h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Are you mad, man! (oh wait that's part of your title, along with drunk.)



We could have lost our dragon trainer had that thing landed. Not to mention many covert Welsh allies. I will send a platoon of monkeys right away.

Anyway, it's good to be back after the dangerous mission and you should be pleased to hear that I am alive and well. However the news it not all good. This is the official rport of the mission.

I entered the cemetary quietly and slowly. In my assult buggy I carried my ghetto blaster, my alsation "Luther," my dragon "Henryton" and my flamethrower, yet unnamed. As I parked the buggy I heard a rustle. The bush straight ahead was the HQ I had heard about. I quickly decided that Hubert should go clear the above trees in case of snipers while I sent Luther into the base to scare them out. I would be waiting outside to fry the b******s.
Both my allies disapeared off quietly and I waited for reply. Nothing came. I panicked and pulled the Ghetto blaster off of my back and hit play... "I am an Anarchist! and I am an Antichrist!" Luckily a dose of "the sex pistols" scared the furry little ones out of their hiding place freeing my captured canine. I made sure I burnt them all as they ran. Something seemed suspicious though and Henryton still had not returned. I told Luther to return home as I ventured up into the trees. As I reached the top I saw another squirrel base. The first had only been a front to distract me. Damn these cunning rodents. There did not seem to be any guards. I slowly crept forward. Suddenly I saw a shadow before me, I looked closer. It was Henryton. He had been decapitated, cleanly. I stepped back in shock and almost fell out the tree. Thank god my dog had got home safe. Suddenly I saw before me a red light. It stepped forward and I realised that it was the night vison visor of a ninja mongoose! I had never seen anything like this. What was a mongoose doing helping the squirrels. Where had it trained for it's skill and who makes those robes in mongoose sizes! I didn't have time to think, so I grabbed the stereo and hit play again. "Taaaaaaame!" screamed "The Pixies" but to no avail. Music did not seem to work on it. It pulled out it's sword and I my flamethrower and we charged. The shimmering blade cut through the tip of the 'thrower successfully and I was forced to ditch the weapon for fear of explosion. Unarmed I retreated and fell backwards to the ground. The mongoose pulled out a kazoo and sounded the alarm before disapering into the night. I looked up and on every branch of every tree was a squirrel. The began to bombard me with nuts and twigs. I grabbed the CD player and quickly put on "The Clash." "My baby drove up in a brand new caddilac..." it screamed but the sound was not powerful enough to be heard over the cries of the squirrel warriors. This was hopeless and there was no way I could reach the hifi any more. Suddenly I remembered that I always pack for such emergencies. I pulled the pair of DD44 Dostovei pistols from under my arms and blasted into the trees. The squirrels were hurt bad enough to give me time to reach the ghetto blaster. Their cries had quietened from their damaged numbers but I wasn't taking any risks. I put on "Kashmir" by "Led Zepplin" and they lost control. I emptied six or seven rounds into the little buggers as they ran. One even made a kamakaze dive for my face but I managed to hit it point blank in the chest, disembowling the critter, before it came too close. I got up proud of a job well done but was still worried. The ninja mongoose was gone for a while and I doubt it will come for me again in a while but you should all stay on the look out. This thing can take on dragons single handedly. I also think that this is truly a day of mourning for poor Henryton who was brave untill the end.
A soldiers burial shall be arranged.
Good luck, comrades.

I fear something maybe in planing, its been a while since I last spoted anyof them around. If you stick to concrete, they become more discrete? anyone else think we should start trying to ryme for now on, just to keep things interesting?

Don't bury that dragon, my cloning facility may be able to 'grow' a new Henryton. All I should need is a few grams of material.

New this week:

MASSW - Multiple Anti-Squirrel Scatter Weapon

After a rethink of tactics my team came to the conclusion that the majority of time we will be fighting lots of small targets rather than one big one. So we've designed this handheld weapon that will fire hundreds of poisoned flechettes (Anti-Squirrel poison only, I love genetics) in a 45 degree angle. We still need to test a little more so if anyone wants to volunteer for testing please let me know.

This Ninja Mongoose incident has got me worried though. They're obviously drafting in help from other mammalian Anti-Human groups. Perhaps our Intelligence Bureau need to dig about within other groups to see what they're up to.

I've converted some old dirt bikes with double light machine guns fixed forward. I've also added some light armour to keep the speed up. If you want to paint it the paint shop is open for anyone's use.

Finally, I've got a prototype of a small recon craft disguised to look like a Heron. It should be able to photograph and detect in infra-red what the critters are doing wothout them being being alarmed by it.

Anyway, back to the launch bay,

Rama

Morning,

Did anyone see Banzai on Channel 4 last night? There was an event called Squirrel Fishing which could be used a psychological torture on captured squirrels.

All you need is a tree, 2 fishing rods (with tackle) and 2 unshelled peanuts (or other nut of a similar size).

You and your opponent sit in the tree dangling the nut-laden fishing line down to the ground. THen the squirrels are released. They will of course be attracted by the nuts and come over to eat them.

