h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Speaking as the Rodent Messiah, i can honestly say that these claims are not completely unfounded, but the conspiracy is not as deep as you might think. I have been battling for many years against the grey squirrel revolutionaries, for they are revolutionaires, and their views are not that of the majority of squirrels, red and grey alike. It is very important that you realize the majority of the squirrel population remains loyal to me, The Rodent Messiah, and are as keen as i am in destroying the grey squirreled insurection. I have spent the better part of my life tracking down these traitors and disposing of them, before they can spread their lies further. The grey squirrels believe that a new leader is coming, and that it is their duty to overthrow the current ruler (me) in order to make way for their new "messiah." It is therefore that i ask for your continued help in the fight for justice, so that squirrels and humans and dolphins and mice and crows and caterpillars and minows and alligators and lions and tigers and bears (oh my) and all other sorts of somewhat intelligent lifeforms can continue to live in peace. I further implore you that you limit your attacks to only known grey squirrel radicals, as to not disrupt the remainder of the peaceful squirrel population. Thank you again.