h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Climbs out of a large bath of brownian motion inducer, now completely back to normal*
I thought that being submerged in a bath of brownian motion inducer would sort things out, it seems to cure everything else.
*Replicates a medical uniform for his new member of medical staff, Dr. Wendy*

*Wakes up, wishes he hadn't*
Pleeease tell me that those pokemon vere just a figment of my imagination....
*Stumbles into sickbay for some of that miracle cure, brownian motion inducer*
Ah, Croz, glad to see that you are back to normal, sorry about using you to do a crossword...
*Goes one step furthur than Croz and actually hands the replicated medical uniform to Dr. Wendy, so she doesn't have to spend the rest of the forum in the buff*

*Hands over a fresh cup of brownian motion inducer*
Unfortunately those pokemon were here.

I try to ignore all Pokemon - it seems to work fairly well....
....so tell me, what is Dr Wendy's medical outfit like? I hope it doesn't go against regulations and actually cover any part of her body? No woman is allowed to have any reasonable uniform - it's bad for morale and viewing figures.

Err Pokemon? Can you eat that?

BB, I think there is no problem with her outfit ...
I would say .... err ... well ... it's a part of the healing process ?!?!

*Leans back in his chair, puts hands behind head and puts feet up on weapons console. Accidentally fires the forward snowzar with his heel. The snowball hits something invisible and takes the shape of a medium-sized asteroid. Leaps to his feet, pointing at the forward scanners*

Captain, captain. I think we have entered a belt of invisible asteroids!

*Leans back in his chair, puts hands behind head and puts feet up on weapons console. Accidentally fires the forward snowzar with his heel. The snowball hits something invisible and takes the shape of a medium-sized asteroid. Leaps to his feet, pointing at the forward scanners*

Captain, captain. I think we have entered a belt of invisible asteroids!

How are ve meant to navigate through an invisible asteroid belt?
*The Esipretne smashes into an asteroid, causing a hull breach and sending loadsa red shirted crew members flying through the hole...*
I reccomend full stop!!!
*.*
ta..

*The chief engineer (of some....stature) is sucked down the corridoor towards the hull breach. He looks sure to be sucked into the bleakness of space when an almighty 'ffump' noise is heard. From the outside of the ship what can only be described as a size-able rear end poking out of a hole in the hull of the Esirpretne....*

*Quorn, who happens to be passing by the bridge to deliver the captain a fresh cup of Frappamechappamonseingorchino has, an idea*

Wait a minute... where's that adventurer....!!

OK, get a team down there to fix that hull breach!

Now...where did I put that book on what to do about invisible asteroid fields...

I'm a good driver, if there's some way to detect 'em I can drive around them, I just need a little bit of a chance...

Computer *bleepity bleep*, where is the adventurer?

Computer *heavy New York accent*: Dat description does not meet da set parameters, kay?

*frowns* Blue elven sword... casts useless spells...?

Computer: De Adventurer is in Main Engineering. You gotta problem wi'dat?

Hmmm.... OK....

*does a mad cap search of the Esirpretne. Enters Rotavele*

<!!HSEEWP> *Quorn turns around in surprise* What??

Rotavele: Destination your state please...

Huh?

Rotavele: Destination your state please..

Hmmmmmmm... *Looks at Rotavele door, turns sign right way round*

Elevator: Please state destination...

Better. Main Engineering.. *elevator whirrs*

*quorn sees a puny twenty-something guy holding a blue sword uselessly and laughing maniacally while casting spells*

Adventurer: Nyahahhaaaahhaaaha!!!! *sends a bolt flying at a control panel*

Erm.. excuse me... sir... yeah... can I speak to you for a second...

Adventurer: No, no you can't, I am Yasmar the Invincible!! I have conquered all twelve Zork games, and now I'm going to conquer your pathetic little universe, nyahahahahaha!!

Yeah.. Ok... Could you help me out, just for a sec...

Yasmar: NO, NO, bow down to me, mortal fool, or I shal smite ye where ye stand??

OOOOH, really? What're you gonna do, I suppose you're gonna untie a knot, how scary that would be...

Yasmar: Your insolence will be punished, yes it will...NYAAHAHHAAH!

Security to Main Engineering, we have a Class One Psycho Zorkian, repeat, Class One Psycho Zorkian....

*Scans Esirpretne's medical database for details on Zorkians*
Quorn, you can immobilise a Zorkian by sticking a cocktail umbrella up its nose. Do you have one of those handy?

Right, all stop, Mr Bluebottle. We need to find a way to show up these invisible asteroids.

*glances at panel*

And could someone rescue Mr Demon Drawer from the hole in the hull? he's got his butt stuck in it.

Mr BluesSlider, if you're still at this forum, could you send some security down to help subdue that Adventurer? Take a cocktail umbrella.

Right. Anyone got any suggestions as to what we do with these asteroids?

Captain, we managed to get the engines fixed in record time, dont know how long the squeezy bottle and sticky backed plastic will hold for.
Chief o'browntorusers out.

*Dons a spacesuit to seal up the hull from the outside in...*
DD, prepare for emergency beam out...
*DD dissolves in transported beam*
Keptin, this may take some time...
*Starts to seal up the hull*
I also reccomend making a diwersion to Deep Space NEIN!!! to restock our supply of red-shirted ensigns...

Surely we can't go to Deep Space Nein...i thought we were on an important mission to Ebola VI...and we'd still have to get through the invisible asteroids...

hmm...i wonder what'd happen if...erm...no...the ideas gone...

I have an idea. What if we modify the forward snowzars to spray snow instead of firing snowballs. Maybe the snow would stick to the invisible asteroids and BB could steer us between them. All it would need would be some ultra-strength plasteel mesh welded over the mouth of the snowzars. We must have some of that lying around in engineering ...

Oh, sure, there'll be loads of the stuff...that's a great idea!

Now...lets just hope BB's as good a driver as he says he is...

...I have every confidence in him of course...