h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"What!"

The general manager all but screamed.

"You lowered prices?"

He loosened his tie, breathing heavily.




The new sales manager responded blandly, "...and increased quantity, the advertising slogan said, "MORE FOR LESS!!!"."




"Do you think this is still the 1950s or something?

This is 1984!"

Robot algae were three times as efficient as regular algae at turning carbon dioxide into oxygen and carbohydrate molecules.

Pumped into the oceans in vast quantities, they made a dent in ocean CO2 levels.

Then they pooled their artificial intelligence against mankind.

The snow drifts disappeared just before the man's feet hit the pavement.

"It's an Anti-Snow Force Field," I told my sister. "Only a billionaire can afford it."

"Warms the air, too," she observed. "No winter coat."

"Rich, poor, different climates."

Do some thing unusual by having a radical coffee morning.
Invite all your friends and family to this unique event where people drink tea instead of coffee and eat mountains of cakes by re-writing history which solves all the world’s present problems.

Here comes the erudite Dr *Hank Philip McCoy
who can be very shy and very coy
about having his own X-Men/Avengers toy
action doll that fills him with complete joy
just as he did when he got his powers as a boy.

The farmer's men plowed the fields. The women and children followed, sprinkling silicon chips into the furrows.

Four months later the ripe computers hung from stout green stalks.

"Very rich soil," the buyer's agent said approvingly.

"Better," the farmer retorted. "No bugs."

The war lord summoned the village idiot and asked:
"What's this you are telling people about an ultimate weapon called karma?"
Smilingly he answered: "All I said was, You can't beat karma.
Well, you can - but it will always hit you back"

The Republic of Dystopia has a forest that no sane person ever visits. It's thronged on weekends and holidays.

"Beware of Forest Oafs," warns the cat with the soy cheese grin. "They'll crush you if they fall on you. I should know"

Come and visit the unitary borough of Thurrock in SW Essex where at Grays, there’s a chalk pit which is where people pit their wits against each other and in Mucking people muck about when they are mucking out at the stables.

The planetary laundry had its hands full that day: Earth, the only
habitable planet around Sol, needed cleaning badly. Dirty air, toxic
waste, depleted ozone, desert waste where tropical jungles once thrived.

"Pick it up next week. Starch will cost you extra"

"I have severe stomach pains, Doctor," the Phantom said.

"The X-rays show an opera house in your stomach," the doctor said.

"I've had that for ages, but never this much pain before."

The doctor operated. A tiny chandelier fell on his foot.

Last Summer we spent a month at Maison Verte, the DiFlorio Family's country inn known for its fabulous gardens. With torsos like celery stalks, they resembled plants. The last night, we realized they were carnivorous as well. Worse, their décor was tacky!

"...she's down on the Mountain of Eternal Light, solar power collecter locked on the sun and tracking, the amber light laser locked on the Earth and blinking. You should step outside and have a look. Its magnificent! A beacon on the Moon."

Mercury is in retrograde now, so it is a good time to get that retro look for your home and garden. It’s a perfect time to listen to Freddie Mercury’s songs dressed in your 70’s flares as you rock the night away.

"Parson Jones, your lilies are huge!" I exclaimed.

"I tell them Jesus Christ was in awe of lilies."

"You never have any weeds."

"I put the fear of God in them."

Turns out the weeds had their own God. He wasn't happy.

"Your story is preposterous."

"No it isn't! I fell in my garden and entered the Carrot Dimension. Zucchini, onions, even tomatoes were plotting to conquer the world."

"When will the invasion start?"

"Right....now!"

"I hear the salad chef screaming."

"That's why."

Hobbit’s are fond of food, ale, and pipeweed. They have a passion for singing and dancing at parties and on feasts on special days.. Some hobbits love to go on adventures. They are known to store their gifts in the Shire’s Mathom-house.

"Winchester Snakeblossom, your transport is ready!" said a voice on the intercom.

"Gartidlia, here we come!" Snakeblossom exclaimed as we boarded.

"But there's nothing there, Sir," I said.

"City's too crowded. Nothing isn't."

Giant threatening mushrooms flanked the entrance.

Then everything vanished.

Socrates sat in the marketplace, surrounded by young men. “We must define what we mean by a wise man,” he said. His wife shouted from the edge of the crowd. “A wise man is one who comes home for dinner.”

"My memory's better since I started chewing gum," Aunt Ruth said.

White-haired ladies chewed gum at after-church coffee hours.

At Bingo, bubble-popping made it hard to hear the numbers.

"Easy cure for Alzheimer's," the genie told me. "Next wish?"