h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It may look like horlicks, it may taste like horlicks, but deep, deep inside there lurks the heart of the grape. "Ere dahlin, get yer luvly lips round that then"

You're a genius Lil, absolutely spot on. Tatty tin in here, false beams in there! Good stuff. We do try and wash the bar down every week, is that wrong?

Only if you're using soap.

I'm afraid we'll have to be patient with the cobwebs -- you can't fake those, you can only let time work its customary wonders.

Ah, Lil (**pause whilst relishing the mere flavour of her name**) what is soap exactly?

The spiders, I suspect, have been fumigated into spider heaven by the fumes from that bloody fire (I seem to have put a customer on it by mistake, I was confused by all the spare limbs, sorry)

If this is a proper BOF are you allowing the female of the species (of whatever species)in the snug? If so, I may migrate as it seems to have more comfortable chairs to sleep in than the cellar and probably warmer than cement/concrete laid on Lincolnshire chalk.

The abilities to bore, age and fart are, as far as I am aware, sexually neutral. Your presence in the Snug is more than welcome, although I would not recommend that you sit in that chair with the stained leather seat, something to do with a Mr Jones that I had better not elaborate upon.

Hey - I resemble that accusation...
I found the loos you know - not that anyone has put up any signs since I pointed them out...

They've put Chinese symbols on the doors and you can't remember whether you're a circle or a triangle. Depends whether you're sideways on, I suppose.

I thought the circle/triangle symbols were Polish.
When going to the loo in China I just had to remember that the symbol that looks like a deck chair is for the ladies.
As we're BOFs we'll have to go for the traditional "Ladies"/"Gents", I suppose, though I would probably vote for "XX"/"XY" if the chance arose

We remain under construction DJ, all suggestions gratefully received. I am sure that the lovely Lil (Do you think its Lilith - as in Frasier(Patron saint of all BOFs) - or Lilian) will incorporate in her delightful and oh so artistic schemes.

Or Lilac?

Since when have asteroids been lilac.

Liliputian?

Lilo? Probably not.
Lilywhite? Hmm - better
Lilting? Now I'm totally off track ....

Well, she is certainly lying low today! (Lilo - get it? Oh dear!)

Asteroid Lilith, thank you very much. There is an asteroid called Lilith, and it happens to be my birth asteroid.

*to an old man in a damp wool coat who is trying to reach for his stout, which Lil is now blocking* Would you kindly move out of my defensible space please?

I have found some interesting wallpaper samples. It has to be fleur-de-lys, doesn't it?, and the pattern ought to be slightly too large for the dimensions of the room. A good trick, actually, makes the room seem a little more cramped.

Fleur-de-Lys is good - although ideally you want at least obe strip of the paper to be upside down in order to cause maximum confusion.
Gold on azure blue? Or is that too French?

For "obe" read "one"
Blasted new fangled keyboard things

Who is that guy in the coat? Does he belong to anyone? It wouldn't be old Ben Kenobi would it? Ah no, that was a typo!

This Flaux Lilith stuff, is it legal? Can't be doing with untoward substances on the wall, whichever way up.

Does nobody else ever put anything on the fire?

**Eyes old man's coat, and ponders**

Well your coal is pretty poor quality, innit!
Gold on blue, I don't think. It has to be something that darkens the room. I had the dark red on dark red in mind.

Smoke, from the fire and the clientele will darken it quickly enough.

A coal fire in a snug? Surely turf or wet pine - something to get the scorched golden retriever smell....