h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'll stop sitting here once you've told me what it does entail.

¦M¦

*UH dusts himself down*
uh...sorry about the roof boss, but, I, uh, i'm scared of doors.

*Insane Endeavour, not quite having got the knack of marching, trots alongside the pilot. She's feeling a little un-superhero-like, which is never a good thing and wonders what might help.*

*She quickens her pace to match the pilots and looks around. Atross airport was a dump, full of beleaguered tourists, lonely free newspaper stands and corridors that seemed to lead nowhere. It was down one of these the pilot now suddenly turned, and IE struggled to keep up with him. If this was the way out, it wasn't surprising no one ever seemed to come out alive from the airport.*

*The purely white walls rusing past, IE kept up with the pilot as the corridor opened up into a large room.*

>

*the large room, decorated and furnished by the "Really White" school of interior design, is split into two sections by a wall of glass. Central to the wall of glass is a small white door with what appears to be a picture of two eyes on it, and a similar picture of a hand next to it. On the other side of the glass are two figures in white isolation suits with white visors, carrying what appear to be white batons. Only now does the pilot glance sideways to realize he has been followed all this way by IE*

Pilot: *startled* Jeez, kid, didn't I just tell you not to follow me?

IE: No, you told me to follow you, but not for too long...

Pilot: *frustrated* Well now is too long! So you just be a good kid and forget everything that you've seen and heard and go about your normal business.

IE: *pause*... there's going to be a problem with that.

Pilot:*nods slowly* yeah... I can see that now...hmmm...*thinks for a moment, pulls a gun from his jacket* Well, you leave me no choice but to...

IE: Hey hey hey! No killing! Under no circumstances must I be killed!

Pilot: Why not?

IE: Because...*struggles*... you'll ruin the colour scheme

Pilot: *looks about, nods slowly once more* yeah....*puts away gun* I guess you'll have to come with then... *walks to the door, placing his hand on the handprint and his eyes in front of the eyes on the door*

IE: *nods, impressed* Retinal and fingerprint scanners...

Pilot: Nah, the guys on the other side won't let me in unless I do it, they think its a gas. *sigh*

*A white isolation-suited guard pulls the door open, sniggering slightly*

Pilot: When will you guys grow up?...

[HP}=~~

Old Wizened Figure: *eyes Ming like an old man eyeing a terrible nuisance of a child, finally giving way with a tired sigh*... You are among the Chosen. Like any Chosen one you have to fight and win against innumerable odds. You have to fight against a great evil. Someone is ammassing evil in great quantities and is going to harness that evil in order to do something REALLY REALLY nasty and mean...

*sighs again* I can't tell you much, I'm not very good at this any more...

Ming: *looks perplexed*

Old Wizened Figure: Oh, I used to be *faint smile* back in the day... when heros were heros, and arch villains were in black and white... A sidekick could really be useful. Aiding his hero (or heroine) in whatever they may be doing, asking the odd useful question just so everyone knew exactly what was going on. Then time passes, heros retire, arch villains decide to take it easy and join the local golf club, and you're 67, standing in a disused bus depot wondering exactly who it is you're supposed to be helping and why they won't listen to you any more...

*a look of confusion and frailty descends upon his face, making him look ever-so-slightly less wizened and ever-so-slightly more pitiful*

Its all so fast now, you know...? All techno-gadgets and multi-million dollar corporations which are fronts for evil organisations. Its all about globalisation, nowadays. Taking over the world without anyone actually KNOWING you've done it. Thats not *real* evil... thats not proper, true, good old fashioned nastiness... is it?

