h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Furiously searchers his Bartenders Toolbelt (another fine product from Crater Labs Inc.!!) for cocktail umbrella*

Right.... Ice Crusher.. no...glacier cherries...no...lemon slicer...

*FWIPSHIPONGWYNANANANANAAAAAAAA - a sound made by a bolt thrown by a Zorkian Wizard in a Star Trek dimenstion*

Hey! Buddy! Keep it down, will ya, I'm tryin to think here....

Yasmar: No mercy! No mercy, puny mortal !! NYAHAHAHAA! *throws another fizzing orange mass at Quorn, who evades with the skill of an Old West Saloon Shark*

Okay... at least stop the maniacal laughter then...

Yasmar: *rubs chin* Yeah, actually, my jaw is beginning to hurt...*fizzbolt*

Thankyou.... right, where was I... Juicer... no...

*Afgncaap5 runs into Ten-Forward*

NO! DON'T STICK THAT UP HIS NOSE! IT WON'T WORK! Trust me, being Zorkian, I should know. I think I know all of the things leading to an adventurer's utter demise, and this is one: challenge.

*Said to Yasmar . . .*

YASMAR!!! I challenge you to a duel!

*Black smoke. Out steps Affy, dressed in a black robe and hood, carrying a similar glowing sword, spell book, and staff*

Ha! You claim to have beaten all twelve Zork games? How about this: I've beaten all THIRTEEN Zork games, played and beaten all of the Fan Made Zork games, I've read most of the books and fan fiction!

I've fought monsters, duelled theives, learned spells, saved cities, counties, countries, worlds, and universes, I banished magic from Zork, brought it back within a century's time, witnessed the death of Lord Dimwit Flathead the Excessive, brought Duncanthrax to life from a stone statue, solved all the problems given to me by wizard Megaboz, the first DM of Zork, and Dalboz, thus earning the rank of Dungeon Master three times over, I battled Krill, I starved the daemon Jeearr, and earned a position as head of the Circle Of Enchanters!

Yasmar, meet your match. For I am the Zorkologist!


Bridge, seal off Ten-Forward. I'm about to face an adventurer who's nearly as egotistical about Zork as I am. This won't be pretty . . .


Yasmar, pick your weapon-magic, or physical combat?

Seal off Ten-Forward, Mr BluesSlider, but hang back in case Mr Afgncaap5 needs help later.

Mr Garius Lupus, make the necessary modifications to the snowzars. I don't want to get underway until Mr Checkout has fixed the hull breach.

Dr Croz, could you take care of Mr Demon Drawer for us? I think he might be suffering vacuum-of-space-induced-frostbite in very tender place.

We need to hurry this along, folks. The Horrible Somethings are headed for Earth and we need to pick up this scientist dude. Scramble!

*looks faintly embarrassed*

Or whatever.

*Croz wheels DD into sickbay while Wendy prepares the necessary equipment (a large bandage and a hot cup of brownian motion inducer)*

OK, it looks like Mr. Checkouts finished what he's doing down there...and I think some red-shirted ensigns have kindly taken it upon themselves to perform the modifications on the snowzar...

Looks like we can go...

Fire the Snowzar & cover those invisible asteroids!

Mr. Bluebottle, I believe you can take us through & on our way to get that scientist now...

*Meanwhile, in Ten-Forward, frightened red suits and other nameless characters hide behind tables as Yasmar and Afgncaap5 keep muttering to each other about a peice of paper that looks like a legal document*

Okay, Yasmar, I think we've got it-three duels. The first will be with weapons and/or our hands and feet. The second will be trivial knowledge about Zork where we each get to ask the other five trivia questions about Zork. We do this by posting our answers to all of these at the same time. Third, a battle in magic, where we use spells and magical devices from the Zork universe to battle each other. If I win at least two out of three, you have to leave the ship and go wherever I want you to go, and you can't come back. If you win two out of three, I'll . . .

*Thinks about the other known motivations for an adventurer*

give you a treasure map! Yes, I know of an underground fortress, filled with treasure. A starjewel, a glowing amulet, stock in some nitro glycerin company, a silver cross, lot's of treasure! Enough to retire on, anyway. Now, sign here if we agree.

*Both Yasmar and Affy sign*

Good! Now, before we begin the fighting, we must each select a Zorkish weapon. Would I be correct in assuming that you wish to use the Dwarven Sword of Zork (made by elves)?

*Motions to the sword that is glowing blue*

*Checkout, still on the outside of the ship is getting the chance to study the asteroids*
Um, E, these asteroids seem to be man made, the technology looks consistent with that of the Romanumerals...
Is there a possibility that the Kringles, Romanumerals and horrible somethings have formed a co-alition with each other???
*Dreads to think of the complications, and CGI costs for the battles*

[The invisible asteroids abruptly fade to visiblitiy. Each of them has a GalPosHol (Galactic Position Holder: capable of holding its position relative to the Galactic Core indefinitely) on one side, and they abruptly move about, forming a tunnel in the asteroid field much bigger than the Esirpretne. At the end of the tunnel is a humongous asteroid, hollowed out and built in. What is built in it? A base, with three types of design: one of the Kringles, one of the Romanumerals, and one of the Terrible Somethings.]

[The Esirpretne flies toward the base, followed by an unnoticed pink cat-like being...]

