The Squirrel Conspiracy
Created | Updated Aug 9, 2003
WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. IT'S TIME TO BE PREPARED.
THE PAST
In the past the world's ecosystem contained two very intelligent, advanced animals (okay their were more than two but the other do not count in this story). These were squirrels and humans. There were many types of squirrels (the main being the european red squirrel) but all lived in peace with mankind. This all changed with the arrival of the grey squirrel.
THE GREY SQUIRREL
The grey squirrel was created in a high-tech laborotory connected to such powerful names as the FBI, CIA, KGB, MI5, MI6 and QVC. It is unknwon whether the squirrels were created as a secret Cold war weapon or whether they are alien hybrids but their past is defantely murky and well hidden.
Whatever the origional purpose was, the squirrels have now become a major threat to the safety of mankind.
THE CONSPIRACY
There are two main conspiracies associated with the grey squirrel. Either way we are in trouble.
1)The squirrels were created by a secret, and rather shady,government organisation (now known as Slabulbus) to help them in their plotting. The squirrels are used as spies and foot soldiers and are the main weapon of this hidden, fascist group. The only way to stop the squirrels would be to take out the lunatics creating them.
2) The squirrels were created for a secret, but peaceful, use by the government. However the squirrels escaped and now seek revenge against mankind. The squirrels must be planning to destroy the human race to become the ruling animal of the planet. They are beleived to have some sort of alliance with Slabulbus even if they were not created by them.
SKILLS OF THE SQUIRREL
The squirrel has many skills of which it can use in it's deadly pursuits.
1) Cuteness:- By looking cute the squirrels can impose a false sense of security on uninformed members of the public. This makes it easier for them to infiltrate the homes and gardens of thier enemies.
2) Agility:- Squirrels are extremely agile creatures. They are fast sprinters, long jumpers and have very good grip when scaling
walls. I have even seen squirrels training on miniture military assault courses.
3) Numbers:- Squirrels breed at an ridiculous rate which means that a large army of squirrels can literally be formed overnight by a small, but busy, platoon.
4) Teeth:- Squirrels can actually give quite a nasty bite when cornered.
5) Flight:- Some squirrels have developed a thin layer of skin that is webbed between their limbs. The squirrels can use this like wings to glide from high altitutes.
6) Weapondary:- The squirrels have a surpirsingly large arsenal of weapons. Above the usual throwing nuts, more advanced squirrels can carry gas nuts, exploding nuts, miniture semi-automatic pistols and twigs.
THE RED SQUIRREL
Some of you reading this may be wondering what has been happening to the red squirrel during all of this anarchy. The grey squirrels tried to corrupt the reds into joining them. Other than a few defections the majority of the red squirrels refused. In revenge, the grey squirrels forced the reds into ghettos and starved them. Many innocent red squirrels died for their peaceful beliefs. In retaliation, small groups of red squirrel freedom fighters were formed. These were collectively known as "the red army."
Only by allying with these peaceful cousins of our enemy can we fight the squirrel terror together.
DEFECTIONS
In the beginning of the red/grey war there were many defections. A few grey squirrels broke their mould and joined the rebel reds as inside spies. However, a small group of cowardly reds also joined to grey squirrels for protection. It has also been known for squirrels to dye their fur so that they may infiltrate the enemy bases. Therefore, during the revolution, you must not discriminate against a squirrel because of it's colour. It's not safe and it's not PC either.
THE HIERARCHY
There is a complex heirarchy within the squirrel community. The squirrels you will find in your gardens or local parks will be the lowly ground forces. Do not bow to the urge to fight these no matter how easy it appears. Even if you can erradicate the squirrel threat to your area, the higher ranked squirrels will be informed and a larger retallition army will be sent. It is not sure whether the leaders are squirrel or human but they are no doubt foreboding. To truly join the revolution you must help to expose the leaders so that we may destroy the squirrel hierarchy and throw them into disarry.
EXTRA DANGERS
While fighting the great squirrel war there are a few things you should remember. One of these is that the squirrels have human allies. These are a great danger to the revolutionary as they are not only bigger or stronger but have opposable thumbs and can work technology easier. This is why you must never reveal your real name in public while despensing revolutionary papers as thus. You must also never underestimate the intelligence of the squirrel. The squirrels you see in the park are the lowest in the heirarchy and they are not stupid. I would not like to go head-to-head against the leader squirrels. Another thing to remember is that the squirrels have a very powerful research group that conduct vile experiments on their own kind. We have already seen the success of the flying squirrel, who know what thier next weapon may be.
The last, but possibly most important, warning is that the squirrels have a very good secret service. Stay on your toes. They could be watching you right now!
