h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Surely it's possible with all this wonderful technology (*gestures at the banks of flashing lights etc on the bridge of the Esirpretne*) to just wave a tricorder or somesuch in my general direction?

Just don't make with the rubber gloves, man. My super-advanced white blood cells don't take kindly to cavity invasion; they're under orders to repel boarders.

Anyway, hanging around in deep space isn't a good idea in a potentially hostile system, so let's make like a bowl of petunias and...

...Hey, is that the incoming distress call indicator flashing over there? *points at flashing light*

Excuse ME, but I'M the Ferengi-style comic relief and generally amusingly incompetent crewmember around here, dammit! *Quorn, of orangish disposition and with an extremely large and oddly sculpted nose storms off in rage, stops at the bridge door and turns* And its Refungi! *holds his earphone and stops momentarily to patch through a call from somebody's mother* Hmph. If anyone wants me I'll be in Ten-Forward mixing up a cocktail to give me telepathic abilities. *smiles evily* Thats right buddy, I'm the barman too. So if you want anything in the region of alcohol, in FACT, anything stronger than decaf, you're gonna have to stop stylishly pleading and start begging, MR. Seven... so there! :-p
*smiles a smile of vengeful satisfaction, turns and walks straight into a turbolift door* DAMMIT! AUTO-MATIC... AUTO....MATIC.... geddit? *turbolift door beeps a snigger and finally opens, Quorn dissappears into the liver of the ship* (generally rotting and full of alcohol)

D'oh! Double-booked again...

I don't suppose you need an assistant comic relief dude?

Or perhaps I could be the over-the-top-nerdy stereotypically-teenaged alien nephew/cousin/grandson/foundling of a crewmember, who has serious crises of confidence on a regular basis, ship-threateningly dangerous powers barely under control, and has to learn what it takes to be a 'man' (or equivalent) from the Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Janeway character (delete as applicable). And has a major (and painfully unrequited) crush on the shipboard totty.

Hmmm. I think that one's been done before too.

OK, maybe I could be in charge of shipboard plumbing. No, I'm serious. It's a neglected area of space travel, that is. I mean, when was the last time that Scotty had to unblock a toilet? Or Jordi fix someone's shower? Or R2D2 put up some new guttering for Jabba? They're neglecting a specialist area of knowledge, they are; it could easily come to pass that a major disaster might be averted by some judicious use of u-bends and monkey wrenches.

And no, I haven't escaped from the 'B' Ark, before you ask.

[YK] Well what ARE you doing in the Sunkist system?

[Nayden] We intercepted an emergency distress signal on an Imperial frequency here, so we went over to investigate.

[YK] And what have you figured out yet?

[Nayden] That we got attacked by those Korlier Flashships and that you are extremely irritating.

*Comes back onto the bridge after his nap. Stretches. Yawns. Sinks into the Weapon's Officer's chair.*

So, I take it we are on friendly terms with the Imperial force? That's good. Haven't had time to check out the new weaponry. We now have the latest Polka Guns from CLI and Fruitcake launchers, too. And there are some other goodies that will have to wait until they are needed.

*Scans his monitors and notices some of the debris from the recent battle floating in space.*

Perfect. An almost complete ship.

*GL pushes some buttons and centres a set of cross-hairs on the derelict ship. He pushes a big red button and a fruitcake is launched from the forward launcher. It misses by several metres. GL adjusts the sights and then lines them up on the ship again. He pushes the big red button. This fruitcake impacts the ship and makes a neat hole completely through it.*

Yah! Works like a charm. One of the hardest substances in the universe, you know. Baked a few centuries ago by one of my ancestors.

*still laughing at the mental image of R2D2 putting up guttering*

Right, Mr NexusSeven, you could be the ship's official ChildProdigy (TM), if you like... or perhaps you could be a specialised scientist type, that always seem to be on the bridge? Oooh, or a counselor, we don't have one of THOSE yet... besides, it looks like we could do with one... it seems YK's multiple personalities are annoying each other

By the way, if we're on friendly terms with these Imperials, then could someone hail them to see if they want help against these Sunkists?

