h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It is at times like this - and many before - that I miss the opportunity of clicking a "like" button like what they have over on the great book of faces. Your imagination is vivid and your wording descriptive, paulh, please carry on!

Rusty wheels rolled through the alley. Lochinvar Lemming nibbled mincemeat tacos.

"Detective Lochinvar, save us!" cried imprisoned ballerina
Persephone O'Houlihan-Spock.

"He's a rodent in a wheelchair!" scoffed the other hostage. "Besides, isn't this Colombo's case?"

"They solve each other's cases -- accidentally."

After much pain and effort I reached the summit.

Finally, gasping in the thin air, I found the guru.

"You're misinformed," he apologized. "Next mountain over."

"I barely made it this far!" I cried.

"You didn't know about the elevator?" he laughed.

Worried relatives circled my bed. Father Saymass waited outside.

"Your life will flash before you," Doctor Pillenbill told me.
"This medication will help."

I was five again. I had broken my sister's doll.

"This will return to haunt you someday," Dad scolded.

Artificial intelligence made my job redundant. Computers did almost everything better than humans like me.

Living on coconuts and shellfish in this tiny island nation, I planned my revenge: artificial stupidity.

Then I unleashed it on humanity.

Better than reality television!

Life can be so confusing.
People using so many unusual expressions that can be quite bewildering. Facial expressions and body language is difficult to interpret.
Social rules are so difficult for me to learn, so please tell me what must I do?

"You must be Peter's wife."

"How did you guess?"

"The pumpkin shell blouse. Looks like a custom fit."

"It is. Peter's a plant scientist. The seeds were designed
for me. We live in a two-story pumpkin."

"How's the upkeep?"

"Easy as pie."

Today is Drive Everyone Crazy Day.

Motorists, turn without signaling, brake at random, and tailgate.

Mothers, chide your children for growing fat, then push second helpings on them.

Wives, ask your husbands if you look fat. Husbands, blame everything on their "periods."

I writhed helplessly on the ground and cursed the gods.

"Rainius, withdraw your watery barbs! Thundreon, send your unholy drums elsewhere!"

Overhead, the old oak's branches thrashed in Windbaggius' embrace. It toppled, wailing, assaulted by Lightningondra's spear

Bad day for a picnic!

Connect and reach out to each other.
Run with the wind.
Embrace difference.
Seize the day.
Live life to the full.
Sing with all your heart.
Dance like no one is watching.
Celebrate your uniqueness.
You are a truly amazing individual.

In 1973, a lazy poetry professor advised us to write 'list poems'. 'What to Do in Pittsburgh on a Rainy Weekend'….

The resultant drivel was ahead of its time. It belonged on the internet.

Professor Boredom, thou shouldst be teaching us now...

Do you know where you are going?
Do you know where have you been?
Do you know where the river Mardyke is flowing?
Do you know where the mountains are always green?
Do you know good ways of learning knitting and sewing?

I haven't always been a pie. Before I met Sibyl, I was a normal guy - medium height, average looks, a few extra pounds.

"Beware, Sibyl's a witch!" my friends warned.

A week after our honeymoon, I told Sibyl, "Make me a pie."

For ten generations they've been the circus world's foremost family.
They walk tightropes, swing on trapezes, and do death-defying stunts -- all without a net.

Their survival comes from selective breeding. No necks to break.
Plus big tushes to cushion their falls.

"Mark, you're quiet today. What's wrong?"

"Ten elderly uncles dropped in on me last night. Didn't know they existed."

"They're from the Ancient Uncles Universe. A portal opened up from there last week. Be grateful it's not the Vindictive Ex-Wife universe."

Come to the knit and natter club where we have whole lot of fun, crocheting, knitting and having lots of fun. We will talk about all the strange things that happen to us in our daily lives. So come and join us.

"Why are you flying to Sirius?" another passenger asked as we approached the stasis chamber.

"My anti-suicide chip says that's the best place if I'm *determined*
to die," I replied.

"Stalling tactics. You'll be 180,000 years old."

"Better late than never."

Bright light hit me. I saw everything with the Mind of the World: Children picking buttercups, a choir's thundering "Dies irae" in a cathedral, gentlemen on a magnolia-shaded veranda, waves pummeling a doomed ship..."

"Time for your nap," the attendant said.

Hit the road Jack.
Paint the town in red.
Turn on, tune in and drop out.
Be Here Now!
Don’t let the man keep you down.
Bring it home, daddy-o.
Far out, man.
Jump the lines, man!
Right on.
Watch the fro.

My final serve created a tangent universe. The ball slipped through a portal, killing the galaxy's Mouse Emperor. Negotiations with invaders failed and I was hanged.

In the original universe I won the tournament. "You look dead tired," said President Donnie Darko.