h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

has he flipped?

I'd get him down to sick bay - or engineering...

No, that's definately an engineering problem since I wouldn't know where to start with an android.

I'm heading down to the surface. Since I've missed the shuttle and I can't be bothered transporting I'll put in some skydiving practice.

*Pulls on spacesuit and parachute and jumps out of the nearest airlock*

*Quorn glares at MaW...*

Us REFUNGI do not appreciate being ignored.... K!!

Bzzzch... require assistance... low power... bzzch... construction termination imminent... bsssch... quantum gravitational stabilizing system malfunctioning... repeat, require assistance... bzzzch...

Hmm.... very worrying....

Help! Help! aaaaAAAARGHWHOOOMPH...


*Escape pod is detected approaching at near terminal velocity, closely followed by an explosive anti-matter decompression wave...*

P5 strained at the high tensile steel restraints that locked him to the engineering bench,
"PLEASE CHIEF YOU MUST LET ME GET BACK TO THE BRIDGE!"
"And why would i want to do that? your obviously suffering some kind of breakdown in your positronic net, im gonna have to shut you down and take a look inside". The chief reached down for his tools.
Suddenly the lights shut down to be replaced by the dull throbbing of the emergency lights,
"Warning collision iminent, inpact with anti-matter deccompession wave in t-minus 30 seconds.....
"CHEIF YOU HAVE TO LET ME FREE, IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STEER US OUT OF THIS!!!"
"Ok 5 but one wrong move and im gonna have to shut you down understand?" He pressed a button on the table and the restraints retracted,
"you can take control of the helm through the emergancy bridge controls on my master console here".
The androids hands danced across the console. The ship began to groan as the structural integrety field struggled to hold the ship together as it banked away from the planet doughnut.
the engineer clung desperatly to a support pillar as the ship banked,
"5 SHES NOT GOING TO TAKE IT!!!!" He cried, while over the intercomm the perfectly calm voice of the main computer droned on,
"Warning structural collapse in t-minus 15 seconds, inpact with anti-matter decompression wave in t minus 17 seconds"........

Unfortunately Mew ends up calling the omnipitant being from some time back. Who subsequently in a fit of annoyance, removes Mews 'powers' for the time being. No doubt He or she will 'kill' me before I get the chance......

* continues to record video and take notes *

[into microCrew appear to be suffering from internal difficulties, causing them to neglect threats from without. I am hoping that they deal with this anti-matter wave before it hits the ship, as there may not be enough time for me to gather adequate data and escape with my life. Actually, that's not much of a choice. My life every time.

* becomes aware that disaster is getting quite imminent and nobody is doing anything about it. *

[to YK] YK, you're a Jedi. Instead of glaring at everyone elses' lightsabers, why don't you do something? I guess I'll have to do it all myself.

*closes eyes and waves hand vaguely in the air. The ship rocks and buffets, but the antimatter wave passes it by.*

Now that was very sloppy. I'm not normally that sloppy... Ah. Someone else saved the ship.

[angered] Who was it? Own up! I'll not have people stealing my dramatic rescues from under my feet!

"What happend 5?" gasped chief.
"I REALISED WE COULDNT GENERATE ENOUGH POWER TO GET AWAY, SO I RECONFIGURED THE SHEILDS, OR WHAT WAS LEFT OF THEM INSTEAD OF ABSOROBING THE ENERGY WAVE THE SHEILDS CONDUCTED THE WAVE INSTEAD"
"Well that was quick thinking 5"
"THANKS CHIEF" the pair moved togher and emrbraced,
"Why 5, why couldnt you have stayed with me?"
"THERE THERE CHIEF, YOU KNOW WE COULDNT HAVE MADE IT WORK, YOUR WORK COMMITMENTS, MY OIL BATHS, PLUS THE FACT THAT IM A 6 AND A HALF FOOT TALL PSYCOTIC ANDRIOD KILLING MACHINE!!!!!! CRUSH KILL DESTROY!!!"
"5! no dont do it! you loved me once! you must remember!"
the andriod reached to the tool box,
"YES CHIEF I REMEMBER, I REMEBER HOW YOU NEVER HAD TIME FOR ME, AND HOW NOT 2 MINUTES AGO YOU WERE GOING TO SHUT MME DOWN AND OPEN MY HEAD! NO CHEIF YOUVE HAD THIS COMING FOR A LONG TIME!"
The furious andriod picked up a wrench and swung at the chief, narrowly missing his head,
"AND NOW YOU DIE!!!!!!!!"

