h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This isn't a warship, this is a one-man starfighter! Check your size readings. Anyway, I think that the Terrible Somethings are around here. Unfortunately, none of my ships' weapons work against them. Fortunately, I know how to change the Esirpretne's systems to work against them.

[surprised-that-they-know-our-frequency pause]

Oh, and the serial number is PSF-00047.

*This ship is just in the atmosphere of Ebola IV, so Affy decides to zip over there and kill two birds with one stone*

Are you refering to the Snowzars? Or Sleetzars? Or one of Crater Labs, Inc.'s many other wonderful weapons?

Somebody get a tractor beam lock on that starfighter and bring it inside out of harm's way. And then we can get over to Ebola VI (that's VI, fact fans) and pick up this scientist dude. Or dudette.

Keep an eye out for Horrible Something ships. They might be cloaked or hooded or wearing puffa jackets or anything.

*Half the crew scream in agony from the thought of the Horrible Somethings wearing puffa jackets, its just far too cliché to cope with*

*E turns the volume down on the com system so she doesn't get _too_ much of a headache...*

There's only one thing to do - get a giant mirror and let them all know how rediculous they look.

[walks onto the bridge] Actually, that is part of my plan. But first, let's pick up that scientist.

[The crew is now aware that this person is dressed in a brown, hooded robe (with the hood pulled back revealing dark brown hair and hazel eyes), under which is a tan tunic and blue jeans, at the belt of which is a lightsaber]

Checkout suddenly swivels out of his chair. He has a determined look on his face, after an expulsion of wind he moves his hand towards his belt, where a long cylindrical object is hanging (waits for sexual taunts to finish). He quikly pulls it out (please don't bother, we can all see it), Chekout tries to ignight it, realising that its only a Courget and quikly sits down.

Turns to face the Jedi, lightsaber at the ready

*Realizes that he's still in the ridiculous "Mysterious Cloaked Figure" getup from the duel with the adventurer. Figuring to stay in character for a while, chants*

GASPAR!

*Changes into uniform, pulls out his light sabre and a snowzar set to two months*

BTW, why is everyone pulling weapons out? It's just a Jedi? Granted, they might be a tad out of place in a forum that's spoofing Star Trek, but I still don't see the need to instantly throw 'im into the bridge.

*Sets course for Ebola VI, seeing as no one else is*

*Quorn sighs*

Not another duel... please please... no more duels... and don't fight with those overgrown torch thingies, they give me a migraine.

right... Ebola VI... I have contacts in the rebel militia there. Is there still a war on VI... there was before... Something about the rights to merchandise on the planet's greatest film.... its all greek to me....

...and last time I checked, the HS's were wearing Parka's, not Puffa's... a whole different area of thermalextradynamics there.... bet you didn't know that...

Uhm... okay, so, Jedi dude, what's your name? And everyone else, put your lightsabers away, even you, Tatty, dark lord or not, this man is a guest here.

Cool jeans, by the way.

Right, if the course for Ebola VI is set, then engage, Mr Bluebottle. We might have to make contact with these militia people if we can't immediately find this scientist...

*Starts to put away his Mark II Acid Sleetzar, but notices that the handle is still duct-taped together. Decides that now might be a good time to install a new handle, since the Esirpretne isn't under attack. Leaves the bridge and heads down to the weapons lab. Has a few bright ideas about additions to the handle and begins to sketch some drawings.*

Okay - course laid in, and ENGAGED!!!!
*The screensaver goes at twelve-thousand times it's normal speed for a spilt second, and the ship arrives in the right place.*
No enemy ships about.

Apart from that humungous ship, which can only be described as a Rubix cube! A voice can be heard eminating from the ship over the com.
"Resistance is not preffered!We will add your illogical and meteorogical distinctiveness to our own...and as we said before, resistance is something we don't like much....

If they don't like Resistance, than perhaps we can enroll them in an electricity class? They'd be terrorisied by learning the resistance of wires etc and leave us.

I am known as YK.

Now, here's what we should do. [sits at a control panel and types at the speed of sound for 3.47 seconds] Computer, save to new file: BØGA-FRAAN.

All right. Now, all you need to do is activate the Snozars set to the Esirpretne's registry number and we should see the cube disintigrate.

At least if the Snozars are aimed at the cube.

Thenkyou, VyK... If you'll please follow me, i'll get you settled in... Ve have perfect confidence with whoever's at the helm, and they'll do what you've suggested they do...
*Checkout escorts YK off the bridge to sickbay, just for a medical and to tool him up..*
Ok, VyK, this is the standard Doughnut Federation Doughnut communicator, use it to contact anybody on the ship and to order doughnuts...
*Pins the communicator on YK's robe*
*It accidentally pricks YK, causing him to activate his saber and lop Checkout's arm off*
Oh, that is going to hurt tommorow...
*With his other arm, checkout hands YK a snowzar*
That, YK is a snowzar, it maybe random and clumsy, but it does 50 to the gallon, has Fasttext, Sky digital, and you can even use it to freeze people with....
Umm, Dr. Croz, could you help me vith my arm please?