h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I heard that.

I offer you free helicopter rides, and you're still not happy.... I don't know, you can't satisfy some people!

okay, you can have a helicopter each. What type of helicopter would you like? You can have any type you like, as long as it was made by Westlands. (Westland Aerospace make helicopters on the Isle of Wight).
You can have either a Sea King, or a Wessex....

No Apaches, Chinooks, Tigers, Puma, Gazelles etc - we're supposed to SAVE people, not blow them to bits.
And yep - can be a lifeguard.

But WHY can't we blow people to bits... After all, even lifeguards need some way to relieve the pressure of their job.

I guess a Sea King will do, though. Can I have air-conditioning and a plastic cup holder with that please?

Yes - and you can also have an automatic winch that allows you to be winched down to the sea and hold bikini babes in your arms and get winched up again with the helicopter staying where it is, so you don't have to worry about piloting it whilst giving the temporary mouth-to-mouth ressussitation.

By the way, mouth-to-mouth is the standard practice for ALL recues, even if a bikini babe/handsome hunk just tripped over a sandcastle and didn't hurt themselves at all.

ooooo- fabulous!
i dont care what kind of helicopter i get----but itd be nice if it had a radio--maybe a built in cd player?
ha, what am i talking about--i dont even have a car with a cd player--...forget that then!
so- roasted amoeba---havent seen you down on the beach lately............
-saffire

Okay, one Wessex helicopter with Radio, 6-disk CD player, DVD, VHS, surround sound, wide-screen flat TV that's the lates in technology (at least 2mx1m to get a really Sharp picture) plus any and all disco lights, spinning glass ball, flashy thingis that you may like too, to further enjoy those sounds. There are also a collection of famous, relaxing paintings if you wish more gentle, contemplative music to listen to, and wish to consider life at it's fullest. Whatever your taste, we supply to accomodate it.

sweet! what a luxurious helicopter
-saffire

Huh? I followed a link here that said it was the swimming pool. Where's all the water?

I suppose I won't need these then.
*Peregrin lays down his water wings, towel, schnorkel, inflatable tyre, locker key, goggles, hair cap, flippers, plastic duck, lilo, spare towel, water polo mask, pool retrieval hook, football, waterproof camera, personal lifeguard, waterproof to 100m watch, verucca socks, water thermometer, DIY diving board, sun lotion, parasol, dry clothes, dressing gown, water skis...*

That's insulting! INSULTING I tell you! What on earth did you bring your personal lifeguard onto the beach for when you knew that there were fully trained personnel, namely Saffire and myself, already here? Some people just don't know the meaning of respect...

damn straight! and look at the way he just flaunts that lifeguard in front of us!!!!!
-saffire

I think we ought to form a union to protect the rights of us lifeguarders... how about it? And can we have official endorsement, Bluebottle?

And what about a small air force to attack any rival lifeguards that might turn up...

How about this *HMS Sandown steams into the bay. It is a huge destroyer with a very large arsenal of weapons, all designed to destroy any rival lifeguards. On it is a Harrier Jumpjet, which is loaned out to RA + Saffire*

Okay, so HMS Sandown is only a Minesweeper in real life - but how many people have a Royal Naval ship named after their town that often spends time visible from your bedroom window?

HMS Sandown should do nicely

Now, how about our union then? I have a suggestion for the name: the Society to Outlaw Unauthorised Lifeguards (SOUL)?

SOUL ... im all for it! i hope bluebottle will agree.....
-saffire

Wait a moment.... my friend > < > is my personal lifeguard. It's an official lifeguard, I think. He's part of the union, don't worry.

*Show's > < > , happily wandering round his fishtank*

Who cares about that... We want SOUL... We want SOUL...

*takes up the chant*

WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL. WE WANT SOUL.

SOUL - SOUL - SOUL - SOUL - SOUL - SOUL
i suppose > < > can join us if he wants to... *continues in the chant*
we want soul. we want soul. we want soul. we want soul.
-saffire

Hello all - you all know me to be a fairly reasonable emplyer type, so if you want to form and join a union, all you have to do is ask. So from now on you have a Union - and I guess your cheif lifeguard can be Shop-Steward until you organise a vote to replace him if you want to.

will you be part of our union bluebottle?

Um... this is probably a silly question, but who is Shop-Steward?