*the old mans face returns to its initial, distasteful expression*

Like I said, I don't know any more. I had to give up this game long, long ago. One of your multi-millionaire maniacs is up to no good again, I know that much, I still have that much sidekick evil-sense in me. All this stuff about you being fated just came to me in a dream. So I've told you. Ignore it if you like, I'm old and I'm ranting now. Just don't come crying to me when he owns the world.
*the old man turns and begins to half hobble away into the shadows, mumbling something about ingratitude, he stops and turns*
And I was meant to give you this *produces a small metallic sphere, no bigger than a tennis ball, throws it half-heartedly towards the door Ming sits upon*. I don't know what it does... probably another one of your flash gadget things. *resumes hobbling*

[HP}=~~

so, uh, boss, whats the whole, uh deal. See, me and my, uh, associate here...*gestures to associate* uh charge by the hour, see? And, I, that is to say we, uh, have other pressing matters to, uh, attend to.

*there is no response*

*HP sits up, fingers arched evil-stylee* Oh, yes, I do apologize... I just zone out sometimes... I was in a completely different world...

Anyway, the plan...

*pulls down a roller blind, switches off the lights and on the overhead projector*

My previous plan was to foil the do-gooders by sending the city back into a medieval era, there by foiling their advanced technology. However, this plan failed because despite my status as a Baron in the medieval realm, I was somewhat dependent on the same technologies.

My current plan borrows the element of dimensional reformation, but *evil smirk* gives us the added edge. However, before I can launch it I need certain... elements... to be eliminated from the equation. Namely...*overhead projector flashes up a picture* one Ming Mang... Agents have spotted her and know that shes a trouble maker. They failed to capture her. However, where they failed you shall succeed. With your precognition *nods at Frankie* and your *nods at UH* well... you... You should not fail in capturing Miss Mang.

Be careful, however... for she is not alone... though she is blissfully unaware *evil smirk*

*evil giggle*
*evil chuckle*
*evil guffaw*
*evil laugh*
*maniacal evil laughter*
*laughing stops*

You may recruit any members of STUMPED you deem necessary to complete this task. However, we at the Evil Genii prefer to use our minds rather than these so called "superpowers". Also, there will be severe consequences if you draw the attention of CHOPPERS... we don't need that kind of publicity...

That said... have fun *evil smile*

[HP}=~~

[ooc] as choppers head, we'll just leave them out of it right now...

Right boss, ill get right on it.

*tries to exit. wlaks into door frame before making it through second time around*

*watches the figure go and suddenly has lots of questions*
*Ming does not seem able to actually do anything for a while, then suddenly she stirs and peers at the metallic sphere that she caught on her foot, after it fell just short of her hands*
*she pulls a dictaphone out of her pocket, stops it and rewinds it*
*she listens to what the figure said again*
"...you have to fight and win against innumerable odds..."
"...you have to fight against a great evil..."
*Ming decides she doesn't like the sound of this at all and remembers the figure's words before she'd pressed 'record'*
"...please don't be alarmed, you'll have more time for that later..."
*Ming is alarmed and decides that she has to go right now*
*she puts both the dictaphone and the metallic sphere in her pocket*
*jumps off the door and walks out through it*
*walks back through it, having thought that a bus would be a better mode of transport*
*gets into the nearest bus and discovers why none of them were going anywhere - they have no drivers*
*fiddles about in the cab and finds that this bus has already been hotwired*
*also finds a key in the ignition and turns it*
*the bus starts and Ming drives it out of the depot and continues trying to find her way out of the city*

¦M¦

*Insane Endeavour walks through the door as the pilot hold it open, to see two white-isolation-suited figures, their laughter abated, instantly holding guns on her. Trying not to show she's shaking, she shrugs.*

Well, if you want these nice white walls behind me to be white and red...!

*The guns are lowered amidst murmurs of "Boss wouldn't be happy" and "spent a fortune on white emulsion". The pilot explains something quickly and quietly to the other white-attired men, who look in her direction and nod.*

All I want is to get out of the airport! *She explains as their gazes focus fully on her.*

>

*the pilot drifts off through a secret door unnoticed while the guards continue to hold IE exactly where she is, a voice echoes somewhere down the corridor*

I'm afraid that won't be possible, Miss Endeavour..

