h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Uncle Heavy, brandishing his mallets, charges directly into the ranks of oncoming swordsmen, cutting a swath right though the middle and emerging on the other side. He leaps back into the fray, which becomes a mass of swirling dust and the occasional fist/fish/saucepan, the like of which is seen only in cartoons*

The group of spearmen are really enjoying their current occupation of viviously beating and stabbing Affy.

"Hey! I'm really enjoying this!" shouts one to the other.

"Yeah! Me too! It's very therapeutic!" Shouts another back.

"Hey! I know! Why don't we stop shouting, as we're only a few inches apart!" Shouts another.

"Well, wh-glluurrgghh!!" Shouts another has he stiffens suddenly. He starts to jerk as a bloodstain rapidly increases in size on his tunic. Suddenly a rip forms in the front and the viciously sharp tip of Giguschild's tail bursts through. Long claws appear around the guard's waist and suddenly tear the shaking figure clean in half, as the Xenomorph's eyeless and gore-covered head breaks through the screen of viscera and blood. The other guards move to run away, but they are far, far too slow and they are disembowled, eviscerated, stabbed, sliced, impaled, bludgeoned, or have their heads exploded by the snapping secondary jaw. Affy moans quietly in the corner as Giguschild starts to feed on the bloody pile of flesh and vaguely recognisable internal organs, to replenish the energy he has lost over the past few days and to prepare himself for the oncoming battle. After a good half an hour, Giguschild pads over to Affy and throws him over his shoulder, taking him over to an irrelevant corner to recover. The Xenomorph moves rapidly up the steps towards the room where sea and evillene are distracted by the spell. At the door, he jumps through a curtain covered window, in order to enter the room in an unexpected and surprising way.

[Mewtwo] "Ow, I don't--"

[Vekura] "We've heard that line before."

*henchman runs into HP's office*

Henchman: Lord, there's a strange creature disembowling your men...

*HP raises an eyebrow*

Leave it for a while... it may decide to disembowel the other toruble makers... where's that report on sea?

Henchman: We're working on it...

Well, do hurry it up...

*another henchmen runs into HP's office*

[HM] we found out what you wanted to know! well, sort of. we have three theories on the reason for sea's storm.
one: she's trying to prevent affy from returning the city to its true era. we're not quite sure why.
two: she's trying to flood the city and turn the planet into a medieval Waterworld. we're not sure why this one would be either.
three: she's purely enjoying herself, and there is no real reason for the storm.
we haven't been able to get close enough to either sea or evillene to confirm any of these theories.

***meanwhile, on the roof***

*sea continues to wreak havoc on the town, which is beginning to resemble Venice, Italy, with her hurricane. evillene notices giguschild's appearance and pulls out her sword*

[evillene] you won't be ruining our plan!!!

*evillene swings her sword at giguschild, misses, and then kicks him*

Giguschild performs an agile backwards somersault with the momentum from the kick and springs back from a parapet, knocking into both evillene and sea, who are knocked to the ground. Giguschild jumps up and dodges another sword swing. The clouds start to recede.

[oops, one too many knocked into's...oh well...]

*uncle, noticing that the spearmen whom he thought he was fighting have mysteriously fallen senceless to the floor, procedes to make his way to the entrance to the tower. As he does so, the hurtling form of GL hits him, and they both fall to the floor, straight into the oncoming path of an entirely new mob of Evil Henchmen*

*GL looks at UH (as best he can in the dark) and wonders how he got down into the flooded catacombs with him. Figures that he must have fallen into one of those chute things too. GL thinks for a moment while treading water, then notices UH having some trouble keeping afloat. GL transforms into wolf form and profers his tail to UH, who gratefully grasps it. GL, who can now see in the dark, thanks to his wolf eyes, starts swimming in the direction that the water is flowing from, reasoning that the water has to be coming IN from somewhere that could provide an exit.*

*Affy, by this time, has managed to wake himself enough to drink one of the cans in his six-pack of Regeneration Soda (with caffeine!). Within two minutes, he is perfectly healed, although slightly more tired than he was before he put on the makeup (which has since dissapeared). Affy looks at sea and evillene from his unobtruvise corner of the roof, and decides that there's only one thing to do right now*

Sea! Evillene! Know this, that when I am finished, you'll wish that you stayed in the twenty-first century!

*He begins waving his arms and cackling madly. Magic energy bursts from his fingers, as he begins chanting*


Frobnitz! Frobnosia! Prob Fset Cond! Zmemqb Intbl Foo Frob Oz!


*As Affy finishes his revised version of The Spell Of Megaboz, he turns into a giant ball of fire, which zips towards sea and evillene, severely injuring both of them. In the place of where the fireball (now receding towards the horizon) started out, there is only a large, simmering pot of chicken broth. As the clouds begin to clear again (due to Affy/Fireball interupting sea and evillene by giving them some second degree burns to think about), a fairly large army of strange looking creatures begins assembling to the south*

Sea and evillene, although burned, advance murderously on the pot of chicken broth, figuring it must be important for something. But Giguschild has other plans, and flicks some of the hot water onto their injuries...as they bend over screaming, Giguschild walks over to them and grabs their sleeves, quickly tying the sleeves to themselves behind the other villains' back. [uh...] Then he rolls the frantically struggling pair off the edge of the parapet. He and the bowl of chicken broth wait eagerly for the splat, but when none is heard, Giguschild leans over the side of the tower to have a look. The two sisters are hanging suspended by their tied-together sleeves from a hook halfway down the wall. Evillene looks up at him evilly and attempts to shake her fist at him. This dislodges the knot holding the sleeves together and the pair of evil villains plummet towards the ground. On the way down they start to kick eachother and pull their hair...but the argument is shortlived as they crash into a very prickly gorse bush. After a few moments the fight resumes, in a slightly more prickled manner.

[YK] To finish Mewtwo's line, "--don't care what universe you're from, that's GOTTA hurt"

psst! YK! Come and look at the end of my intro, and post a reply when you have...

[Mewtwo] "When can I have my powers" }back?{

[Vekura] {Whoops. I think the answer is "five seconds ago."}

[Mewtwo] }Good, then.{ [fires a bolt of psychic energy at Sea and Evillene]

*evillene, covered in scratches and bruises and burns, teleports to the top of the tower and kicks the pokemon. then she disappears again*

*sea climbs out of the bushes, groaning. then she heals herself and tries to think of a plan*

where are all the rest of the villains?!

*UH mutely follows GL*

I know, we can use my grapnel to get back up the laundry chute, and then my claws can cut us away into HP sperm's office.

[They hear Link calling to them from up the laundry chute, and then he fires his hookshot down at them. The hook gets caught on the side, and Link is pulled in with them]

[Link] Oops ... [aims the Hookshot back up] Need some help?

[Cut to the clones in a dark, enclosed area]

[Y2K] [whisper] Coundown from 70 ... 69 ... 68 ...

[cut back]

67...68...66...

Oh dear...this doesn't sound good.

Giguschild heads for HP's office, as it seems the most likely place to be safe...

Oooh dear oh dear oh dear...Giguschild just can't count can he...oh well.

66...65..64