h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do you want to prevent people from drowning? Would you like to give the kiss of life to a bikini-babe or handsome hunk? Then join the Beach & Fountain lifeguards, and be proud to save lives, and look GOOD in a swimsuit!

I'd like to sign up for the bikini-babe option, please. And can I wear one of those silly bright yellow or orange life-jackets please? Or do we wear a special uniform?

Yes, you can wear one of those jackets. So, what job do you want? Sea King pilot? Winch man? Let us know!

I would like the position of "Person Who Wanders Helpfully Around The Beach Waiting For Trouble" ... or is that too long?

No, that sounds about right. Okay, I'll see if I can bung it on the page!

Now hang on a moment... I thought *I* signed up for giving bikini-babes mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Maybe I didn't emphasise that point enough...

Am I allowed to add that on to my title? Of course, if that's asking too much, I understand.

Do you know how long it took me to get you this job??? Oh well, I guess I can let you do the mouth-to-mouth ressusitation.. You might find that hard in your bomb shelter, though...

Ah well, I don't mind leaving my air raid shelter if there's a good reason...

Such as piloting the Sea King?
By the way - here's yiour crackerjack chequebook & pencil, plus Blue Peter Badge.

heyhey- id be plenty happy to give mouthtomouth to these beautiful people you call 'handsome hunks' ...
-saffire

Rest assured the position (!?) is yours!

no pun intended of course...................

So hopefully, saffire, there should be a fairly equal division of duties here... But how are we going to arrange the free rides in the helicopter?

i say we each get our own personal helicopter...that should make things easier
-saffire

That's a good idea... we'll have to petition Bluebottle to give us the money. Or else threaten to go on strike if he doesn't give us our helicopters.

Glub. Glub. Glub.
(waggles fin towards Lifeguards Needed sign)
Glub. Glub. Glub. (Starts playing charades, cleverly giving across the message:
Hi, I'd like to apply to be a lifeguard. Particularly if there's any lovely lady fish stranded on the beach. I'd prefer to give the helicopter rides a miss though. I'm very good at finding sunken bodies, if we fail to save anybody.)
Glub. Glub.

-

Just don't get in my way when I'm busy saving bikini babes, and there won't be any trouble...

oh yes- and help us get $$$$ for our helicopters even though you wont be using one!
-saffire

I'll be a lifeguard if you're desperate for them. I'd be much happier creating accidents so the lifeguards have work to do, though.

well...... it looks like youll only get help if youre a handsome hunk
-saffire