h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"How's your neck today, Aida?"

"Still sore, Doctor."

"How come?"

"The usual. I get hanged during every performance."

"Could you change careers?"

"If I weren't a slave...."

"A solo act, then?"

"I tried that. No one came."

"Why not?"

"They expected elephants."

Walk this way
to the cafe.
Talk to Jock
about getting a wok.
Fight the knight
In the middle of the night.
Solve a complex riddle
on how to use a griddle.
Wink at an European mink
when it’s having a drink.

"Eveything is for the best," Doctor Pangloss taught Candide.

Then the Bulgarians invaded. Candide fled to tsunami-ravaged Lisbon. The Inquisition hanged Pangloss as a heretic.

"Cheer up and eat your sausage," Cunegonde consoled Candide. "It's the best of all possible wursts."

"Don't be stingy with the blintzes," said Grand Duchess Olga, our cook.

"Blitzes?" exclaimed teenaged Luke, a war game aficionado, sending six toy tanks against the flour tins.

Young Iggy, in his Superman suit, saved the day.

The Zen Druid watched silently.

Spot the Wonder Dog often pondered world problems -- poverty,
disease, the arms race -- as he rested by the fireplace. One day
he awoke with solutions. He rushed to his laboratory to summon
his minions, but enemy squirrel agents distracted him.

Mission aborted!

He encoded twice with ROT13. Caesar did a full rotation in his grave.

He sealed it with wax. Pressed down against the Basildon Bond hard with a pound coin, kept specially for the purpose.

A Jiffy Bag and printed label.

True love.

Buy wool at the Wooler market in Northumberland.
Meet Basil and Don in Basildon in Essex.
Tower of Hamlets Hamlet stage production is where actors love to ham it up.
The best place to buy Stanley knives is in Stanley in Durham.

"They're blind!" Joan exclaimed.

"Nevertheless, they can't see the train," Doctor Shrinkhedd replied.

Not see it? Yesterday it came for Agnes Donne. The corridor shook!

The Doctor left her bedside as the train reappeared.

"Mrs. Arquette?" the conductor said. "It's your turn."

Today go and activate your latent mutant powers by facing your fears and phobias. For every new stressful situation that you encounter in your daily life, you will gain a new superpower. Come and join the ever growing band of earth’s superheroes.

"Gargamel Triumphs in Buyout of Microsmurft," Reporter Smurf wrote
in his newspaper. "Browsers and smurfphones discontinued. No texting, no phone calls, no Internet smurfing."

"There's an app for this," Brainy Smurf told the alarmed Smurfs, "called doors. Just open them and talk."

"Mr. Hawking?"

"Mr. Secretary-General, the asteroid will hit within eight hours.
Using transporters, we could send five billion people to other
planets..."

"Why not 'planet'?"

"Too many for one planet. Incidentally, my grandson suggests sending
the *asteroid* somewhere else."

"Do it!"

Raise your arms pointing towards the ceiling.
Then slowly let them down and repeat the procedure
for a few minutes. You can do these exercises
when sitting down watching the television or at the computer
or even in the kitchen preparing food.

One cold grey day, the sun appears
with a bite missing – perhaps an omen.
I take refuge from worry and the dreariness
of housework by cooking: walnut bread
and spicy paneer skewers. I dream
of walking the Seven Sisters in sunshine.

I remember the day when Lucas Lenscap, the great mouse photographer,
came to photograph my fifth grade class.

Red beret perched jauntily on his scalp, he adjusted his special camera and said "Smile!" into his microphone.

Some girls giggled.

"Okay, say cheese!"

Is that the same Lucas Lenscap famous for his death defying stunt of capering about on top of the camcorder lense to attract the attention of the cat so as to show the cat's toothy grin from a mouse-eye point of view?

Far from the madding crowd--Not!

Flow gently, Sweet Afton, among your green braes.
I wanted some rest, but it's one of those days.
My cellphone is beeping. I can't make it cease.
I fear I'll be fined for disturbing the peace!

In 1972 in Plaistow, London I found behind an unused covered bedroom fireplace; an entrance to a world where everyone possessed both magical and mutant powers. Once I entered I found a Harry Potter encyclopaedia sent from the future behind a tree.

Visitors to Lord Pillbottle's vast wooded estate invariably found
themselves forced to ride in his fox hunts. That included the great
organist Percival Pedalpusher, whose organ keyboard straddled the horse he rode. Bach Toccatas and Mozart's "Hunt Quartet" entertained the local foxes.

"Applied psychokinetics?

Simple enough.

If you know of some future event, a fait accompli that depends on your volition and resolve not to exercise that volition unless some specific chance event occurs, what must the consequence be?"




"Break out the Ouija board.”

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been. I've where recall Cannot
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ken. my beyond destiny's For


solutions. of devoid seems Life
school. from lessons old those Forget
ablutions, making while morning, This
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