US AND THEM
I myself did not beleive the truth when I first heard it. However I was convinced by an inside source. One day, about a year ago, I found a red squirrel sitting on my window ledge, one story up. I wasn't sure how it got there but realising that it was an endangered species (How naive I was) I took it into the house. I was surprised to find that it could speak english (although in a rather squeaky, slightly Irish sounding way). He told me that he could not tell me his real name but that he went by the codename Mr Snuffles as that was what it's first human contact called him (a six year old girl called Alice, now believed to be held by the squirrels for interogation)
Mr Snuffles had been put up in an orphanage by his parents who were being starved by the greys. He was brought up by a group of revolutionaries. His goal was to find as many human allies that he could, destroy the squirrel empire and find his family. I agreed to find help through the internet while my dog (a champion squirrel-hunter) stood guard. Only one question remains. Are you with us or are you one of them?
Here are some of our allies and enemies.
SICK BOB B-)
The founder, leader, CHIEF OF CHIEFS <flyhi>and all-together worshipfullness of the League against squirrels. He controls the alliegance from a secret headquarters in Glasgow, Scotland. He is undoubtably a genius but is also believed to be clinically insane. 8-)
MARVIN THE ROBOT
One of the original members of the anti-squirrel league. Marvin is a spy working on a recon mission on one of the major squirrel headquarters in New York City. Marvin is CHIEF LAZY B<grr>ST<grr>RD of the ASL.
ANONYMOUSALIEN
Another original member and spy. Works with Marvin on the NYC recon initiative. Also CHIEF KICKER OF LAZY B<grr>ST<grr>D's in the ASL.
JED THE HUMANOID
Jed controls all activaties in the Hertfordshire (if that's spelt right) area. A proud strong warrior who was unbeaten for many years untill the squirrels discovered his one weakness: Mayonaisse. He is also CHIEF MAD DRUNKEN WARRIOR of the ASL. <stiffdrink>
POSITIVEFREAK
Alias: Scruff, positivefreak is a brave soldier. She is CHIEF DRAGON TRAINER <bat> and currently controls the whole of Wales single-handedly (we don't want to know where her other hand is...) Has a penchant for sherbet lemons.
"ROLF HARRIS ATE MY BABY"
A rock band that make subtle political statements on the side of the Anti-squirrel League. They're also damn good. Their members include Randolf, (bass and keyboards) a highly trained monkey butler and skilled vetaran of the great Molotov chipmunk war and Phil (drums) an Orang-utan who has sworn revenge on the squirrels for secretly replacing his memory to boost membership of their fan club.
CHRISTOPHER
Another monkey butler, and manservant to Jed the Humanoid. Has sworn vengeance against the squirrels since his parents were killed by the evil Dr Cletus.
THE PAST
In the past the world's ecosystem contained two very intelligent, advanced animals (okay their were more than two but the other do not count in this story). These were squirrels and humans. There were many types of squirrels (the main being the european red squirrel) but all lived in peace with mankind. This all changed with the arrival of the grey squirrel.
THE GREY SQUIRREL
The grey squirrel was created in a high-tech laborotory connected to such powerful names as the FBI, CIA, KGB, MI5, MI6 and QVC. It is unknwon whether the squirrels were created as a secret Cold war weapon or whether they are alien hybrids but their past is defantely murky and well hidden.
Whatever the origional purpose was, the squirrels have now become a major threat to the safety of mankind.
THE CONSPIRACY
There are two main conspiracies associated with the grey squirrel. Either way we are in trouble.
1)The squirrels were created by a secret, and rather shady,government organisation (now known as Slabulbus) to help them in their plotting. The squirrels are used as spies and foot soldiers and are the main weapon of this hidden, fascist group. The only way to stop the squirrels would be to take out the lunatics creating them.
2) The squirrels were created for a secret, but peaceful, use by the government. However the squirrels escaped and now seek revenge against mankind. The squirrels must be planning to destroy the human race to become the ruling animal of the planet. They are beleived to have some sort of alliance with Slabulbus even if they were not created by them.
SKILLS OF THE SQUIRREL
The squirrel has many skills of which it can use in it's deadly pursuits.
1) Cuteness:- By looking cute the squirrels can impose a false sense of security on uninformed members of the public. This makes it easier for them to infiltrate the homes and gardens of thier enemies.
2) Agility:- Squirrels are extremely agile creatures. They are fast sprinters, long jumpers and have very good grip when scaling
walls. I have even seen squirrels training on miniture military assault courses.
3) Numbers:- Squirrels breed at an ridiculous rate which means that a large army of squirrels can literally be formed overnight by a small, but busy, platoon.
4) Teeth:- Squirrels can actually give quite a nasty bite when cornered.
5) Flight:- Some squirrels have developed a thin layer of skin that is webbed between their limbs. The squirrels can use this like wings to glide from high altitutes.
6) Weapondary:- The squirrels have a surpirsingly large arsenal of weapons. Above the usual throwing nuts, more advanced squirrels can carry gas nuts, exploding nuts, miniture semi-automatic pistols and twigs.
