h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*walks on to the bridge and over to a communications console, and tries not to draw attention to himself*

*grimaces in pain as Red-shirted Extra accidentally dislodges him from his hiding-place, where he has spent the last two days trying to avoid attention and get a sharp uniform to put over the soggy black cycling shorts that are his only clothing*

Ouch! Oh, er, don't mind me. I've just been, y'know, umm, chilling out back here. It's really rather comfortable behind these consoles.

*attempts to fade into background*

[YC is piloting, Link is at the lower quad lasers, Nerfal is at the upper quad lasers, and YK is getting in the way]

[YK] Wait a minute! I'm not needed here!

[Cut to him in the cockpit of an XJ-class X-wing. His trusty droid, R2-B4, is beeping]

[YK] So what do the odds look like?

[R2-B4 trills cheerfully]

[YK] That bad, huh?

[The four sets of ships realize simultaneously who is actually attacking them. The Korliers start shooting at the Millenium Bug and the X-wing, the Millenium Bug and the X-Wing start firing at the Star Destroyer, and the Star Destroyer blasts the Korliers out of the sky]

[YC] There. That's got rid of them.

Is this the right moment then for our new communications officer to broadcast "Another One Bites The Dust" then...?

[Nayden] Stop it!

[The Millenium Bug and the X-wing stop it]

[YK] Sorry!

[YC] We didn't mean it!

[Nayden] You /didn't mean/ to /fire/ on us??

[YK] Er, yeah. You were shooting at us.

[Nayden] Oh. That's all right then.

[Several turbolasers start blasting at the X-wing and the Millenium Bug, both of which evade the firestorm with really good piloting skills.]

*oblivious to everything going on around him*

Waitaminute!! This doesn't look like the Offworld shuttle I was supposed to hijack! D'oh!

*slaps forehead, then notices situation on viewscreen*

Hey, those look like really pointy ships, man. Wow! This is better than watching Arcturan Death Opera!

[After a bit more bantering ...]

[Nayden] So, what brings the Esirpretne-Z to the planet Sunkist?

[YK] A wormhole.

[Interior: Star Destroyer: Bridge]

[Olive-gray-shirted extra 1] Sir, there is a space-time distortion in vector 132 mark 329. It could be a wormhole, sir.

[Nayden] Right. [into comm] We seem to have located the wormhole in the following area. [to comm officer] Send the coordinates.

[Comm officer] Yes, sir.

[YC, over comm] Wait a minute! It wasn't over there!

*Checkout detaches himself from his En-suite bathroom duties and slides into the comm station*
Hailing Sunkist Wessel, come in wessel...
*Sounds of laughter echo back*
Ummm, perhaps a russian comms officer is not the best of things... but vhat the hey!
Continuing to hail the Sunkist wessel, E, but all I can get is Classic FM... So, not a total loss

[YK] Er, checkout, I think that the Sunkist "wessels" are currently expanding clouds of debris.

[Nayden] And this is an Imperial Star Destroyer.

*Quorn removes his headphones, currently playing 'Princes of the Universe'* errr... hey, aren't I the comm oficer!? Plus I can tell a sunkist wessle...vessle from an imperial star destroyer...ahem...*puts on his best BBC accent*... Imperial Star Destroyer, this is the Esirpretne-Z of the Donut Federation... good day and well met, sirs... tally ho, pip pip, what...*hearty laugh*...ahem...anyway... we'd just like to know the general state of play in the empire. so to speak... how are you all?... and... er... can we do anything to help?

*regards the man in soggy black cycling shorts hiding under a com desk with disdain* can someone get that guy a change of clothes and some soup and send him on his merry way... the donut fed does not condone begging...or cycling in the rain...

Hey, I demand the Universal Rights of the Stowaway here! That means bread with the soup, man. Anyway, I'm not hiding, I'm... er... keeping my spot warm.

*takes towel and change of clothes offered to him*

Thanks. *wanders into empty Ready Room and swiftly changes*
Right, then. Who's in charge here? And more to the point, could they do with another crewmember? (Will work for peanuts)

And this ain't begging; it's pleading with style.

You'll have to replicate your own peanuts, but you can havre some tea if you like.

Oh, and once you've got a position, make your way down to sickbay for a routine medical

Well, is there a niche for a Ferengi-style comic relief and generally amusingly incompetent crewmember? After all, every ship should have one; oh, and they're usually contracted to have a Poignant Moment [ ] (TM) every other episode in marked contrast to their usual slapstick antics.

Not looking forwards to the medical though. I mean, it's not like I've got Sirian Explosive ThroatBloat syndrome or anything.

Well, you may be lucky and have Prop No. 1. in the same scene as you.
Prop No. 1 is some form of algae that is going to cure something...

I dunno; I mean - upstaged by ALGAE?? I'd never be able to show my face again, let alone interact in strange and meaningful ways with the more curious denizens of the multiverse.

*Adopts expression of stoic determination* [a bit like but frowning]

Still, I'd do anything to be on TV... no, wait, I mean the Esirpretne... Fire away, Doc- point the way to the Infirmary...

[Nayden] Now, this is getting silly.

[YK] So what? It's supposed to.

[Nayden] Shut up!

[YK] No.

[Nayden] Well, the we are in the Sunkist system be [interrupted]

[YC] We sort of figured out you were here.

[Caption: "And more of the same"]

Right, Hello there NexusSeven, I'm the Captain around here. Not that that means I'm in charge, but it does give me a slightly better claim on it than many others. Welcome aboard!

And as a postscript, does anyone actually have a clue what's going on? Are we under attack or what?

Is it time for my Poignant Moment? Or should we just hire some passing aliens to have a punch-up with?

Or is that against the Alien Union's guidelines?

Beats me.

Are you ready for that medical yet?

[Nayden] What happened was, that squadron of Korlier Flashships attacked my ship and were defeated.

[YK] [to Nayden] And now I'm doing my best to drive you insane.