*A greying middle-aged american general type approaches them, standing a few feet behind the guards*

You already know too much...

[HP}=~~

*Struggles in grip, but doesn't manage any more than to encourage the guards to tighten their hold.*
But I don't know anything! I don't even know where the door to leave the airport is!!!

[American General] What kind of superhero are you supposed to be?
*He waves aside Insane Endeavour's start of surprise and her stuttered 'How do you know?'*
[American General] Anyway, you know we're here. That's enough to warrant your destruction.

But you're... I mean, I'm... you can't just kill me! What would happen to the world then? Do you know what's happening out there?

[American General] Well, we'll have to see what HP says to that. We've orders to deliver you to him alive.

>

*The door opens to HPs office and a young woman dressed in a smart suit is escorted in.*
Hello, Mr HP? *He takes the proffered hand.* I've been following your career for a while now and I have to say - I'm impressed.

*Her hair is pulled back into a severe-looking bun and some spectacles perch securely on the edge of her nose: somewhat resembeling a solicitor.*

My name's Ms Mary - Susan Parsons, but you may refer to me by my more common titile: MarySue of Evil. I'm here to apply for a job. I think my resume speaks for itself - I'm a world renound evil-doer. In case you're interested... I also used to work as secretary for one Miss Endeavour. You'll be surprised what kind of information you can pick up when pretending to file your nails.

*HP glances up for a second before continuing to take his time reading the resume, his expressing remaining deadpan throughout. MarySue leans forward slightly onto his desk, a perfected raised eyebrow in place.*

So Mr HP... have I got the job?

-chazlet56

*HP raises a solitary eyebrow, fighting deadpan with deadpan*

MarySue, your resume is indeed impressive. But you'll need more than qualifications to join the Evil Genii.

That said, I have a job for you *smiles*.

One of my teams is in possession of Miss Endeavour at this very moment. Go to Atross City Airport and collect her. Go to Gate 13 and hand this ticket in at the check-in desk *hands her a black ticket wallet*, you will be directed from there. *smile widens*

Don't let me down. I need Endeavour alive, here, otherwise we're all up a famous creek without so much as a small stick to paddle with.

*Meanwhile, back at ACA, the Pilot steps out of a side room*

Pilot: General, you have a high-priority all from the Chief
General: Thankyou, Zack...err... take care of things here, would you? The prisoner is code lime.
Pilot (Zack): Yes sir, General.
*General exits, stage left*
*Zack steps up to the guards* You heard the General, I'm in charge here now, you're relieved.
Guards: Bu-
Zack: No buts... go...
*heads down, the guards trudge out. Zack inspects Insane*
So you're the dangerous one, the threat to our operation, eh?
I expected *makes hand gestures* bigger, darker, male...*IE raises an eyebrow*...sorry, but its true. *leans forward in whisper* So you're... fighting HP? *IE nods* You're sure you're not...with him? *IE nods*...hmmm... this puts me in a bind. If the Chief is HP, then I'm on the wrong side...

[HP}=~~

*IE laughs, then realises her situation and moderates her voice level to a low chuckle. Suddenly she's feeling much more on top of things.* How did you get yourself into that fix?
*She waves away his explaination ("Later.") and turns swiftly to business, massaging her wrists where the guards had pinned her. Knowing better than to immediately take Zack at his word, she remains vigilant.*

Is it only you? Any of your other team possibly made this mistake too?
*He shrugs his shoulders.*
[Zack] The chief is, well, the chief, y'know.
*IE nods.*
Well, anyway, this is no time to daudle. Got any weapons around here? Do you know how to get out of this airport?

