h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Edible transportation: an idea whose time has come. How may I help you?"

"I bought your edible bicycle, rode into the mountains, ate a wheel, and was stranded."

"Try our tricycle. Eat one wheel, and ride it back on the other two."

Have you ever lost the plot?
Did you ever find it again?
Does the plot refer to a plot of land
or a story or a play that you wrote?
Were you involved in a plot that
did not go to plan?

The chicken's lawyer explained the new law: "She must have a first- rate meal the day before you slaughter her."

I showed him my table. "Spinach salad, succotash, on fine china," I said.

The chicken clucked.

"Wine's too cheap," the lawyer translated.

He looked older than God -- turns out he *was* God -- but his beautiful female companion was young. They wanted tickets for a G-rated movie.

"Twenty-three dollars," I said.

God handed me a twenty-three-dollar bill.

"Legal tender?"

"Trust me."

Transatlantic Chicken Migration Theory: After learning of Columbus'
discoveries, European chickens vowed to avenge generations of
executions and missing eggs by sending their best fliers across
the Atlantic. Little did they know that they were dooming their
descendants, who became Chicken McNuggets.

This is how to obtain mutant powers:
Think and behave like a teenager.
Wear spandex costumes.
Become angst ridden.
Mutant powers will increase through positive thinking.
You must behave like you already have these powers as
stated in the laws of attraction.

"There's an elephant on your living room sofa. How exciting!"

"This is Milderspoff. He's not shy."

"I'll say! His shirt is so....kaleidoscopic."

"Not unusual in India."

"Or the circus!"

"Yikes! That word makes him jump. I'll need a new sofa..."

"Ancient Documents Quarterly," Spring, 2715

"Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes," rediscovered after five centuries,
reveals a world characterized by:

--Airborne cattle
--Decrepit bridges
--Pumpkin shell apartments
--Schools for sheep
--Blackbird-based cuisine
--Candlestick gymnastic competitions
--Spider-infested tuffets

"Canticle for Leibowitz" scholars interested.

...'the butcher', immortalized in the classic film "The Gangs of New York", 'the baker' and 'the candlestick maker' (who went on to become a fights and sporting events were contemporaries.

"She sells sea-shells..." ...inspired by John D. Rockefeller's mother's seaside souvenir shop.

[Oops! ]




...'the butcher, immortalized in the classic film "The Gangs of New York", 'the baker', 'the candlestick maker' (who went on to become a promoter of fights and sporting events, contemporaries...

"She sells sea-shells..." inspired by John D. Rockefeller's mother's seaside souvenir shop...




[I fear text-mess may be back in a somewhat subtler, altered form. That wooley monkey gave me the hairy eyebal the other day in a form that cannot have been me.]

Boa constrictors held Noah's arms. Monkeys bound him with rope.

"The ark is ours now," the parrots announced.

"What are your plans?" Noah asked.

"You'll find out!"

The Lord spoke: "Noah, we need to talk."

"Can it wait? I'm tied up now."

Energy pulsated through my whole body caused by the crystals that I found in a small obelisk. It emitted a strange mist that enveloped my body which empowered me through manifesting all my desires and wishes through the power of my thoughts.

The Holbein was gone. In its place was a Warhol. Lord Dulles Dishwadder was irate.

"Relax, Uncle," said Egbert, the family art expert. "The Holbein was a forgery."

"But using a Warhol instead!?"

"The 'Warhol' is my daughter's fifth grade art project."

Lizard people
In UFOs
Come by night.

Screams of terror
Pierce the darkness.
Low moans follow.

Bathrobe pulled tight,
Curlers in hair,
A woman appears on porch.

Light blasts forth
From the UFO,
Pulling the woman inside.

It ascends.

Closing credits.

Cartoon.

King Kong's granddaughter found DVDs and players in some aircraft wreckage. She watched "King Kong" with her children.

Some New York executives relaxed in a rooftop banana grove. Suddenly huge apes appeared.

"I *knew* this was a bad idea," one executive snapped.

SIGNS WE'LL NEVER SEE

Shirtless and shoeless customers welcome!
(We're too cheap to install air conditioning)

Please block intersection!
(You'll notice our new rose bushes that way)

Boring Movie alert: Turn on your cellphones.

Unauthorized personnel welcome.
We're getting lonely in here.

"Yes?"

"I'm working my way through college selling yachts door to door."

"Sorry, no one in this house can afford yachts."

"I also sell grand pianos."

"We're tone-deaf."

"...And condiments."

"Condom what?"

"Condiments -- relish, mustard."

"Now you're talking! I'm Frank Furter."

"Zelda, I can't marry you."

"Why not?"

"I'm a human. You're the 600-pound spider that lives in my attic."

"But we like the same things: Wittgenstein, 'Mighty Mouse' reruns, bubble wrap. You're everything!"

"Plus, I love the armadillo in the pantry."

She had everything: silky blonde hair, Spode complexion, the body
of the century.

We danced, enjoyed candlelit dinners, made love.

Then I noticed the cowl and scythe in her apartment.

"Cruel, duplicitous Death!" I hissed.

"One last fling," she purred. "Go out smiling."

"Have you heard about the dish and the spoon?"

"Of course!"

"Disgraceful!"

"Quelle surprise! The spoon's warped and the dish is cracked."

"What will their children will be like..."

"Blame the cat! It kept fiddling...."

"No, the dog!"

"The cow!"

"Global warming!"