*Teleports in at what appears to be a nick of time, noticing that the psychotic android killing machine is about to insert a large tool box up the transporter chiefs nose*

Croz: Oi, robot. That isn't very nice is it.

5: Shut up doctor or you'll be next.

Croz: There's just one thing you're forgetting

5: I'm a psychotic android killing machine. I am perfect. I am incapable of forgetting anything.

Croz: Yes, but I'm the one holding your remote control

5: Noooooooooooo.

*presses off button, brings 5 to a halt*

Right, lets get him on that worktop there, I'm going to reset the jumpers on his EmoCPU from "raving nutter" back to "nice"

Can I borrow his remote's batteries for my walkman?

* vanishes into the rippling air again to find somewhere where people are more appreciative of his attempts to save his life. *

The chief couldnt help the tears that rolled down his cheeks as he replaced the androids access panel and bolted it into place on its skull.
"Its ok 5 everything should be alright now, i hope you can forgive me." He flicked the switch behind 5s ear and the androids eyes lit up,
"CHIEF? WHERE AM I? WHAT HAPPEND?"
"its ok 5 you , erm were caught in the blast from an exploding power transfer conduit. Your essential systems shut down, i had to open you up and replace some fuses,thats all."He steped back as the android sat up and flexed his arms.
"you should report to the bridge 5, we've sufferd catostrophic failure across most of the major systems. Theyre going to need all the help the can get up there."
"YES CHIEF I REMEMBER NOW, THE ANTI-MATTER DECOMPRESSION WAVE FROM DOUGHNUT, DID WE MANAGE TO RESCUE ANY OF THE SURVIVORS?" The robot began to walk yo the lift.
"Yes we did 5 theyre in sick bay, theyre all fine........" He was cut off by a voice screaming over the emercancy com channel
"Secuity to main sickbay!!!! security to sickbay!!! something has just burst from one of the survivors fro.......ARGGGGHHHHHHH........."
Then there was nothing.
"CHIEF THE BRIDGE WILL HAVE TO WAIT, IM GOING TO MAIN SICKBAY!"
The android ran to the lift stopping only to pick up a length of pipe from the floor. The chief ran after him,
"5 wait for me you cant go alone!"...............

:: A Pikachu appears on the bridge::

Awright, youse guys! Hands up!

::pulls out 2 mega sleetzar bazookas and a ::

Calling MaW

HELP HELP HELP

we will be truely appreciative now if you return to save our lives.
BEGGGGGGG BEG

Besides, if you dont then when you go away to university next year then your newly painted blood
red bedroom will be undefended. And I live two rooms down the hall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suggest you return RIGHT NOW and resume your rightful place as saviour of the Universe????

How do you feel about.......apple white??????

TEE HEE HEE

FABT

*One of the survivors, Krans Hopeson, opens his eyes and looks up at the ceiling of the sick bay. He notices the mangled body parts and blood splattered all over the walls, and is violently sick. Once he is upright again, he walks over to the wall and operates the controls for the blast doors, sealing himself in.*

"Shit, how did I get into this mess?" he muses. "I hadn't realized the zarkenrippers had managed to infect us this thoroughly... But I'm sure I'm not a carrier... I'd be dead by now if I was"

*He accesses the computer console, rapidly hacks into the CCTV monitoring for the ship, locates the remaining zarkenrippers, seals them into confined spaces using the blast door system, and turns on the destructor cannons in those sections. He then opens all the blast doors, and walks out.*

Sorry guys, I didn't mean to bring the zarkenrippers with me. I hope I;ve sorted that one out...

*incoming transmission from Ebola VI*



Everythng OK up there guys? Only we'd all like to come back up now & get on the way to Earth...

*The Crater Labs, Inc. Mini-UFO steers itself into the docking bay. Affy steps out, smiling, sniffs the air, and frowns*

Wait. There's been a pan-dimensional being on this ship. Not Pan, U, Q, or even one of those psychic pokemon. I know what they smell like. This . . . this isn't as powerful as U or Pan, but much more powerful than Mew or Mewtwo. Not as powerful as that guy who was sitting on the hull of our ship, either. This smells familiar, though . . .

*Wanders to the bridge, where everything is in shambles*

Okay, I go to a planet for a few hours, and what happens by the time I get back?

I know the feeling. Well, at least I left the steering-lock on.