h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*peers over top of magazine*

I never take medication, it does more harm than good mostly. Ofcourse, I'm not averse to some medications like say that might work in ones advantage

I don't need either dear doctor. Got a mechanised secondary immune system. Bloody effective.

I only take a few dozes of Megaxoraline, a little bit of axadontodroxoline, some metaamphetamineoloxolaminoacid, a little bit of dropolomine and a few cans of feelgoodonol mixed with some addictoabuseoxine.

You know, just the basics.

And yet that gets you this sky high?

No, that's just my low dosage.

*as this discussion ensues on the bridge, nine thousand of the ship's long range sensor activate, sending data signals screaming through miles and miles of fibreoptics to the mainframe logical core which calculates the thousands of calculations at mindblowing speed, then transmits the result across the ship in mere fractions of a nanosecond to be processed by Holly's RAM memory and enourmous CPU, where Holly adds his absolutely massively extensive data banks of information and his awesome intellect to reach a conclusion, which is cross-checked and referenced three times by all his secondary units at a rate which no human could even begin to fathom how to cope with.
Holly's final analysis is mulled over for a million lifeages to him, which is measured by our time as a mere second until he finally takes action.
The resulting flashing lightbulb announcing a ship detected on intercept course is noted by absolutely no-one on the bridge, which is quite unfortunate, because Holly calculates a 99.6% chance that this ship is bad news.*

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*looks at rimmer pecularly*

OK, you have fun with that.

Just out of interest Commander, is that red light supposed to be flashing?

What? No it's not, how very odd. That light only flashes if a ship is incoming. Or when someone spills raspberry soda over the console... How very odd. I wonder why it might be flashing now, this "Ship proximity alertness-bulb", it makes no sense why this light, warning us of an approaching ship should flash. It's a mystery. I can think of no reason whatsoever why this alien ship detector warning signal should be on. Very odd... Perhaps we should investigate further as to the source of this ship on intercept course signal bulb's activation?

Commander WE don't have to investigate do we?

Does this ship not have an insanely powerful computer running it?

He has ups and downs, here, let me show ya!
*taps the console*
Holly? What time is it?
*Holly appears on the screen and with a confident face announces: "July!"*
More specifically?
"Uhmmm... Thhhhuu...friday?"

*turns to Thamian*

Do YOU want to trust him?

Ok. Point made.

Punch up the info feeds and lets get to work. The sooner we find out what going on the sooner we can decide how to deal with the situation.

Right away me old beanbag.

Let's see... numbers indicate a ship of unknown composition, shape or mass. Can't detect a power signater, an ion trail or anything else. So in all probability, it's an asteroid... like I said, the system isn't foolproof.
Oh wait... never mind old chum. It is not an asteroid. It just changed course and speed to a more efficent route directly towards us.

Could it use an inertia drive?

Alternatively, they're using ion-scrubbers and a sensor jamming system.

They could be using jamming system, or they could just be yelling real loud, I think that would be enough to shake off *this* scanning system...

No, shouting probably won't work, they'd have totally wrecked their throats by now.

Good point, let's send out a radio message. Should you or I?

You handle it.

Right away.
*activates comlink*
Attention unidientified spaceship. This is Commander AJ Rimmer of the mining vessel Red Dwarf. I say chaps, what can we do you for? You seem mighty eager to catch up with us, if we can help you out, we will. Just give us a little ring and we'll chat. Red Dwarf Out.
*closes comlink*

Well, that's that then...

They're closing. And signature is becoming slightly clearer but it looks like nothing I've seen before.