h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Onlookers gasped at the cook, sprawled on the linoleum, a large knife
in her chest. Sherlock Holmes pointed to the murderer, a cabbage.

"He's lost it," most people concluded.

On the cabbage's home planet, cabbages were kings. Corned beef was the enemy.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.

"Your coffee's terrible, mate!" Captain Ahab exclaimed.

"It has its uses," Starbucks said, smiling. You'll see."

Queequeg poured a latte for a pale stranger, who suddenly collapsed.

Ishmael removed the stranger's mask. "It's Moby Dick!"

"See? Coffee's bad for whales," Starbucks explained.

Take one day at a time.
There is a silver lining behind every cloud.
Never cast a clout until May is out.
Do not run before you can walk.
April showers will bring forth May flowers.
Absence makes the heart go fonder.

Dear Uncle Vanya:

My three sisters had a party in the cherry orchard. They asked me
to check off each guest's name. The guests were polite,
though Raskolnikov had an axe to grind. A seagull pooped
on the awning.

Your nephew, Anton

Johnny had often heard tiny feet scampering through the
space between the walls. There was a new sound now: tiny engines
revving, brakes screeching. He checked his toy cars and
saw they were gone: Maseratis, Ferraris, Lamborghinis!
Who knew mice could drive?

Toad of Toad Hall
held a magnificent banquet and Ball.
He invited Mole, Badger and Rat
wearing their best top hat.
They danced the night away
at this Springtime Soiree.
Along with their riverbank friends
who always followed the latest fashion trends.

"Donny, let's talk. Now that you're gone, your father wants Aunt Imelda to have your old room."

"Does she still think she's a chicken?"

"Doctor Adler says she's mostly cured."

"Mostly?"

"Except at dawn. For an hour."

"Why?"

"Father needs the eggs."

Synopsis:

Pogo the possum, poling the Okefenokee Swamp, singing "I can remember the kind of Octember...", washed to sea, singing along the course, "Way down upon the Swampy, River...", drifting ashore, is met by Lilliputians singing, "All's well! What's a rainy day...".

Doctor Lucecannon: Not a mad scientist, just slightly miffed.
Doomday Bomb: His greatest invention.
Thermonuclear Warlocks: Extremists who kill Lucecannon, steal the Bomb.
Inspector Klutzman: Assigned to find Lucecannon's killer.
Plot twist: Author lets Klutzman die before case is solved.
End: Bombastic.

I have created a world where everyone possess both magical and mutant powers from the worlds of Harry Potter, Middle Earth and the X-men. All who reside in Middle Earth are 3x times taller than those described in the LOTR and Hobbit.

Middle Earth?

The region between ancient Vanadia (the Balkan peninsula) and Asia minor (land of the Aesir), before flooding of the Black Sea basin about 6800 B.C.E.

If there ever was a flood that could have put Noah's ark on Mt. Ararat....

"You've been dead as long as you were alive," the Angelic functionary said.

"Do I get a special gift?" I wondered.

"It's a formality. The Great Spirit requests it."

"Will it change anything?" I asked.

"Maybe a better pin to dance on."

Where are you going?
Why are you flying?
Why do you want treasure?
Why do you want so much leisure?
Honey cakes are being baked
Chocolate is being finely flaked.
So come over for afternoon tea
And learn how to be free.

My family's country house was in Blight-on-Lance Cape in Drearyshire. Between the wars we dealt with dark secrets -- the cook with leprosy, three gay footmen [always one left out], the crazy aunt in the periwinkles, and our bloodlust as vampires.

I possess a special round tuit.
It helps me make my own cruet
and go and get the ingredients for suet.
I always have to use it
when I am trying my best to knit
prompted by my unusual humour and wit.

"We're lost," Dad said. "Lone Mountain should be up ahead, but it's nowhere in sight.

"It's there!" Junior said, pointing.

"Why is it moving?" Mom wondered.

"I'm trying to move mountains with my strong faith," Junior
admitted.

"Well, put it back!"

73rd "What do Mushrooms Dream About?" Symposium

Excerpt:

"Profesor Ansom Nolans: I developed a new drug that helped me enter the dreams of Mushroom number 26,903.

Moderator: The Result?

Nolans: The Mushroom was a scientist researching human dreams. It was quite disappointed."

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