*quorn, in his manic search for a cocktail umbrella, throws a shaker into the emergency waste hatch*

*SHWEEP*

*The shaker flies through a mass of tubes within the Esirpretne...*

*WOOSH*

*Is compacted into a small metal cube bye the waste compactor*

*CRUNCH*

*Exits the Esirpretne through a very very small hole*

*plop*

*flies through space*

* *

*collides with asteroid*

*WISHBANGPTOIWEEEPWEEPFOOSHMDANGLLEEEEEE*

*asteroid field turns invisible again*

*Esirpretne crew stare at Quorn*

Ermmm.....errr....

*stares become harsh*

er.... sorry... my bad...*holds up cocktail umbrella* AHA!

*sticks cocktail umbrella up Yasmar's nose*

Yasmar: Arrrggh, scum, scum!! You have found my one true weakness.. nooo *Yasmar dissolves into geeky hacker*

Wait a minute, you're not Yasmar..

Yasmar: Yes I am, but my real name is Ramsay, I'm from Wisconsin.

Oh, OK.... er... can you still do magical powers..

Ramsay: oh, sure, just you ruined my cosmetics.. took me a whole year solid programming to make that

Sorry.... yeah, anyway, I know you're mid-duel and stuff, but could you help... see we've got this invisble asteroid field and... you were making stuff invisble..

Ramsay: yeah, but that was makin stuff invisible

Yeah, but don't you gots that reverse spell scroll thingy...

Ramsay: Oh yeah...! That just might work...

*Ramsay waves his hands and goes Weeshotangyippeee. No visible effects*

Erm... is it done...?

Ramsay: Oh yes... its worked...

*Ramsay waves his hands and does the funny double double-jointed thingy. A wave of light flows from his every move.*

*boing*

Ramsay: Done...

*Quorn runs to a window, all the asteroids are now purple*

YES!! It worked, it worked!!

*The cocktail umbrella drops from ramsay's nose, Yasmar rematerilizes around him*

Yasmar: HAHA, puny mortal, you did not think you could stop me for long, did you!! *crushes umbrella underfoot* I wish to change my prize. If I win the duel, I want the Esirpretne itself! NYAHHAAHHAHHAHAA

Geez, again with the maniacal laughter...

*Afgncaap5's rage is barely suppressed*

But we signed the contract and made. A. DEAL! I can't just enter the Esirpretne as your prize without consent from the captain. Look, I'll send the request to the bridge, but . . . If I do this, I get to change the order of combat- trivia, weapons, and *THEN* magic. While we wait on the captain, we can answer the trivia questions.


Bridge, Yasmar wants the Esirpretne if he wins. I'm beginning the first duel, but won't let him change the contract if you don't want. 'Course, if you don't want, it won't be a duel anymore. It'll be Yasmar Vs. Afgncaap5. Granted, I think I could take this sorry excuse for a grue's dinner, but we might harm a few of the innocents that are trapped in Ten-Forward. That's why I'm starting with the trivia duel.


Okay, Yasmar, here's my five questions. You answer them all, then, if you answered them correctly, you can ask me five. If I answer them all correctly, we'll each ask one Zork Trivia question per turn. Ready?

*Afgncaap5 clears his throat, and thinks hard for a few seconds*

1) What is the easiest way to win at Double Fanucci?
2) The Infinite Corridor first appeared in which game?
3) For what reason did the Grand Inquisitor origninally throw Dalboz of Gurth off FCD#3 about a century before Zork Grand Inquisitor began?
4) What are the real names of Bivotar and Juranda?
5) Where did Infocom come up with the name for the evil daemon Jeearr?

*Smiles as he watches Yasmar start to think about the questions. Hopefully, won't think to check the Encyclopedia Frobozzica before posting*

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Hi!
Do you ever wonder why people hang around threads which they think are "poor" and "unimaginative"?

Me neither. Having too much fun to bother.

Mr Bluebottle! It looks like that huge asteroid is launching a fleet of Romanumeral and Kringle ships... obviously the Horrible Something troops are being held in reserve...

Prepare to engage! And then prepare to scarper!

Looks like I'm back in the driving chair again...
Okay, I'll drive you into firing range in ten centons, but you have to do some pretty fancy firing to match my fancy flying. But we'll get through it okay, as long as no-one gambles with the ship...

*Is growing impatient as he 1) waits for the captain to grant permission for a change of contract with Yasmar, and 2) waits for Yasmar to answer his trivia questions*

Yasmar, ever bothered translating magic script in Beyond Zork? I did, and I understand the magic word that the Implementors threaten to use on you if you don't comply with them. Now, I don't use this generally as it's unfair to my opponents, but I'm tempted to. So tempted . . .

*Glares at Yasmar*

Do hurry. I'm the science officer, don't forget. I have duties to attend to if I survive the duel.

Would like to remind Captain AI Boy that he was referring to how the thread can't seem to grasp the simple aspect of humour at the moment..... Like the person in question it seems...

What's benn happening round here then while I've been away?

I have very little idea...

Hmm...I wonder when I get to use the holodeck...

*sits looking a little bored, twiddling thumbs...*

[a cat-shaped shadow briefly appears above Eomando's own, but its source quickly leaves]

*Everybody groans as they see whats coming...*

*looks up from the copy of the pamphlet "How to cope with being human - part 3" he's been reading - and promptly gets back to reading it again*



Humans, if left with nothing to do for two long, will develop acute cases of insanity or possibly even genius. This second anomily is, however, very rare. It is usual for them to start hallucinating strange creatures known as Pokemon, especially Mew. If this happens it is best to leave them to it.