h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*walks around the navigation console*

err ... Käpt'n ... I'm not sure but ... well let's say it this way ...
either I stand at the wrong side of this console ... or ... we are going in the wrong direction ...

and I'm sure normally a navigator shoulgn't look at walls while flying, ... should he ?!?

*trys to turn the console"

Um ... AXR, you *are* on the wrong side of the console. You might find the chair on the other side more comfortable,

Oh, and sorry about that Davius. I thought you had had a taping accident. Happens to me all the time.

Ahh, yes. Isn't it nasty when the speed-of-sound tape spewer goes all wonky? It would make a great weapon if you could just hit it in the wrong place at the RIGHT time. Maybe a job for the experts down at the weapons lab.

How long until we enter hyperspace for the Risa system? I have my towel right here. (Oh, BTW Affy: there aren't any ships in Escape Velocity called Protectors, I believe you're thinking of Defenders. And I happen to own a Rebel Cruiser. )

(You know, I think you're right. I know a friend who has a Rebel Cruiser with six Rebel Cruiser escorts, but I'm still trying to get enough money to sell my Corvette for a Kestrel. Don't have a Mac, though, so I can only play it every other school day)

Okay, have the weapons lab get on the tape guns (and remember, any product made on this voyage becomes property of Crater Labs, Inc.), and let's get to the Risa system. Now, we've got five methods of travel: Infinite Improbability Drive, Warp, Hyperspace, Zero Space, and Bistromathematics. Now, which shall it be . . .

*Pulls out a 'wheel o' destiny' and spins it. After it spins a few times, it selects a method of transport*

*It selects "Infinite Improbability"*

Once in the Risa system, we'll land to pick up some special cargo that would make a little extra money for us on the trip to Zork. Now, whoever's at Ten-Forward, set the coordinates on the IIEM (donated by the good people from the Aroma Cafe) to the Risa System.

Bistromathematics? Would that have something to do with the IIEM?
Oh, whatever. I'm near the Espresso Machine.

*Punches some buttons*

Okay, according to the data file... (syst Risa -> x=-48, y=-56) Compensating for the predicted improbability flux... *Punches a lot of buttons* Okay, there we go. Everybody hang on!

(Thinks: I've always wanted to do this.)

Engage!

*The fleet promptly speeds up, then stops, seeming to hang in space for a few moments, before bursting into hyperspace. Looking out the window reveals several long beams of light gradually falling behind the ship*

Okay, we're in hyperspace. Thanks Davius! And as for Bistromathematics, no, it doesn't relate to Infinite Improbability Mechanics, but it is from a Douglas Adams book, "Life, The Universe, And Everything". It basically runs the ship with the irational behavior and amazingly complex mathematics that you get in restaurants. For instance, setting a reservation for two people and showing up with five would cause the ship to move.

Oh, okay. I've only read the first book, though that will hopefully change soon.

*Looks out the window at the nifty effects of super-light-speed, not caring that he's already seen them umpteen hundred times*

*Glances out the window*

You know, when you see this on Star Terk, or Star Wars, or in some other TV show or movie, it doesn't look this pretty. You know, kind of like how you can't quite see the best of a rainbow when you take a picture of it? That's what this reminds me of.

*Looks up from the monitor he has been typing on.*

Um, didn't you say we had 7 ships in our group? I've double checked it, and our sensors picked up 8 ships entering hyperspace ...

I'll bet you 3 Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and a jelly donut that #8 was (insert ominous music here) ...The Mask of the Red Rejection eMail! (crash of cymbals)
Either that or my mom, coming after me with my lunch.

*Checks monitor*

Garius, you're right.

*Runs over to a microphone, and flips on the switch*

ALL PERSONELL ON ALL SHIPS: We may have an enemy craft following us through hyperspace. Everyone go to battle stations, and prepare for anything!

*Turns off monitor*

Davius, if this *is* your mother, I'll be fairly annoyed.

Nah, Mom wouldn't have her weapons powered.

*Walks quickly over to the nearest Big Red Button*

It's at times like this that I wish I had my Igazra class warship. On second thought, I'll save the Igazra for later. Right now I wish I a bagel.

Well, you can always try the replicator.

Garius, or whoever is our communications officer, begin hailing this mystery ship. If it is Red, we'll have to find out what he's after!

*Dramatic pose*

Hmmm. Communication Officer?

*Scans roster:

Affy: Captain and Science Officer
GL: Second in command and general jack-of-all-trades
Irving: Navigator and Communication Officer
Alien: Weapons Officer
Chrome101: Engineer and Cook
Davius: Security Officer *

Ok, Communications Officer would be Irving...

*looks around*

... who doesn't seem to be present. Well, I'll do it.

*Walks to communications console, twiddles some knobs, flips a switch*

Unidentified ship, please identify yourself.

I would predict that he is after us.

*Begins charging himself up in case of a boarding*

Uh... Hello? This is Davius's mother... I just thought he'd need his lunch... Can I beam it up there?

And... It seems that I've accidentally pressed some wrong buttons... I mean those weapon systems being ready to fire... I wonder why...

*distrustfully, very distrustfully*

Käpt'n ... I wouldn't trust those voice, I've a really bad feeling. Maybe you know there are Aliens with mindreading capabilities ...

keep it on distance and the weaponsystem on

And DON'T let it beam up the "lunch" !!!

*Looks at ship on the monitor*

Okay, I know that that isn't Red's ship. I've seen it. So . . . I'm sorry AXR, but this is a chance that we're just going to have to take! Have a couple dozen extras surround the transporter that the lunch will beam to, and beam it up!

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo............... !
*runs for the transporter, but the last he can see trough the glass door is a white paperbag with "ILOVEYOU.mom", then a big explosion is to hear from the inside*

DAMMM, I knew it , I knew it ...

*fortunaly he could shut off all transporterenergy and seal the door*

Houston ... we have a problem! *I allways wanted to say that * Käpt'n we now have a "M2L" virus on board, wich reproduce itself every 42 min, we lost 24 men at the explosion, but therefor I could turn off the transporter we are the only ship infected in our fleet. I will stay here and safe this place, maybe you can find somebody who can destroy this terrible little things BEFORE we come to ZORK ...