h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

That's what I like to see, polite and gracious customers. Makes the place seem so much nicer.
* a happy tune*

*Falls out of grandfather clock where he'd been sleeping and demands a breakfast *

I thought the clock was ticking oddly.

*Rushes in, thinks about generating lots of entries to make it look like something happened while Munchkin was away*

*Realises can't be bothered*

*Drums fingers on bar and emits a quiet service-seeking cough*

*Catches the cough in a waste paper basket, luckily there was no service around to seek, as he emerges from the back room looking tired and haggard. Shakes the dust and dead insects from his once white suit, places a hand upon the beer pump and looks enquiringly at the customer*

*Wonders why Munchers is looking enquiringly at him*

*Suddenly realises and takes giant Mardi Gras mask off*

Don't ask. please.

So, how was the Near East? (Which is to the South, obviously.)

Further south than the Midle East certainly.

Would you be horribly offended if I described my jaunt as horribly hot and with not enough mummified animals?

Yes, my ancestors would call down the curse of a thousand broken CD cases upon you, infidel.

It could have been worse, you could have been ENTOMBED WITH THE PHARAOHS in a Houdini-Lovecraft styl-ee.

So, just to confirm what everybody I know who has been to Egypt says: Did it smell funny? And did you find the Ark?

*Comes into the Pub. Squints through the dust motes floating in the air. Tries to act nonchalant about the hideous mardi gras mask sitting on a table.*

Hi Munchkin, welcome home. How was it, then? Did it smell funny? Have you located the Ark? I'll have a nice large please, if you're pouring.

Hello. Scorpion deRooftrouser. Nice mask!

*Wakes*
Finding the Ark? Don't talk to me about finding Arks. You have to have the Noahs for it ...











*(said the Arkangel)*

Nah, no Arks. Two mummified crocodiles, a very excitable airline pilot and a well dingy souq were found though, amongst other, mor estandard stuff. And I didn't notice any unusual smells, other than on the boatload of Italians.

Ah, Egypt.

I well remember the last time I visited its ancient edifices.

No, tell a lie, I've never been. I tend to visit the more Transformer-producing countries.

I think I'm remembering an episode of 'Gadget Boy'.

Hmm, you seem to be having problems with your memory. May I suggest you drink more and then maybe you will start to remember something more literary.

Very kind of you. I can feel an ill-informed Proust allusion coming on already .

Just so long as it doesn't involve Kafka at any point. I'm contemplating banning him on the rules here unless this book of his improves.

Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself transformed into a Rubber Inflatable Barman.

Now that one I am enjoying, it was all the stuff about fat men drowning while the mountains refused to listen because your eyes are shut. It wasn't really the best thing for an airport departure lounge.

Certainly not Luxor, which is a shade on the sparten side.

buying an icecream was the most exciting activity on offer

Ah but surely the choices as to what to *do* with said ice cream after buying it also held some intriguing opportunities?