h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A huge hangar with unbelievably many spaceships in it. People running around and looking like as if they were doing something useful. Irving welcoming smiling every possible new customer.*

O.k. I'm on the verge of renting one of your ships Irving show me how good a salesman you are by convincing me about exactly how safe, reliable, fast and fun your "products" are. I have my galactic bank cheque book in my pocket and all I need to do is sign on the dotted line after quite a bit of convincing mind you


MCB

Well, normally I'd say our products speak for themselves, and I'd offer you a test drive. I mean, come on, how many rental agencies you know actually offer test drives before you take a ship out? You come into a new star system and you go to the Budget Rent-a-Wing and they give you whatever they feel like giving you, right? But here, you choose the color and the shape, the make and the modle, and you test drive it first to see if you like the way it handles. You get to dock the fine vehicle right here at the station -- I mean, how many Hertz offices offer docking rentals, too?

You, however, seem like you want a bit more convincing than a standard test drive would be able to give you, am I reading you correctly? Well, then, why don't I get in the ship *with* you, and you and I take it for a spin around the station, and I'll show you how it handles in sub-light speeds? I could point out special features, show you exactly what this baby can handle, and just what you're getting for your minimum (I mean, I'm barely making a profit here!) payment. Does that sound fair? Just pick out whatever ship you like the looks of...

~Irving

well Irving this is what I want. A big comfortable and fast ship in moondust blue that will get you from The space station here to say the other side of the galaxy without going through any major space phenomenon in at least a day (if not faster). An ultraminidisc changer would be nice aswell but if that can't be supplied I understand. So what model do you think I'm best to go for here?

MCB

Okay, so you want a well made hyperdrive ship in a sort of luxury mini-van style? Am I getting this right? I think I've got just the thing, it's a newish modle but our mechanics have gone over it and reconfigured it's autopilot to adjust for major space anomolies, black holes, stars, asteroid fields and whatnot. It's called the Year Before the Millenium Falcon. What do you think? Want a test drive?

Well I'm back for a bit at least so I thought I'd take my spaceship for a ride. I'll park it in my hanger when I'm done.

SallyM

Irving that sounds great. But I'll pass on the test drive I'm the type of gal that sees what she wants and takes it without seeing if it is suitable first just show mw where to sign the rental contract !!



The only problem that I can imagine is the fact that I just failed my driving test but I'm sure that doesn't count for spaceships

Yes, I was wondering what you had in the way of a Nebula cruiser or a solar skimmer.

Coulda sworn I replied to this weeks ago!

I the undersigned, being of sound mind and body do hereby agree to return this rented spacecraft unharmed or at the least in working condition blah blah blah blah bladdy-blah blah hereby acknowledge that any personal physical damage blah blah disembowlment blah blah blah retinal damage blah blah is my own faul and the Space Center, it's employees, and especially Irving Washington are in no way responsible.

signed ______________

witnessed ___Irving_Washington___

Yes, we've got a Solar Skimmer and a Nebula Cruiser in stock, but the insurance rates are, quite frankly, ridiculous. I recomend you only look into those if you have a) plenty of cash on hand and b) a reasonablely large death wish.

Well I seem to meet all of the qualifications so lets start talking options and accessories. Most importantly I need a sturdy cupholder, because if you thought McDonalds coffe was hot, just wait until you get a crotchfull of Java Dripping from Salonius Pi.

--------------------- END TRANSMISSION ------------------------

Irving, I need a ship. It needs to be fast, silver, and insanely irresponsible. I want to have fun. Also, if I could get it with Bistrometrics, that would be a boost, but in the least I need hyperspace. I think I'll skip Improbability...

Oh, and also, I'll pay with...errr...with...How's a write-up?

Hi, Irving....
I'd like to know, what do you have in the realm of a little in-system cruiser? Nothing fancy, just something that can get you around within this general area fairly quickly. Preferably a fusion-drive system, with a fairly good navigation computer. And maybe a really nice sound system?

Sorry about the Absence. I'm actually on vacation right now, but I'll see what I can do. Gopher first -- you had a SilverDagger, right? A reckless, irresponsible silver ship? It's right this way. Look her over while I hand Researcher Extrodinaire his (her?) paper work. Just sign here, here, and here, and the deal is done. I can't take your money now, I'll just have to trust you

Okay, down to new buisness...

Hi ajdecon! You just need something for in system flights, right? Fusion-drives... sound system... well how about this *motions through a doorway at a special display with what can only be described as a spacecraft version of a Low-Rider* She's got a killer stereo, custom paint job, and a cold fusion drive. She drives a little slower, but she's perfect for cruising in style. What's it going to take to put you behind the wheel of this girl?

~Irving

Sounds perfect, Irving! How do I rent? (Contract, whatever?)

You sign this paper here, and either pay now, or give me something to insure me that you'll pay for it later. You can rent for an indefinite period, just so long as you pay the initial checkout fee, and take care of the insurance, gas, and service yourself. If you'd like us to do that, it takes more money. You can always pay as you go in doughnuts, fish, good intentions, smilies, etc.

Washington -

I'm looking for a compact one-seater indicative to Calvin & Hobbes's comic, so that I can scare midwesterners and park it in my *small* homepage. Have anything of the sort? and for as small a price as the thing itself?

now I remember, the ship of Spaceman Spiff...