THE RED SQUIRREL
Some of you reading this may be wondering what has been happening to the red squirrel during all of this anarchy. The grey squirrels tried to corrupt the reds into joining them. Other than a few defections the majority of the red squirrels refused. In revenge, the grey squirrels forced the reds into ghettos and starved them. Many innocent red squirrels died for their peaceful beliefs. In retaliation, small groups of red squirrel freedom fighters were formed. These were collectively known as "the red army."
Only by allying with these peaceful cousins of our enemy can we fight the squirrel terror together.
DEFECTIONS
In the beginning of the red/grey war there were many defections. A few grey squirrels broke their mould and joined the rebel reds as inside spies. However, a small group of cowardly reds also joined to grey squirrels for protection. It has also been known for squirrels to dye their fur so that they may infiltrate the enemy bases. Therefore, during the revolution, you must not discriminate against a squirrel because of it's colour. It's not safe and it's not PC either.
THE HIERARCHY
There is a complex heirarchy within the squirrel community. The squirrels you will find in your gardens or local parks will be the lowly ground forces. Do not bow to the urge to fight these no matter how easy it appears. Even if you can erradicate the squirrel threat to your area, the higher ranked squirrels will be informed and a larger retallition army will be sent. It is not sure whether the leaders are squirrel or human but they are no doubt foreboding. To truly join the revolution you must help to expose the leaders so that we may destroy the squirrel hierarchy and throw them into disarry.
EXTRA DANGERS
While fighting the great squirrel war there are a few things you should remember. One of these is that the squirrels have human allies. These are a great danger to the revolutionary as they are not only bigger or stronger but have opposable thumbs and can work technology easier. This is why you must never reveal your real name in public while despensing revolutionary papers as thus. You must also never underestimate the intelligence of the squirrel. The squirrels you see in the park are the lowest in the heirarchy and they are not stupid. I would not like to go head-to-head against the leader squirrels. Another thing to remember is that the squirrels have a very powerful research group that conduct vile experiments on their own kind. We have already seen the success of the flying squirrel, who know what thier next weapon may be.
The last, but possibly most important, warning is that the squirrels have a very good secret service. Stay on your toes. They could be watching you right now!
US AND THEM
I myself did not beleive the truth when I first heard it. However I was convinced by an inside source. One day, about a year ago, I found a red squirrel sitting on my window ledge, one story up. I wasn't sure how it got there but realising that it was an endangered species (How naive I was) I took it into the house. I was surprised to find that it could speak english (although in a rather squeaky, slightly Irish sounding way). He told me that he could not tell me his real name but that he went by the codename Mr Snuffles as that was what it's first human contact called him (a six year old girl called Alice, now believed to be held by the squirrels for interogation)
Mr Snuffles had been put up in an orphanage by his parents who were being starved by the greys. He was brought up by a group of revolutionaries. His goal was to find as many human allies that he could, destroy the squirrel empire and find his family. I agreed to find help through the internet while my dog (a champion squirrel-hunter) stood guard. Only one question remains. Are you with us or are you one of them?
Here are some of our allies and enemies.
SICK BOB B-)
The founder, leader, CHIEF OF CHIEFS <flyhi>and all-together worshipfullness of the League against squirrels. He controls the alliegance from a secret headquarters in Glasgow, Scotland. He is undoubtably a genius but is also believed to be clinically insane. 8-)
MARVIN THE ROBOT
One of the original members of the anti-squirrel league. Marvin is a spy working on a recon mission on one of the major squirrel headquarters in New York City. Marvin is CHIEF LAZY B<grr>ST<grr>RD of the ASL.
ANONYMOUSALIEN
Another original member and spy. Works with Marvin on the NYC recon initiative. Also CHIEF KICKER OF LAZY B<grr>ST<grr>D's in the ASL.
JED THE HUMANOID
Jed controls all activaties in the Hertfordshire (if that's spelt right) area. A proud strong warrior who was unbeaten for many years untill the squirrels discovered his one weakness: Mayonaisse. He is also CHIEF MAD DRUNKEN WARRIOR of the ASL. <stiffdrink>
POSITIVEFREAK
Alias: Scruff, positivefreak is a brave soldier. She is CHIEF DRAGON TRAINER <bat> and currently controls the whole of Wales single-handedly (we don't want to know where her other hand is...) Has a penchant for sherbet lemons.
"ROLF HARRIS ATE MY BABY"
A rock band that make subtle political statements on the side of the Anti-squirrel League. They're also damn good. Their members include Randolf, (bass and keyboards) a highly trained monkey butler and skilled vetaran of the great Molotov chipmunk war and Phil (drums) an Orang-utan who has sworn revenge on the squirrels for secretly replacing his memory to boost membership of their fan club.
CHRISTOPHER
Another monkey butler, and manservant to Jed the Humanoid. Has sworn vengeance against the squirrels since his parents were killed by the evil Dr Cletus.
