h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Sun is shining, sea is lapping against the shore...
Who'd have though evil could possibly exist on a day like this?!]

*Insane Endeavour lies below a typical palm tree, sipping a typical glass of and trying to forget the non-typical foot fiasco...*

Why can't crime-fighting always be like this?

*Closes her eyes quickly when she sees the pretentious man from scene one approaching [how/why did he get back here?], she hopes he's a figment of her imagination.*

"Miss Insane Endeavour?"

*Groans, opens eyes grudgingly to see he's still there and very much a reality.*

Yes, what is it now?

"This fax has just come for you. From a Mr HP."

WHAT?!


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[Fax Reads]

Dear Miss Endeavour
I apologize terribly for having disappeared in so inconspicuous a manner as to suggest I was gone forever (thats the last time I get stuck with *last* season's Evil Gadgets). Fortunately, this is not the case. The destruction of my crime empire in Atross City did put a bit of a dent in my wallet, but luckily my shares are doing quite well, so I'm building up a new one. My new headquarters are in the final stages of construction (they just need to finish the bathrooms and install the satellite television, but they aren't half taking their time about it). Anyway, thats beside the point. I thought it only fair that you be forewarned about the immediate rise in global crime and general nefarious doings that is about to occur. That said, I'll leave you to your ...

Enjoy...

[HP}=~~

P.S. That is a rather nice island you're on... I think I might blow it up

[Fax Ends]

*a newcomer arrives in Atross City*
*they would prefer to survive it*
*they are open to suggestions on how to do this*
*they are also impressionable and vulnerable to brainwashing*
*'they' is in fact a singular person - a female person claiming to be called Ming Mang - or just Ming for short*

¦M¦

*Insane Endeavour, being all too far away to know, insanely regrets not being in Atross City [how could anyone sane regret that?] to greet her and stop HP.*

*Groans and leavers herself up from her comfortable spot below the palm and stretches. The pretensious man in now moving away slightly but she grudgingly calls him back, downing the rest of the in the process.*

*Looks up to see a torpedo shaped blob heading towards the [thankfully uninhabited] centre of the island [HP must have missed] and sighs.*

Ok, I'm going back to work...

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*the [thankfully uninhabited] centre of the island is blown to smithereens in what can only be described as a very very noisy explosion*

*another torpedo shaped blob, aimed slightly further south than the last, can be seen on the horizon*

[HP}=~~

*the newcomer sits down in the middle of a pavement*
*she shifts a bit to avoid putting her hand in a dark murky puddle*
*she starts staring about three inches in front of passer-by's noses to gauge their reaction and so figure out what sort of a place this is*

¦M¦

*Looks towards the horizon and quickly approaching torpedo.*

Uh oh, that one looks on target...

*Goes into superhero spiel and calls to pretensious man.*
Hey, P.M. Get these people *indicates three bemused-looking tourists with maps and binoculars focused at the torpedo* out of here!
The private jet the major of Atross City leant me is parked outside the hotel. It only takes 4. Go!

*Glances towards the torpedo again*

Back to work, and I'm not even home yet!...

<>
[more to give IE time to think what to do than anything else...]

>

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*As she watches the jet take off in the direction of Atross City she wonders how pretentious {I learnt to spell!) man knew where she was. And who's side is he on anyway?*

Guess I'll have to get off this island somehow too. Hope the torpedo's not a homing one.
*Looks around.* Hmm, with the torpedo coming straight at me, the water wouldn't be a safe option, so... the forest!
*Runs as fast as possible through the dense undergrowth, hoping she can get to a safer area before the torpedo hits (reminds me of William Golding's Lord of the Flies!)*

*A huge explosion behind her throws her forcefully forwards, narrowly missing a few more palms, to rest in a small clearing. She can almost hear the sound of HP laughing.*

Ouch.

>

*somewhere, amidst the sounds of general construction work, HP sits at his office desk watching scenes of horrible fiery death. He laughs, but not quite as heartily as he would do normally*...

eheh..hehheh..eheh...*contented sigh*...

Something's not right *looks about his office* there's something not on here. I feel... restricted... *eyes scan the surroundings in a sinister manner, observing the desk, the filing cabinet, a yukka plant placed at exactly the wrong angle for general well-being, the small executive ball thingy and finally resting at his feet*

Wait a minute...this chair has four legs...*fidgets*... it doesn't swivel!...*fidgets more*...*sighs*

Honestly, this from three interior designers and a feng shui expert.

*presses a purple button on the chair's arm*

Tell Janine that she can keep her stupid plant... it bugs me...*glares at the yukka plant*

[HP}=~~

*gives up on Atross City and starts trying to find her way out...*

¦M¦

*A fed up looking Ming takes an apparently wrong turning in trying to escape from Atross City, as she reaches a dead end alley, as she turns to make her exit, she is confronted by two large, pinstripe-suited walls which weren't there previously. Looking up, she can make out a semblence of two chisled jawlines, the rest of what she can only assume are faces hidden in shadow. Turning once more, she sees another figure, not as wall like but equally as pinstripe-suited. His rather brutal features are counterpointed by his extreme lack of height and scrawny moustache. His face moves awkwardly into a smile (or intense discomfort, its hard to tell).*

So, M... nice to see you've made it... I applaud the disguise, it's quite ingenious... but to business. I trust you have the information on your person. What form of deceit have you used to conceal it this time?