The winner is the first person to raise a squirrel completely off the ground whilst it's trying to nibble the nut.

I can envisage hours of fun for us and torture for those little furry b*****ds.

I have plenty of fishing rods in storage if anyone fancies a game.

Back to my breakfast,

Rama

june 21st 2001
diary of a soldier
dear diary,
f**k this for a laugh, what do the furry little b*****ds think they're playing at!? First they refuse to respond to my precious nirvana albums then they steal my god damn washing line. Well there's too many of them now. Me and the dragons have had to take shelter while we think up a plan and rest, there's just too many of them. My request for help has gone through to HQ but I'm still waiting. no doubt it will come soon. I am disturbed by news of this new threat that comes in mongoose packaging and deeply saddened by the decapitation of a dear friend. HAH we'll see what happens when the little f***er comes for me! I'll teach him to go round thinking he's hard. Let's see him blow his kazoo when it's jammed where the sun don't shine! this is scruff signing out.

Can I borrow a dragon?

I saw Banzai also and was amused by the squirrel fishing. However I fear that our enemy (codename Marzipan) was using the show as a booster for pro-squirrel propaganda. Although I do beleive that the singing bald guy is possibly the most intelligent man on telivision, he may be ignorant to the ASL cause and may allow the squirrels to boost their "cuteness" defence to the world. Be wary.
Don't worry scruff, I have already sent you some backup. They should be arriving soon unless they have been ambushed on the way...
I believe Rama is doing some genetic research and may be able to create us a superdragon by cloning and engineering what remains of Henryton. Although he shall never return (and we shall avenge this loss to all our power, the ninja f**ker shall die a cowards death, avenge, AVENGE) I am sure that no power shall be lost from the ASL in this sad time. I beleive the "Hubertonisian 2342 grade 5 blue dragon" or "Hubert" as I like to call him is coming along well, Rama. With Rama's engineering, scruff's training, my tactisional skills and Jed's drunkeness, our new troop should be unstoppable.

*************
!!NEWSFLASH!!
*************

Government scientists working covertly in the New Forest are trying to re-introduce the Red Squirrel back into it's native environment. We should look upon this new colony as the start of a new era and defend it to the hilt as I am sure the 'Greys' will be planning a counter-attack.

********************
!!END OF NEWSFLASH!!
********************

who wanted a dragon? Marvin it was you wasn't it. Right I'm going to let you have one of my no.1 squad streamline fighter dragons, she's a b*****d to control at first but once she gets used to you she's no problem, don't give her any treats and make sure you feed her on live squirrel flesh at least once a day. Oh and give her plenty of cuddles, no dragon can be an invincible killing machine without cuddles. her name is Kiri. look after her.

By the way thanx for the backup, oh we got the wahing line back and then proceeded to hang the little squirrel f****s with it! Mwahahahahahahaha! Now for the lil ninja b*****d! Oh yes revenge will be mine and the dragons for the murder of one of their kin. and obviously revenge will be anyone else's that wants to join in

And yes I agree that thebald guy on Banzai is definitley the most inteligent bloke on t.v. Who wants to kidnap him with me and then brainwash him into giving out subliminal signals on t.v that everyone should put cyanide in the nuts they feed to the squirrels? or is that a little too far fetched?
peace out
scruff.

I have been recruited by scruff to strengthen the forces of good against squirrels. please may i join? I live in wales and scruff could do with the help. i am not an idiot. my special skill is being non-sheeplike, i'm sure this will help as squirrels are not threatened by sheep in the slightest. scruff has informed me of the on going battle between us and the darkside. u know who i'm talking about those evil b******s we know as..............oh god i can't even say it........squirrels. ugh, now i'm gonna have a horrible taste in my mouth for weeks.
over and out
@ntz

Welcome @ntz, I'm sure your skills of un-sheep-ness will be very useful to our cause(and will stop me from spontaniously burning you...)
I would like to appluad scruff for finding us a new member for the ASL board. Fresh blood is always welcome (whether metaphorical or literal.)

P.S. scruff, until Rama has finished the design of Hubert may I have a loan of another dragon. I will take it as a personal mission to hunt down this elusive ninja mongoose. I beleive that it would be helpful to find out more about this creature before destroying it as there may be others like it. I dread to think of Dr Cletus' connection to all this.

hmmmmmmm go on then. I can't really spare any more of my streamline fighter dragons but I guess you could have on of the heavyweights. O.k u can borrow Dirideemus, he's pretty much untouchable on the kicking of asses. Remember cuddles are an important part of every dragons life. oh and when you find that little mongoose b*****d try not to kill him in the experiments. that's my job! I will avenge Hubert for me and for all dragon kind!!!!

p.s do u think it would be a good idea to train a few of the dragons in the ways of the ninja then they will be a match for any more of the f****rs. I'm not losing anymore of my babies.

How big do dragons get? Can I keep it in the park so it will have all the food it wants? if people put cynaid on the nuts to fed to the squirrels then it would be an homage to Tom Leher. So he does connected to the anti-squirrel conspiracy yet again.

