h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thanks, but I'm spending most of my time scouting out Edinburgh.

rama -- sorry to hear about the difficulties presented by the chipmunk pair. their direct superiors have been notified, and a response should be shortly forthcoming. meanwhile, try withholding acorns for a few days, and see if there is any improvement.

marvin -- get that dragon under control! rumors of its presence are already circulating throughout the pet shops, and the squirrels in washington square are getting edgy. we do not want to provoke an all-out battle on our own turf! if the dragon cannot fight yet, keep it from advertising its presence in nyc! btw, can you recruit the nyoka, or shall i try to myself?

signing off for now....

Okay,

You'll have to do without for a week or so. I will be sans PC until the 9th of July after today. So of there's anything you want urgently please let me know today so I can get my labs working on it.

Rama

marvin - if you're having trouble with Kiri then she's probably just homesick. I've just finished training an elite dragon force so if you want to send her back then i can do a swap. This lot don't have so much 'character' so they won't attack the t.v and also are the most self controlled lot you should ever hope to meet. Through selective breeding I've also managed to get camouflage skin so they are not as conspicuous as my dear bright purple Kiri. It's up to you, just let me know if you want to do a swap.

why is it whenever i go away for 5 minutes I miss a whole load of stuff. typical.

Scruff...do you have any Firedrakes...I don't think i should be trusted with a full sized dragon..I mean..i wouldn't want to get charged with Dragon training under the influence...(in case you haven't read Magician (one of my favourite all time books) A Firedrake is just an ickle dragon really..like a dragons little cousin..they're more serpentine..as in the wings are underdeveloped and they look more like a cross between a big snake and a Alligator..on the other hand..some people would just consider that to be a baby dragon..but i want a fully grown Firedrake...not to be confused with mandrake.who...if i remember rightly..was one of the Defenders of the Earth.)

And a dark purple would do nicely if they can be ordered to colour...either that or a very dark deep blood red/crimson type colour
The mad drunken fighting tactic has never really involved Camoflauge that high on the list of strategies to try..I think the main (if not only one) is smash a glass, ram it in someones face, then either run away, headbutt or kick them in the face while they're on the ground..depending upon the success of the first part of the maneuvere..
Oh..and whats the policy on giving alcohol to dragons (and Firedrakes for that matter)..i mean..for obvious reasons I'd prefer a sidekick with a taste for the hops..but then..maybe I ask for too much..
Oh...and i promise to be careful with the chainguns when he's around
(if i can name him..can I call him Rhys??)

here ya go, it's as if he was designed for you *hands over a particularly cute little purple firedrake* watch it he'll have your hand off at the wrist if u mistreat him.

rama - thanks for those training books and all that other stuff! Coming on in leaps and bounds and gettin em trained by the tens rather than one at a time. i'm gonna have a bit of an army going at this rate. but of course i haven't forgotten the personal touch and plenty of cuddles and ear tickling. That goes for all of you, treat your dragons with love and respect and in return they will love and respect you back.......and if you're lucky not accidentaly burn your house down.

Thanks for the ear tickling...i love that..and the cuddles too
And whats the news about alcohol for dragons/firedrakes..i mean....i realise that if its too pure it will just burn..possibly hurting the throats..but am i okay to share a stella with Rhys every now and then?
I mean..he's working out fine at the minute..i even got him to get my (admittedly now slightly singed) slippers this morning..but I feel the Chief Mad Drunken Warrior should have a mad drunken firedrake at his side..and I've been avoiding leashes cause I think they're cruel.but is one neccasary?

and incidentally...nobody's ever respected me..this sounds like a good thing..and I've been showing plenty of love for little Rhys...and discovered he likes Gingernuts (the biscuit..not my flame haired friends happysac)

sorry I've been so lazy lately. I've access to a whole lot of mice, anyone need snacks for their dragons?

Marv

Does anyone know the quality of the squirrels' transatlantic communication? Specifically, has anyone over there heard the rumors of a vast-reaching Grand Grey Squirrel Conference, or is it strictly an American phenomenon?

Either way, veritable hoards of squirrels are vanishing mysteriously throughout the East Coast here, apparently convening in Philadelphia. Cheeky b******s seem to be making fun of the US Founding Fathers in both their choice of location and seeming purpose of their little conference. Again, I have to ask if only the US squirrels are reorganizing their leadership structure, or if it is a joint movement. Or perhaps they are forcibly separating themselves from their UK counterparts?

