h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Weapon's officer on her way!!

*Runs to destroy the virus, but is only able to isolate it in one computer unit.*

Well, that'll have to do... If those packages were mixed up, I wonder who was supposed to receive that one... And if they weren't I wonder what Davius's mother has against us...

Davius, did you clean your room? Do your homework? Scrub behind your ears? I would also wish to know why your mother is after us.

*Yawns and sits down at a computer console*

Okay, okay, lemme see what the problem here is.

*Sits at computer and starts typing furiously*

Okay, Davius, you forgot to mow the lawn.

*Hits head on the wall a few times*

Now we have Red , *AND* Davius' mother to worry about?

*Suddenly, the ship with Davius' mother on it begins firing at the fleet. It appears to be slightly more maneuverable than some of the other ships in the fleet, and makes a hard target*

Davius, apologize quickly! It's the only way to get the password to stop the virus!

*Points at computer moniter, which shows a picture of an ant carrying files to a trash can, and a text box that a password can be entered in*

*Rolls eyes, and contemplates a Neuronic Blast ripping through the hull of said ship*

Mom, I just mowed the lawn, and you owe me $2 for it anyhow. What's the big idea of a package bomb? Do you have any idea what Dad will have to say about trying to do me in? You're lucky I'm feeling pretty good right now. If you just give us the password and go back home now, I won't tell Dad.

*Hits "Send". A few moments later, a message appears. It reads: "Oh, fine. Next time, though, mow the lawn the FIRST time I tell you! Password is Homework." Types in the password, and the file-carrying ant explodes in a shower of goo.*

I really should never have showed her how to fly the Tachyonic Starship...

*Contemplates what sort of lock he will put on his secret hangar*

*watchs disgusted trough the door*

Now where the show is over, can we have a cleaner down here ...

*picks up a piece of tomato from the console*

I'll try if the transporter still works
*starts to handle with a LOT of buttons, switches and cables, and is happy that it was only Davius mom and not his wife ...*

Davius, thanks for that selfless act of bravery. Now, let's see here . . . what's the current status of our fleet . . .


We are nearing the Risa system, and have sustained minimal damage from Davius' mother's ship. Currently no sign of any other enemy craft.


All crew, prepare to leave hyperspace. Once in the Risa system, we'll land in the starport. We can spend a few hours of sightseeing, but this will probably just be a repair/refuel mission. Also, I have to pick up my *special* cargo . . .

*Davius remembers something about some Emergency Computational Hologram which he got free with his Banana Bubbles*

*Notices the newcomer and turns to greet him/her.*

Hello, Cow. Welcome aboard. You wouldn't happen to be medically qualified, would you? We could use a doctor. If not, there are lots of other jobs still open - just pick one and we will add you to the roster.

*Suddenly craves a banana.*

What's the roster like at the moment? I don't want to take someone else job.

Here's the latest roster:

Affy: Captain and Science Officer
GL: Second in command and general jack-of-all-trades
Irving: Navigator and Communication Officer
Alien: Weapons Officer
Chrome101: Engineer and Cook
Davius: Security Officer
The Cow: ???

*Sniffs.*

Hmmmmm. Wonder what Chrome101 is cooking up - smells wonderful.

This is the Commander of the Raven. I demand to know what the name of you ship is so that I may refer to it as something other than "The other ship". If my demands are not met, I be forced to do not so nice things to you all.
/COMMUNICATION>

Yeah, I know about shields, etcetera...
I just wanted to know- I'm hitch-hiking- we going anywhere near Dominaria or Filgaia? Rath?

Aldebaran's great ok,
Algol's pretty neat,
Betelguese pretty girls will knock you off your feet,
They'll do anything you like real fast then real slow,
But if you've got to take me apart without Alundra's Matter Stablisers to get me there,
Then I don't want to go!

And it's my ship. The Unreliant.

You don't have a tactical. Or assult transporter. Or strategier.

You don't have a tactical. Or assult transporter. Or strategier.
I wanna be one! Cow can have one, too.

So, lemme get this straight . . . you want to hitchhike somewhere *and* be an officer? Or are you planning on being an officer until we get you somewhere? Or are you just abandoning the hiker idea?


Red, this ship is officially known as the Crater Labs Maxi-UFO, as opposed to the Mini-UFO (seen in the parade a while back). Alternately, this ship has gone under other names on previous (unrecorded) occasions, such as Defender1, StarSeeker, and Galaxy Zoomer. I believe the current unoficial name is . . .

*Checks a computer moniter*

The Mangar. Currently this ship is unnoficially known as The Mangar.



So, Alundra, you want a rank like the one you suggested? I know we don't have a tactical, so . . .

*Hears a noise, and notices Ampton accidently drop a small peice of fragile machinery*

Ampton!

*To Alundra*-Just a second.

*To Ampton*-Ampton, be more careful, please.

*To Alundra*-Sorry. Lately Ampton's been doing stuff like that. Really odd behavior. Any way, I think you could have a position in tactical. Cow, what's your preference?

*Turns to a microphone, flips it on, and speaks*

To all ships: Red's ship, The Raven, has been sighted. Report to emergency stations, and be ready for anything!

Emergency Computational Hologram? Banana Bubbles?! Hmm... I seem to recall that the Banana Bubbles were rather tasty.

Actually, that ship Mom was using is one of mine. It uses tachyonic drive to go faster than light in real space - no tedious mucking about in hyperspace or weird improbability effects. That's what makes it so maneuverable.

Now where is my emergency station? Oh, well, I guess I'll just declare it to be wherever I happen to be standing. Okay, I'm at my emergency station by definition.

*Resumes charging up his powers, in case Red decides to pay a visit to the ship, or the shields or weapons need a quick boost, or something*

Käpt'n I allready repaired the transporter ... nearly ... just one last thing, Do anybody Know how to cure a Transporter from HickUps ???

I'd like to suggest, in my new role as Emergency* Computational Hologram (and head of Computer Psychiatry) that I have a little heart to heart with transporter subroutine, and try to work out it's complexes. If that's OK, of course.

* Emergency in the same way as Voyager: always on, whether you like it or not.
Also, what should I say when I get turned on? I can't remember (no, not that way!)

A spoonful of sugar aught to do the trick.

Alien, raise the shields to half-power. And put all weapon systems on standby. If Red attacks as we come out of hyperspace, we won't have much warning.

~The Raven's signatures disappear from the scanners mysteriously~


The ship's signal was artificially created by a message bounced off a series of interstellar communication beacons. The original signal -- containing a message inquiring about the ship's name -- could have come from anywhere, as could the final beacon, which could be as far away as the H2G2 space center, or as nearby as that room Ampton disappeared into.

*does some inexplicable button-pressing*

Shields raised to half-power...

And weapon systems on standby...

*remembers something* No, not yet, I take it back... Wait a minute... *runs to weapon lab's and drags a barrel full of shovels on the bridge*

OK, -all- weapon systems on standby...