h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

D'oh.

Doe - a dear, a female dear.

...

*Drags the credit card more slowly so that the Captain can catch up.*

...

*becomes worried that our proximity to the galactic rim, and the sheer mind-warpingly large volumes of interstellar duty-free alcohol, are having a dangerous effect on the already-fragile fabric of reality*

*wonders why IE gave him the 'I'm dissapproving of your sobriety' look. Shrugs and follows with the orange juice*

Listen. We're in a universe comprising of the parodies of three, maybe more, works of science fiction. All the star systems we come across are suspiciously food related. We have destinct problems following our own mindnumbingly twisted storylines and I have a collossal headache from unsuccessfully trying to chat up a fictional character. If something's going to bend the fabric of reality, nows a good a time as any and I'm not gonna miss it.

AND IT BETTER BE GOOD....

*Several rock-buns are conversing behind the counter. In the background, through the door to the back room can be seen the real salespeople tied and gagged.*


Rock-bun1: We are in control of the store. The Esirpretne is orbitting now. We expect a party from the ship soon.

Rock-bun2: Good, good. Prepare our reception. Soon we will have hostages.

*frowns as telepathetic powers kick in*

Strange... I feel a presence I haven't felt since...

since...

Tea-time.

Hunger strikes......

My stomach - the final frontier.

This is the voyage to the restaurant & bar

*catches up with GL & the credit card*

You know..if this was the Captain's card & not just mine...we'd be able t buy a whole lot more...but..frankly...i doubt they'd have that much in the duty free..

and..of course...we want lots of snack foods.... I'm hungry now..

[Cut to the bridge of the Calamity. Lieutenant Robert McFerrin is at a sensor station, supplying his own sound effects]

[McFerrin] Beeweeweeweewee .... Beeweeweeweewee .... Beeweeweeweewee .... Beeweeweeweewee .... [Static appears on the radar screen] BeeweeweeweeweefffffffffffffffBeeweeweeweeweefffffffffffffffBvvvvvvvvvvvfffffffffff[Static takes over the screenmakes] tfffftfffftffffftffffftfffffftfffffftffffffftfffffftffffffftffffftffffftfffffftfffffftff [the screen abruptly goes blank and McFerrin goes silent. He picks up a communications device, connected by a cord to the sensor station]

[McFerrin] [into comminicator; silly, distorted sounding voice] Captain, I require your presence immediately.

[Nayden walks over]

[Nayden] What is it?

[McFerrin starts to respond unintelligibly, still into the communicator and with the silly voice]

[Nayden] You can put that away now, I'm right here.

[McFerrin puts the communicator away and starts to reply, unintelligibly and with the same silly voice. Nayden rips the communicator off the panel and throws it away.]

[McFerrin] [normal voice] We've lost the beeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.

[Nayden] The what?

[McFerrin] The beeps, the sweeps, and the creeps. You know. The beeps: Beeweeweeweewee .... Beeweeweeweewee .... The sweeps: fftfftfftfftfftfftfftfft. And the creeps: Bip bip bip BRRRRRRRRRip!

[Nayden] That's not all you've lost. Wait: it looks like we're being jammed!

[Jam is dripping from the screen. Nayden pokes at it and tastes it]

[Nayden] Strawberries .... [to another lieutenant] Scan the sensors.

[Other Lieutenant] I get ... this logo.

[On the other lieutenant's screen is a logo showing a slug without eyestalks saying "AH" in a speech baloon]

[Nayden] Uh-oh.

[Someone across the room] Sir, several starfighters have come out of hyperspace, in an attack configuration! Their signals are that of ... Atilla the Hutt!

[And now, back to the Esirpretne]

*falls over* Oh dear... The headaches... getting worse... this only happens in times of severely bad parodying somewhere in the universe... This one's pretty close...

I think I need a drink...

[HP}=~~(Quorn)

[YC] I sense a disturbance in the Schwartz...

[YK] Dis is nutsen.

[Link] Are you going to say something intelligible?

[Nerfal] No.

*The duty-free purchasing away team are transported to the shop, Credit card and all*

GL: Yuck! What's that horrible stale smell?

N7 (drawing a quadcorder [hey, it's the latest model - one better than the original] from his belt): The atmosphere is showing massive concentrations of ageing flour and dried fruit pieces... Wait, you don't think--

*The rock-buns spring from their hiding-places, brandishing wicked-looking weapons at the duty-free party*


Rock-bun1: Surrender, Donut fools! Or feel the awesome power of our Raisin Cannons!

N7: Crumbs! *collapses with laughter*


Rock-bun1: Why are you laughing? Be quiet, fools! I am none other than PK-421, the supreme-- hey, you're *still* laughing! What's so funny, eh?


*hapless crewmembers are paralysed with mirth at a talking bread product threatening them with raisins*


Rock-bun1: Right, then. You've asked for it. Corporal, fire... the RAISIN CANNON!

[YK, YC, and Link choose that moment to materialize.]

[YK] You take that one! I'll take that one!

[YK and YC use their lightsabers to deflect the blasts from the raisin cannon back at the Rock-Buns, knocking them over. The Rock-Buns quickly get up]

[YC] Uh-oh.

[He points his lightsaber directly at the raisin cannon and twists the handle. The yellow blade turns a deeper shade of blue than that of YK's lightsaber. It also doubles in length, smashing the raisin cannon]

*Between laughter*

That showed them! Couldn't take the current!
That should stop them raisin' all hell!

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