I ask because in the event of an actual Europe/American split within the squirrel community, both sides will doubtless be weakened. Which would be useful for us. Right?

anonymousalien signing off

I've heard nothing of this conference..but a word of warning...my intelliegence (well...it was someone elses intelligence obviously..but i beat it out of them) reports suggest that George W Bush is actually a cyborg controlled by a group of squrrel puppet masters.
Also it was a grey squirrel who shot Jeff Kay (do i mean JFK?), and it wasn't from behind the grassy knoll..it was from a little squirrel dugout at the top of the grassy knoll...this is the problem with the american intelligence services (american intelligence..is that an oxymoron (no offence ) is that their either controlled by the squirrel menace (ie the CIA) or too dumb to be aware of whats actually going on and suspect the squirrels (ie FBI). Beware anonymousalian..the American squirrel menace is a dangerous one..I advise you seek more allies in such a big and corruption ridden country...half of your senators are under control of the Squirrels..and they support both political parties....as far as I know our government hasn't been infiltrated as succesfully yet....they're just w**kers...not squirrel controlled w**kers (yet)
But be on the look out at all time

If you look closely you can see a small door shaped set of lines on William Hague's head which may be an entrance hatch to his head from where a squirrel could control the rest of his robot body like the Arquilian in Men In Black. Just a thought.

you noticed that too? think it's worth looking into?

right jed, yes by all means share a stella with rhys every now and then but I will not be a happy bunny if i ever catch you feeding him any spirits, I don't wanna be mean but it would be like setting off a giant....uh fiery........thing.

Hi. I've finally got round to posting here
Can I join ASL? I think I would be good in the department of Random Connaissance.
Errmmm... As to the door-shape in William Hague's head I don't personally think that he would be any sort of threat because chances are that there is nothing in there anyway...

hi sweety , (well..technically she's sitting next to me...but thats beside the point)
i recommend her as a chief of random connaissance (and a useful purchaser of my Stella etc (ie refuelling of the chief mad drunken warrior..perhaps that can be one of her duties )....humpf..she says....and i laugh in her face) i can guarantee she's not in league with the squirrels..and she is also overly suspicious of the traffic cones...perhaps a cunning arrangement of gun turrets concealed beneath their bright orange covers...which means that drunken louts everywhere are helping us fight the squirrel menace....our unwitting allies (of whom i am the chief..surely)
anyway...I thing she's right..although not really in the details of it. William hagues head is actually filled with really unimpressive activity lounges and (s**t) theme park attractians...a la the millenium dome (I mean..come on..where do you think they got the idea from)
bye people
And keep on fighting the good fight (i'm off to go get ratted)
Veni, Vermini, Vomira
(i came i got ratted..i threw up...much less pretentious than that whole vidi, vici malarkey)

hello there! welcome to our wondeful cause! here have a dragon

Thanx - I shall call him Stanley.
Yeah - about those roadcones - maybe they are in collaboration with The Squirrels or something, like small watchtowers that they can hide in and spy on us from without our knowing.

UM. I'm being lazy. AND YOU CAN"T KICK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Yma, you have been approved by the board for the position of Cheif of Random Connaissance and unless anyone else has a problem with that (are you talking to me...or forever hold your peice)your name shall appear on the main page soon.
I agree with the traffic cone theory. In fact it is something we have worried about for a while (hence the need for Jed's mad drunken warrior army) but have kept covert to avoid panic (much like nuclear weapons...not that we have any, of course, not, no really.)
The other reason is that we have not only been removing squirrel operated cones but replacing them with monkey operated ones. Do not worry about getting them mixed up though. The squirrels place their cones on roads and in car parks and other less conspicuous areas. Our cones are placed strategically on statues, monuments, buildings and often (as extra protection) on our soldiers heads.
Many of our drunken warriors (led by our brilliant chief) will be seen running around the streets at night (esp, outside student unions or main HQ's, esp the QM union of Glasgow Uni) stealing traffic cones, shaking out the squirrel gunners, replacing them with covert dwarf monkeys and placing them on their own head before continuing in this action to strategically place cones all around the union as defence. Just come to Glasgow and you will see a cone on many of the statues. The first cones turret (outside the Modern art gallery) has even become a tourist attraction and turns up on postcards. No really!
You might be right about William Hague. You can never be safe though.
Just remember my new slogan.
Vedi Veni Venubatariousorationa (I saw, I came, sorry...that's never happened before...)

Okay the third word is made up but I don't speak latin and you still get the idea.