h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*rushes from the kitchen carrying a synthetic space weevil casserole)*
Give me some!
*snatches several shovels, attaches one to the front of the Big Gun, which now sports several exotic cooking implements as attachments*

OK, i'm ready too!
*greets the new crew members, briefs himself on the situation*

*is very relieved about the word "synthetic" attached to the words "space weevil casserole"*

Alright, then. Alundra, Cow, you may have the positions you requested. Now that we have ourselves at the ready, take us out of hyperspace and into the Risa System.

*The beams of light outside the ship begin moving at the proper speed again, and the Crater Labs, Inc. fleet, led by The Mangar heads for the Risa space station to recharge, refuel, and picks up Afgncaap5's 'special' cargo*

I am wondering why the shields are only at half power. On second thought, never mind. Forget I said that. Including you jerks on the Raven!

*Grabs a shovel, and pulls a magic whetstone out of pocket DC-2. Hones shovel to a monomolecular edge.*

Ahhhhh. Another wonderful weapon.

*Acting on a hunch, checks Ampton's wander-off-to room for any sort of transmitter. However, finds nothing.*

*Also wanders what the 'special' cargo is.*

I suppose the "special cargo" must be that ... um ... peace treaty thingy we're supposed to be delivering

Oh and Alien, I made it synthetic especially for you!
It originally came in a packet that said "Just Add Water!" Unfortunately, all I could find to go with it was a packet of Synthetic Water Powder ("Just Add Water!") That may explain the, err, powdery texture...

*wonders what Red is up to, and wasn't the first posting on Hangar 41 brilliantly atmospheric?

*Is pretty sure that everyone is reading everything on Hangar 41*

There's a replicator over there - that's where I got this rather tasty bagel.

[Soft bovine sounds of munching]

Maybe [glurk] you could ask it for some water.

*The giant Holo-Communicator in the middle of the Bridge blinks into life. Chrome101 stares at the image of himself, nonplussed*

[message]Garius Lupus, you are urgently needed in the Space Centre Biome. I repeat, Garius Lupus, please report to http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=35868&thread=54331 ASAP. Thank you.[/message]

*The image vanishes. Chrome101 stares at the empty Holo-Communicator for a moment, then turns away*

Err, ta Davius. I think I ~will~ have a donut after all...

Okay. (Time to thank Eddy, of the space-time continuum...)

*Watches as the space station looms larger on the screen and the docking tractor beams engage*

*The Mangar manages to have a safe landing, as do all of the other ships in the fleet*

Okay, now that we're in Risa's primary space station, we will have a brief shore leave while we refuel and make any necessary repairs. There's a nice souvenier stand, a few coffee shops, a place resembling The Cantina . . .

*Stares at the list of tourist traps on his brochure*

Oh, just enjoy yourselves somehow. Meanwhile, if you'll excuse me . . .

*Dashes off the ship and melts into the crowd of pedestrians outside. No doubt in search of his 'special' cargo*

*Strides off to the outfitters to order some quantum torpedoes for one of his ships*

*stares at the crowds*

Err, I don't think I'll join you. That experience with the message from myself kinda freaked me out. I need to meditate on it.

*Retreats into his quarters. They are done out in a tasteful Art Deco/Voyager Ready-Room style. He climbs onto his temperfoam bed and lapses into his 5-day long meditation cycle*

~Wakes up in sickbay, shouting~

Hard! Hard! Hard you ba--- oh. Sorry. World War II flashbacks. I've been reading Catch-22 again. Acording to my calculations, we should be in the Risa system now. Then again, you already knew that, didn't you?

Hey, Irv. How are you? Captain has given us all shore leave. I think I'll go check out the salami racetrack - it sounds interesting.

I need an asprin, and I want to check out a book store and see if they have "Closing Time" or "Something Happened".

Oh, and I need some new star charts.

~Irving

*Meanwhile, Afgncaap5, dressed in clothes so inconspicuous that only a narrator would notice him, slunk down what can only be described as an alley. Near the end of the alley, Affy waits by the back door of some nondescript shop. In only a few moments, another shadowy figure steps out, and hands a large, lumpy parcel to Affy, who promptly pays a princely sum.*

Thank you. And now . . . it's mine. *MINE!!!* Mine I say!

*He slinks back into the crowd, chuckling maniacally*

*Looks at his map, looks up at the seedy-looking building he is standing in front of, looks at map again.*

Well, this must be the place.

*Sniffs*

Yes, now I'm sure.

*Pushes open the rickety door and enters.*

*The great navigator who once guided a starship through an asteroid belt with sensors gone, using only his own sense of smell, wanders aimlessly out of the hangar. Being able to think on galactic terms means he has trouble seeing the trees for the forest. He once got lost in his own bedroom. He wanders through the spacestation in search of two asprins and set of star charts. He wanders clean out of the forum and into hangar thirteen*

~Irving

*Comes back from the outfitters lugging a rather large box*

Hi guys! Look what I got!

*Tears open box to reveal...*

It's an emergency mass converter! If we need loads more energy or have too much junk lying about, we can just toss it into this baby! Watch.

*Hooks up a few cables, then tosses what remains of the box into a hole in the side of the machine and pushes a button. A power meter on the ship's console shoots up to just below the red zone.*

Nifty, huh? Just don't stick your hand in there...

*Wanders back in, just in time*

Thanks for the warning, Davius. I'm sure this will be a useful device.

*Dramatic pose*

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must open my 'special' cargo. In private.

*Enters the Ready Room and locks the door*

*Sighs, and decides not to break the suspense by peeking in with the security cameras or the various sensor devices, which Affy has probably jammed anyway, or opening up some sort of magic portal, which would probably provoke another skirmish*

Does anybody know where Ampton went? He wouldn't be down in the hold or outside the ship, would he? Computer? Computer! Oh, of course. Affy's probably turned it off so it can't see what's in his package.