*Meanwhile, HP, newly equipped with a chair that swivels, relays orders to several gorilla-like lackeys*

Send drones to the island, start the clean up operation. Lets see IE dodge this one.

Gorilla #1: BUT ISN'T SHE DEAD, SIR?

*HP sniggers, then chuckles slightly, followed by a chortle, full blown laughter, fits of hysteria and finally a sigh*

*sigh*..no..

Gorilla #2: HOW COME, SIR?

*smiles, shaking his head* What you as a lackey do not, and unfortunately might never understand is the relationship between arch nemesisis..nemesees... whatever. Superheros don't die. Supervillains don't kill them. That is all you need to know... now get on with it..

*Gorilla-like lackeys leave. Once they are gone, HP swivels in his chair with a child-like enthusiasm*

*takes about one look in each direction*
*recognises from the expressions on their faces that she is about to gain some bruises and probably lose some blood*
*makes a dive for a nearby fire exit*
*runs up it and smashes in the door at the top for further escape*
*pauses at the top to check what's happening*

¦M¦

*Insane Endeavour, after a brief, refreshing period of unconsciousness, eases herself up from her spot on the grass. Once the ground beneath her feet stops spinning she notices a distinct smell of burning in the forest.*

Uh oh...

*Looking around she sees smoke filtering through the trees behind her and runs forwards, away from the approaching flames.*

*Suddenly remembers that the middle of the island was targetted too, and realises she's trapped. Flames lick around the palms behind her and flickers of very red light can be seen ahead.*

Wish you were here, HP?

*While wondering just what to do as she is now quite surrounded by burning palm trees, the crackling of scorched leaves is interrupted by the sound of a low flying vehicle. IE looks up to see what it is, but hasn't the time. A hand closes around her collar and lifts her into the vehicle, flying off far above the burning island.*

Phew! Thanks! *She turns around.*

>

*Ming is persued by the walls, who have trouble negotiating the stairs two-abreast, their bodies don't seem to have much in the way of freedom of movement, once again confirming the wall theory, their faces, which look more sculpted than anything, betray feelings of intense frustration*

*IE soars high above the island, in the front cockpit of an aeroplane, her seat obscures the view of the pilot behind her, all she knows is whoever they are, they have a fairly strong grip. The aircraft shudders at a large explosion*

Pilot Voice: *bitter American* Drones... fantastic...*to IE* Hold on to your pants kid, you'll need them when we land...

*a host of drones begins to overtake the aircraft, all bearing the logo of HP*

[HP}=~~

*sees all of them rush up the stairs*
*looks over side at the ground in hope of - something*
Vertigo!
*draws back, then looks again*
*she's six storeys up*
*she looks over the other side - there's a mattress on the ground*
*watches until all three of them are looking in the other direction*
*slams the door to make it sound like she's gone in the building and jumps*
*falls past them withut being noticed*
*lands heavily on the mattress on her back*
*the mattress tries to throw her off so she does a (rather stylish) flatback to front drop and hangs onto the mattress*
*thanks goodness she used to do a lot of trampolining and horseriding*
*looks up to see what they're doing*
*the walls have both charged into the building, but the little guy is checking under the top two flights of steps for her*
*she waits a bit trying not to breath and he too goes into the building*
*she jumps up and runs as fast as she can away from the building*

¦M¦

*the small man reaches the roof and looks down at the matress. The matress points in the direction Ming has run off in and shrugs*

Small man: Damn...

[HP}=~~

*after running for what seems (and probably is) five miles, Ming collapses against a wall and starts trying to breath again*
*she suddenly realises just how much her back hurts*
*she slumps over into a gutter gasping in agony*
Oh... sh...t... ahhh...

¦M¦

*Ming turns to find herself standing in the entrance enclave of a large semi-baroque office appartment (similar in styling to that which most private investigators, solicitors and debt collectors inhabit). On the left wall of the enclave is a row of buzzers reading:

[1a] R. Dempsey: Solicitor
[1b] Sykes & Son Tax and Debt Collection Agency
[2a] Insane Endeavours Insane Endeavourers (currently Out To Lunch, for a long time..)
[2b] Bob

None of these buzzers seem necessary, the door seems to have been opened, forcably...

[HP}=~~

*has almost recovered from her six-storey fall*
*looks at the door on the office apartment*
*decides the door has been forced very recently*
*decides to go away before anything happens that might inhure her*
*starts trying to leave Atross City again...*

¦M¦

*IE follows the pilots instructions as the plane begins to dive. Looking down, the open water seems all too close but the flier's skills are evident and not even her feet are wetted.*

*The drones follow but the plane puts on a spurt of speed and attempts to leave them behind. Another explosion rocks the aircraft and Insane begins to worry about the logics of being in the air at this time, however the previous alternative of fiery death is not much more encouraging.*

This was supposed to be a relaxing holiday! *She wails slightly to herself*

*As the pilot performs various spectacular manouvers which argue strongly with G-force, IE finds her consciousness slipping away again.*

---

*She wakes up to find the plane just still in the air, making its way toward the black outer reaches of what she can only assume is Atross City [surely not all cities look as bad as that!]. The grip on her shoulder has been released and the pilot is whistling The Star Spangled Banner, all seems calm.*

Ah, hi. *IE says, twisting in her seat to try and see her rescuer, but the attempt is again fruitless.* Um, thanks by the way.
*Looks forward to the approaching city, worrying at the sense of 'coming home' to such a dump.*

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