*Zack nods, and, indicating she should follow him across the room, he opens such a well disguised white cupboard, which holds a small loot of guns and ammunition, as well as a collection of knives. IE takes a tiny, very sharp foldable knife and tucks it into her flimsy belt, realising now that the holiday clothes (t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops) are not really suitable for normal superhero work. She also takes a pistol and spare bullets, which she slips into her pocket. She notes that Zack also takes a pistol.*

Now to go. Lead the way Zack, and thanks by the way.
*Zack opens the door, and looking around to see the coast is clear, leads the way, Insane following hot on his heals.*

>

*MarySue smiles winningly at the clerk behind the desk in ACA as she takes back her ticket from him.* Thanks for all your help. Really, its most appreciated.* Fluttering her eyelids a little, MarySue leaves in the direction he indicates.*

*Finding herself in the lobby, MarySue takes a good look around the airport.* Now... which direction did he say I should go in? Darn it. I knew I should have forked out that 5.99 for a map. *MarySue looks to the left and then to the right, before deciding to sashay over to a young male tourist* Hi. *She oozes on the false charm and accent* I was wondering if y'all could help me. I'm looking for a... *MarySue stops mid-sentence as she sees what she is looking for out of the corner of her eye. She pushes the tourist roughly out of the way, causing him to fall into a nearby coffee stand and she charges towards Insane Endeavour: who just happens to be walking into the lobby, flanked by a rather well built, gun-toting pilot.*

-Chazlet56

*Zack immediately conceals his weapon as they enter the public part of the airport and heads to the car park with IE in toe*

Zack: They'll have sent someone to pick you up and take you to HQ
IE: Any ideas where that is?...
Zack:*shrugs* HQ is... HQ... y'know?

[HP}=~~

*Ming drives out of Atross City in her bus that she stole all by her very own self*

*The outskirts of Atross become more like the surrounding area, barren, Arizona style desert freeways with a gas station every fifty miles or so*

*before she ventures that far out of Atross City, Ming passes the large, neo-post-baroque (?) looking Airport*

*before she stops the coach, Ming sees a man and woman standing directly in the coaches path. The man is pointing a gun at her*

*somewhere on a island, a man continues to enjoy a leisurely game of golf*

[HP}=~~

*Ming looks at the couple in surprise - obviously meaningless violence doesn't stay tidily in Atross City*
*she hits the brake hard and ducks down out of sight and hopefully gunfire*
*she then struggles to find reverse, but gets it eventually and starts reversing fast back down the road*
*she feels grateful for the hole in the back of the bus that allows her to see where she's going without having to sit up*

¦M¦

*Previously: Insane Endeavour, now happily out of the airport, jogs alongside the pilot as they walk towards the main road.*

I could do with going home before we do anything else. If we find a bus that heads towards the western inner city. That's where my flat is. I could do with getting some *she looks down at herself* more suitable clothes.

*True to her wishes, a bus comes careering down the road. It seems to be unable to follow a straight path, but this is not very unusual. Zack walks to the middle of the road and holds the gun in the direction of the driver; his finger on the trigger. IE leans towards him and whispers.*
Put that gun away for goodness sake. You've spent far too long on the bad side! There are other ways and means of achieving things!

*The bus now starts reversing at quite a pace. Insane Endeavour runs to catch up, and panting, swings in through the back door. Her hands open to show they are empty she walks up to an almost hysterical Ming. She takes out her gun from her pocket and lies it on a seat in full view so Ming knows she's not going to use it. The bus draws to a halt.*

Now. I'm sorry to scare you like that, only my friend's not used to asking, just taking. So, can this bus go towards the inner city? Hutton district?

*Sees Ming's expression fade from desperation to pure and utter disbelief.*
[Ming] I've just left there, and if you think I'm going back…?

*Insane Endeavour frowns.*
What's the problem? *She gets a feeling about the person in front of her.* You new here? *Ming nods.*
Well, look, I have to get home, but things are complicated and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be followed. I have no other transport. If you want to come with us, I can assure you that you'll be safe, well, as safe as you can be, and certainly safer than on your own. How about it?

>