h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YK] I have a bad feeling [cough] about this ...

[Link] Great! Sounds like fun! Pursued by Galactic Police, getting sucked into a wormhole, and now a lethal virus is spreading through the air! [collapses in a coughing fit]

Dammit... I can't count and i'm on the bridge of the flagship of the fleet
*The Esirpretne flys through the wormhole and gets buffeted a lot by the shockwaves*

*The Esirpretne blasts out of the other side of the wormhole, killing a lot of red shirted ensigns*
*Checkout reads a monitor*
Oh no! Fatal Exception error!
*Reads another monitor*
And we appear to be over 7 light years from our last location!
*Pauses for effect*
E: That's only about 4 days away...
Checkout: Well I told you I couldn't count...

*Runs round with a first aid kit and a Thermos flask of tea for all those minor injuries from the wormhole*

*Notices other people getting ill. Affy pulls out his tes tube, pours it into a syringe, and wanders around to everyone on the bridge, giving them vaccinations and medicine for the virus. Then, his foot kicks something. He looks down*

Oh, look at this! It's the virus! Stil unopened!

*Worried expression*

If the virus isn't loose, why is everyone getting sick?

And what happens if you give an incorrect antidote to a virus? Surely some side effects?
*Notices a few red shirted ensigns start to hemorage and mutate...*
I rest my case...

[YK is aiming a tricorter at Link and Nerfal, who are still coughing]

[YK] Hmmm ... it seems to be a different virus entirely! One that isn't supposed to be communicable with humans!

[YC] Well obviously, Link and Nerfal aren't human. Does that mean it's communicable with everyone else?

[YK] Er ... yeah.

[YC] But where'd they get it from?

Someone...anyone...put up a forcefield around anyone who's ill...just incase it stops whatever it is from spreading any further...

*Has been oblivious to the events taking place around him, since his full concentration has been on his monitors. Finally, GL looks up.*

Captain, I fear that worm hole was not a coincidence. I think I know where we are.



I believe we are in the Citrus System and are now approaching the planet .... SUNKIST!!!!!!

You don't think it's possible that they made that wormhole on purpose to bring us here so that...they..could........take..............the...........ship........................

GL..please tell me that those dots approaching us on the viewscreen aren't ships...that they're just a few specks of dust...

*blows the dust off the screen*
See, it -was- only dust... No need to worry... *frowns* But all of the dust didn't go away...

[YK uses some sort of antidote to cure Link and Nerfal]

[YC] If so, it's a bit strange, isn't it, that a couple of specks of dust look identical to Korlier Flashships.

[YK] Korlier Flashships? Those ships that don't have any serial numbers and therefore a favorite of people who don't want to be tracked?

[YC] Yeah.

[Link] Kinda the opposite of that Imperial Star Destroyer.

[YK] What Imperial Star Destroyer?

[Link] Oh, that one right behind the ship. Sorry, I thought you'd noticed.

*Switches windscreen wipers on, but the specks of "dust" don't disappear*

Looks like we might get a chance to try out some of the new weaponry. Better try to raise them on the communicator first, though. Where is the communications officer?

I haven't seen Joolsee around in ages....and I tried to leave a message..only he's probably not been on......

*sighs*

OK...so I guess we have to do this without a communications officer...which is going to make this incredibly difficult for us...

*leans forward & pushes a big green button*

This is Eomando, First Officer of the Starship Esirpretne..........

[Star Destroyer Captain] This is Captain Nayden of the Imperial Star Destroyer ...

[YK] [under his breath] No kidding.

[Star Destroyer Captain] ... Calamity. Please state why the Donut Federation has chosen to intrude on Imperial matters.

[YC] Those Korliers are still coming. Wanna head for the Bug?

[He, Nerfal, Link, and YK exit]

I thought the reason that the Doughnut Federation is intruding on Imperial matters was because we were bored and couldn't think of anything better to do at the time...

[Nayden] That hardly seems a good reason.

[The Korliers fly by the Star Destroyer, attacking it. The Millenium Bug starts attacking the Korliers.]

[And the Star Destroyer starts attacking the Millenium Bug.]

*Munches on popcorn looking towards what appears to be a vidiscreen*

This is a really good movie, lots of ships blowing each other up.

*Realises that it is a window*

Erk!

*quorn saunters onto the bridge* Hello my good fellow crew, and how have you all been? *regards the odd looks given to him by several crew members* Its me... *more looks*...Quorn...*they don't stop*...ten-forward, I give you all alcohol...*bridge crew nod and smile in acknowledgement*

yes... better...

Anyway, I'm not one to er... hang around when I'm not wanted but I've heard there may be a vacancy as com officer. I mean, I've only had 7 years experience as a communications engineer on a Refungi Starcruiser, so you'll excuse me for even applying for the post, and I'll return to my post as barman as soon as/when/if the usual officer returns...*more looks of disbelief from crew*... what?...I will...promise... cross my heart, hope to drink die of ragtagino poisoning!

*sighs and walks over to croz*

Hey, cool beans! What movie is it? Is it Day Of The Almighty Apocalyptic Killy Space Battle? That was a brilliant film. Had a strange ending though... all the ships involved in the battle suddenly turn on the viewers and start blowing them to shreds... Oh, sorry, i can see its getting to that part... *ship shudders* wow.. I can see you've the the O-So-Real-Vibromatic-X-Perience-A-Matic on... that really does put you in the action, doesn't it? *smiles inanely, ship shudders again*...Croz, have you been messing around with it again, it feels way too real...*grins, stares out of the window* thats odd... i never knew YK and YC were in that movie... *shrugs*...oh well, learn something new every day, I suppose... *trudges to the com-desk, puts on the weird sparkly headphones and listens to Queen's Greatest Hits*