h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*looks at feet. Gags. Looks swiftly up again*

arg



tell me why does a delivery man need or how can he afford such nice body armor?

No, no. Not body armour. I haven't washed since 1947. that is all.

Well, you see, I'm here because I want to learn more about being evil so that I can get a position on a Vogon Construction Fleet, and...



...well, it's just that,...NOW!

*Affy rips off his Vogon mask, and pulls out his brightly glowing sword and already armed snowzar in the same fluid motion. With the propulsion from his moving arms, he zooms over the heads of several not-too-surprised looking STUMPED members, and rushing towards the machine (the timer of which is currently at 190). Affy reaches out for the Big Red Button on it, but suddenly feels as if he is being pulled backwords. Twenty feet later, The pulling sensation stops, and KL jumps in front of Affy as Minos retracts his toungue*

KL-You don't think it'll be that easy, do you pizza boy?

*Affy pulls out his sword as does KL*

Affy-You've got no idea how long I've wanted to do this.

Minos Krylma-And the same to you. Of course, you're technically on my property. All violaters will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and...

Affy-Oh, just shut up.

*Affy swings his sword (glowing a brilliant blue), as KL swings his sword (glowing a violent red). As the swords collide in a maelstrom of light, KL motions to his minions*

KL-Leave Affy to me. You handle the other courier cretins!

*notices KL's and Youwuzupman's weapons drawn*

ahHA! finally, some action!

*NYC picks up his vintage M60, and takes aim; the deliverymen get very nervous*

*As yowuzup man peers sceptically at Mr Goriff, the old Indian man pulls his own face off. A mask! Beneath it, Uncle Heavy smiles. He draws his trusty old sliver six-shooter and shoots the colt out of Yowasiashdman's hand, before ripping the fretid indian costume off. Pausing only to brush down his tux, he makes a dash for the huge machine, whose number is now 175.*

So Uncle Heavy, how un super-heroic of you to change your name!

Lets see how you like this……..

*Amy (for it is she!) takes off the pizza delivery uniform to reveal...

... standard battle dress, what else?*

*edges round the back of NYC and tickles the back of his knees before throwing herself under a heap of pizza boxes*

[I did change my name. Fo']

*Time retains the consistency of treacle, as UH goes for the button. The slow-motion rapid fire of Yseosdkgoggman's hand cannon is tracking his motion, and there are a good five metres bfore himand the big red button. He leaps, hand outstretched---*

a missle remotely launched from the vette careens at heavy and hits at an unimaginably high speed carrying him back to the wall at wich he hits and slumps to the floor

CLANG!

CRASH!

*The sword duel continues, neither combatant apparaently able to outmaneuver the other one. KL grins*

KL-Give up now, young one. I've had centuries more experience than you have.

Affy-Yeah, it took you centuries and your only almost as good as I am. Doesn't say much about your learning skills, does it?

KL-Do you think it's easy to fight like a human with reptillian/amphibian DNA? You're just lucky that I'm not using my teeth and claws.

Affy-It's not like it'd help.

KL-Believe me, you would not survive.

*Affy slams his sword into KL's, and a brief sword meet ensues. Affy leans forward, and the blue glow of his sword begins to seep over that of KL's sword*

Affy-See, KL? My sword is 'infecting' yours.

KL-That's a cheap trick, Afgncaap5. And an easily reproduceable one.

*KL leans forward, and the red begins seeping into Affy's sword, and almost gets to the part of the hilt where Affy is holding the sword. But then Affy manages to push back, and the sword gets all the way to KL's hands. A small explosion of energy pushes KL twenty feet away , allowing Affy to run to the machine (timer is at 150). But right before he gets there, KL jumps and lands right in front of Affy, sword in hand*

KL-Perhaps you would like to see me use my tounge. It can crush your spine, you know. Care for a demonstration?

[there is a shock]

*UH picks himself up and dives behind a computer bank. He draws a pair of Uzis from within his tux, breaths in and launches himself out of cover, firing at the assembled villains. Smoking cartriges clatter to the floor in clouds, before UH lands and rolls behind another computer bank. He is still no close to the big red button, which reads 140.

*Amy reaches out for two bottles of diet coke* throws one at the Red Button and one at KL's tongue.

*Affy swings his sword at KL, but KL shoots Affy's sword with a snowzar blast. Affy, instinctively, drops the sword before the ice can reach his hand, and aims his own snowzar. The two shoot at each other at the exact same time on full power, and so the blast creates a wall of ice, making KL the only one right next to the machine. KL and Affy both look at the timer. 135. KL grins, and makes a show of leisurly waiting for the timer to run out*

*Wow! A triple symlpost!*

*The can that was aimed for the button is inside the ice wall, but KL snatches it with his toungue. KL smiles, opens the soda, and drinks. 120*

*KABLANGEDY-BOMMBEDY-SMASH-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aaaaaaahhh-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!*

Comes a strange and inordinately familiar warcry. A huge dent appears in the cieling of the hangar.

*WIGGLY-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH'LLL KINGLY-KABLAAMMMMAAOOOOMAN ANOTOMENSHUNAHWHIPYO'ASSES!!!WOOGLYSMOOSH!!*

comes another, and with a head-crumping KIINGGBLLOOMM the dent explodes in a raining shower of debris and metal!!!!

*FFRREEEEYYYAAAAAA!!!!!*

A DEVASTATINGLY FAST SHAPE ZOOMS TOWARDS THE FLOOR!!!*YAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!*

That's right, fans! It's everyone's favourite freem-coated superheroe.......DEATH AVOCADO!!! BACK FROM THE DEAD!! RESURRECTED!! MOST DEFINITELY BACK!! YES, HE IS INDEED BACK!!!

*Amy has no idea where the can came from but the BOTTLE she threw hits KL on the side of the head*

If it doesn't kill you at least it might knock some reading ability into your head.

And he didnt even bother to disguise himself...
[I just accidentally sent this URL to one of those porn junk mailers from ICQ while trying to delete the message. I wonder what they'll make of it.]

Whose side is this avocado on?