Yay! A ships counsellor. Finally someone we can pile all our hangups on.

*Waves a tricorder at NexusSeven*

Ok, medical over, you're perfectly fine.

[Nayden] That was an Imperial ship, you know.

Right then, I believe my key duties as counselor are dressing in a ridiculously tight one-piece and being telepathetic... And yes, that *is* the word I was looking for.
Oh yeah, and listening to you lot ramble on about how your other halves have left you for a being with more muscles than a seafood restaurant, and you *are* dealing, in your own individual way...

*holds head, pained expression on face* (a bit like )

I sense that we need to get moving, captain. Before I reveal exactly who left those nasty stains on the carpet, and before the people we need to rescue in the stricken ship half a parsec from us run out of air. Or is it in-flight movies? No, sorry, I've lost the link. Sounds like people need our help, skip. What now?

*A flash of light bounces around the bridge and the crew members notice a strange female standing close to it's source. She is wearing tattered clothes (*not* red) and looks in a pretty bad state, like she's just come from a fight.*

Hello. *she says, swaying slightly*
Are you in need of a always-trying-to-prove-herself-and-so-permanently-volunteering-for-any-particularly-dangerous-missions,-but-strangely-hasn't-yet-been-killed character?

*Sways more, collapses onto the floor in a heap.*

>

[YK] I think we need that, yeah.

[The Star Destroyer goes and tries to help the damaged Imperial ship]

*staggers back in and hands his telepathetic cocktail to Nexus* Try this man, it'll knock ya out, really... and the thoughts man... see the thoughts...*grins inanely*

*wanders over to Insane* Sasaphrax! Are you okay there? I'm the Ferengi-style-comic-relief-and-generally-amusingly-incompetent-crewmember... its good to have you aboard *still grinning and looking at her with eyes that you shouldn't rightly see from a stranger* erm... yes, thats it... name's Quorn. I run the bar at ten-forward and am acting comms officer (and sometimes I mix up the two, and the captain gets mad, yadda yadda)... So, er.. where do you come from.. where are you headed, and the lights thing, how did you do that, it was beautiful, really... *generally herds her towards ten-forward, babbling meaninglessly, stops at the turbolift* Oh, and guys, I got this call from Donut Command a while back saying that the sunkist system is the home of a secret mutation project carried out by some higher-but-not-all-knowing race in order to create the ultimate soldier/stand-up comedian... just in case you wanted to know... *waves and walks off, smilling and babbling to Insane*

*drinks cocktail*

Whoa! *staggers* Man, did anyone get the number of that bus? Phew!
Hey... my telepathetic powers! They're being blocked by the pineapple juice! All I'm getting is 'error message 504... telepathetic link terminated...'

It makes my brain feel like a lump of fragrant mauve cheese. With holes in. Being chased by a particularly large mouse. *groans*

So, do you think that Donut Command want us to investigate this mutation thingy? Is this a storyline that will involve that mysterious algae? Are the two connected? Who am I talking to? How many questions can I ask in one posting? Why can't I stop talking?
-hrmmphmmph- *clamps hand over own mouth*


This cocktail has messed up my speech centre! Quick Doc, give me a LiverBoosta, before my brain burns out!

...

We may have to put his brain on ice....
It's the only way to keep our sanity.

*calms down and stops gibbering*

Perhaps it would be for the best if I didn't have another drink for a bit.

Hey, maybe I could use that drink as a weapon.

*Gazes off into space, lost in thought.*

[YK] Well, what are we going to do now?

*Sets course for the Galactic rim*
Gives us a reason for the Subject title being as it is... Let's go beyond the galaxy!

But beware of evil mutation at the Galactic Border....
Our eyes may go silver