin?

I thought boxing day was the only day on which one was allowed to wear the ghastly items of clothing that can only be Christmas presents...

It is a fine garment which I believe subtly matches my other clothing. It also is very useful for holding my pocket watch without having to store it with a snotty hanky. Any more of that sort of insult and I may be forced to move, possibly as far as the saloon, depending on what you say!

Have you seen the saloon recently? Has anyone? Besides they're dreadfully polite in there. Stay here, and be insulted, like the rest of us.

(P.S. If you have a dictionary to hand, look up 'subtly matches' and compare to 'clashes violently'

Well, alright then, as you put it like that. Of course, you'll have to get the fire going a bit better and pour me a pint to placate me totally.

(P.S. If I have a dictionary to hand you might find it "subtly matching" your head if you ain't careful!)

I went to the saloon and it was a bit of a kip, so I'm back now.
Any craic?

No, they took it off me at customs!

Hmm, yes well. I actually used to share a flat with an Irishman who claimed to have an uncle who, while entering the USA did answer the question "Why are you here?" with "Ah, for the craic" and was swiftly moved to the rubber glove department. However, I reckon its just an Irish urban legend told to gullible foreigners like myself.

It is - why would you go to the states for the craic? They've hardly any emporia selling shamrocks and green jumpers at all
Although US customs does seem to operate on a self-regulatory system: "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?" indeed.

American Customs and Me - I've only had to go through their customs once, and it was coming from Canada on a bus. We pulled up at the stop and the customs bloke gets on to check passports. Not having a visa as yet, I was asked to get off and go into the little station. Fair enough. I then hung about for about an hour, along with about eight other people as we were processed. However, if anyone driving a car turned up, they were immediately moved in front of us, as we were only a bus! Luckily I answered all the questions properly and got through all right but a big hairy studenty type and a nun got hell from them. The studenty type had his luggage emptied out all over the place while the nun was given the third degree about why, exactly, she was only carrying one bag! It really looked like a case of being bloody minded just for the fun of it. Baah! Colonials!

Once upon a time I visited Damascus on extremely benign business. Many years later I flew to the US on holiday with the kiddiwinks. As you probably know, they had a pre-checker going down the queue looking at passports etc. So, they came to me and found my Syrian stamp (Not even a visa to get into Syria, if I remember) and took me out of the queue to an office and questioned me for ages about Syria, buying time while they looked me up on some computer. When we arrived in USA, my name was called out as we waited in Immigration queue, and the same process was repeated there! To this day, my kids think I am some sort of terrorist/spy!

That's better than having them think you've always been a BOF

Erk! I was thinking of going to the USA for a holiday next year. Only I have a Saudi stamp in my passport. Do you reckon I'll have to go through the same process, or do they view Saudi as more benign?

I think its regarded as something of a colony where they allow strange foreign people to pretend its their own country. Tolerated because they spend lots of money on arms and such. Bit like Texas really!

I think they view Saudi as a colony, so you should be OK.

Darn beaten to it....are we operating on "first past the post" then?