Marv

We need to recruit Tom Lehrer, he's obviously is the kind of man the ASL needs. On a different note, I think I've found a squirrel nest nearby. There has been a lot of suspicious squirrel activity going in and out of a large tree. I've got some monkey butlers staking it out, all armed to the teeth with boom boxes and every kind of gun imaginable, but those b******s still make me nervous…

marvin - the one i've lent u is as big as it's going to get. I'd advise against keeping her in the park as she will get really sulky about it. Don't worry about keeping her in the house as she is past the stage of tearing up the carpet. About the food. u'll have to go out on a squirrel hunt at least once a day but i mean this is the asl so that shouldn't be a problem.
peace out
scruff.

Thanx for the dragon scruff. Dirideemus is really fitting in. He's good at keeping gaurd and can also play Perfect Dark really well (although he keeps telling me to buy Half-life, but I'm saving up for weapons...)
The cyanide nuts were created a while back but had the problem of poisoning other species. New squirrel-specific poisons are in the pipeline.

Keep the home sheep burning.

i think you should take the dragon's advice on buying half_life. I train my dragons well .they are intelligent aswel as destructive.

@ntz has asked me to inform u all that he may not be able to get to HQ as often as he would like however he will still remain loyal and continue to be non-sheeplike and will report through me when he can't get to HQ. (that sounds painful)

peace out
Scruff

NYC update

The squirrels are definitely recruiting other members of the rodent family here. My sources reveal that a minimum of 17 pet shops in the Metropolitan area have been infiltrated by the furry menace. Hamsters are becoming increasingly savage and the little white mice are escaping with greater frequency. In the wild, the squirrels are having less success, mainly because those species they are attempting to recruit also happen to compete with them for food, and are therefore less inclined to help. Still, this is an escalating problem here.

On a more optimistic note, two major rodent species are developing an organized opposition to the squirrels: chipmunks and guinea pigs. The chipmunk population is severely outnumbered in NYC, but these are sneaky little devils with unmatched determination. They generally operate in pairs. Although chipmunks may appear shy and skittish to humans, they are proving to be valiant allies against the grey squirrels. The guinea pigs are greater in number, but far less valuable, due to their inconvenient physique. Very round, with disproportionately small legs and feet, they have neither the muscles nor speed to prove of much use, and being domestic creatures, rarely even get out of the house. However, they are extremely loyal, and are proving to be excellent administrators, though never soldiers.

The oversized New York rats remain neutral, a position they will hopefully maintain in the months ahead.

This is the Cheshire Cat, signing off for now. Good luck, soldiers.I wish I could join you at the front lines, but those are across the Atlantic from me, and here in America espionage remains the primary focus on both sides.

I'll keep it in the living room. Do you think we could use transgenetic lab mice to overrun the squirrels? We could make them really big and then they could eat the squirrels. Can I be incharge of bioenginering departement of the ASL?

Marv

Greeting everyone,

Now pay attention:

Bob - Your Hubert clone is ready, although I had to implement some major cybernetic restructuring due to our limited genetic engineering program. However this has allowed to add a Kevlar based exo-skeleton for added protection, a couple of missile launchers and some radar technology.

PositiveFreak - My R&D section have come up with a prototype cybernetic enhancement teaching aid. In short it can teach a number of skills in a few minutes instead of the years it normally takes. At the moment it's only optimized from the Dragon physiology but we have Kung Fu, Aikido and Tae Kwon Do database ready for downloading. Let me know if you can spare a Dragon for field trials.

Marvin - You can have a batch of our Anti-Squirrel venom. It's only been tested on European Squirrels so I would be interested to find out what effect it will have a genetically similar cousins. I'll send it over in the next diplomatic pouch.

Monkey Butler Leader - Could you get me some size specifications for your butlers. We've developed some light armour material which could be fashioned into decnt armoured suits for your followers.

Anonymousealien - Your diplomatic works within the Chipmunk and Guinea Pig communities is excellent. If you can get a few volunteers to come over to my labs I'm sure I can find them some armour and armaments and may also be able to sort out some sort of transport system for the GP contingent.

@ntz - Welcome to the group. If you can think of anything you need let me know and I'll get my lab working on it. I've already sorted you out a Dune Buggy Assault Vehicle with mounted machine guns, sound system and 7 CD AutoChanger. I'll leave the colour down to you but please feel free to use my paint shop if required.

Right, that's about it for now. One more thing though, with the nice weather sweeping the country(UK only, don't know about NYC) at the moment the Squirrels are out in ever increasing numbers so we need to be even more vigilant than usual. Already I have seen people in parks watching with pleasure at the furry B******s as they "scamper" from place to place. We know the truth, we know their evil plotting, we have seen the evil committed by their hands (OK, paws, whatever). We cannot afford to let them get the popular vote or we're dead in the water.

Back to the Genetic Assay Facility,

Rama

"Some say that if we ever found out the purpose of the Universe it would end and something even more strange would take it's place. Some people say this has already happened."