h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hey everybody, @ntz says sorry for not posting latley but he would just like to assure u all he is still not a sheep!

the masses are sheep to the squirls. Mind the low hanging bridges

Marv

indeed. anyway just doing a quick checkup, how r everyone's dragons doing? o.k? if there's any problems i've just learnt this great new way of training through hypnotism and i'm dying to try it out

Hi all,

Back from my break and raring to go again. General news in Devon is that the squirrel menace has made very little headway. This is mainly due to the insane Sea Gulls that inhabit the area. Unfortunately I do not believe they will be any kind of allies as they seem to hate anything that isn't a Sea Gull rather than just the squirrels.

There have been no major new tech. releases over the last week but the following are now available for general use:

Sonic Blaster - Hand-held weapon (with belt pack for power source) that produces higly focussed, directional sound waves from ordinary music sources (e.g. CD's, tapes, etc.). This allows us to scramble to brains of a squirrel from a range of 200 yards with an intense blast of guitar based rock.

Anti Sonic Blaster Protection System - Just in case there are any misfirings these will be issued as standard with all Sonic Blasters. ASBPS's will neutralise any potentially dangerous sound (e.g. The Best of Michael Barrymore) by retro-broadcasting some anti-noise. They may look like normal earplugs buts it's not the case.

Anyway, more later.

Rama

Er...Rama.

You may wish to tone down the setting on your new sonic blaster slightly. I made the mistake of picking one of the best guitar solo's I could find to test it on (Dazed & Confused) instead of a subtle starter tune.
Being me, of course, I set it to full.
I ended up firing myself ten feet in the air, levelling the building I was in and blowing out all the windows in the street. Must've F**Ked the local squirrels though.

u know i really hate squirrels.

I think thats the point.

Did you know that there are new smileys out already. However there is no SQUIRREL SMILEY. If we were to have a squirrel detector a squirrel smiley would appear in times of danger. It would be great for the cause.
I have started a forum on the smiley page. Help the protest for this smiley. Click on this one here or my name and go to the forum called "What no squirrels".
Come on soldiers! this is an emergency.
MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!

i have never figured out the smileys. i just don't know how to use them.

but that's besides the point.

all is quiet here...almost TOO quiet...i think i'd like to try one of those sonic blaster thingys just to break up the silence. maybe the squirrels would react. maybe they would do something. maybe they would give me a nice, token reminder that, yes, they're still here, plotting as usual...ANYTHING! i HATE it when they all vanish! it's so incredibly unnerving!

Sorry,

In the instruction booklet should have been a line stating that guitar solos should only be used in the direst of emergencies. Lead guitar can be a bit manic but the best is a good blast of rhythm guitar.



Rama

alien, if you don't like it when things disapear, then DON'T DO IT!

Marv

ps Do you think the overture to tommy would work well in the Sonic Blaster?

After further studies I think that basslines may be the key. I've tried the bass from the Gorillaz song Clint Eastwood and that seems to blast things quite effectively. Try other heavy basslines for extra oomph.

Also does anyone feel up to trying my patented Matter Displacement and Resizing Device. Basically it can shrink you and reform your bodily structure to that of a Squirrel for short amounts of time (about 8 hours). Does our reconnaissance division fancy a bit of covert operations? The only worry I have is one of smell and pheremones but I think we can get around that by rubbing yourself with a dead Squirrel before you go. Disgusting but I think effective.

More later,

Rama

oh oh! Rama! me me me! let me try! go on! me! although can't u make a dead squirrel spray or summat?

Sure Scruff,

The device is being couriered to you as I type. The Squirrel pheromones are perculier and my team have been unable to replicate them so I'm afraid for now that it's the dead squirrel or nothing.

Rama

Oi Bob,

I've just looked at the ASL homepage for the first time in a while and you don't mention me as part of the team. Are you keeping me quiet so that the squirrels don't know about our research efforts or what?

Rama

Nah...he's just lazy

I thought that was Marvins job.

Rama

AAAAGH!

I thought that I'd already put you up. Is anyone else missing? (I think Yma and @ntz are not there either.)

I'm sorry, I was double timing for Marvin and being lazy.

Bob my Sick friend, I am currently trying (and failing) to make you an anti-squirrel badge . But when you receive it, whatever you do DO NOT look underneath the picture to see what was originally there. It is either a message of pure evil or a photo of the sons of Satan .

Right I'm off home. I'll see how many squirrels I can hit in my car tonight on the way home

Rama

oi Bob! no nicking other people's jobs!!!!! u may be the all powerful chief of chiefs but that's no excuse! ....actually maybe it is now i come to think of it.......hmmmmmm..........i've just made an idiot of myself haven't i.........oops *hides sheepishly behind dragon*