h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"You should feel on top of the world -- a Nobel Prize for
discovering a new element."

"Yes, but what an element! Futilitium has no known uses, and
very few prospective ones."

"Make it into a welcome mat for your mother-in-law."

My son the scientist invented something that has me scratching my head. He found that putting wheels on a taco made it move forward.
He then designed tacos large enough to carry people.

I've heard of fast food, but this is ridiculous.

Going to church is such a tiring and stressful experience due to the constant stream of noisy latecomers. My inability to understand the minister’s use of confusing metaphors. At the end I feel exhausted due to the many noisy and unwelcoming distractions.

Thank you for visiting the unloved website. No one has posted here since 1997. We feel that the law of averages indicates a torrent of new posts very soon. We just don't know when.

Ernestine, your accordion is too loud!

42 frogs, using hatracks as stilts, march across the desert. Hordes
of flies, tied to tiny leashes, buzz around the oasis-on-wheels that
the frogs are dragging.

The head frog sings "Old Man Ribbit."

This is disturbing on so many levels!

Have meetings all about having meetings.
Set plans of action that are never acted upon.
Fiddle our thumbs and shuffle pieces of paper around the table .
Fill the time by showing screen presentations.
Always have plenty of food and drink breaks.

I suggested a light snack. So we had a salad of lettuce, cucumber, radishes, sweet peppers, celery, cherry tomatoes and olives, with a French dressing and a choice of Roquefort, Wensleydale and Cheddar cheese and buttered slices of home made wholemeal bread.

"We'd like to buy some free-range chickens."

"You're in luck. We're having a sale on longhorns."

"Longhorn *chickens*?"

"Yes."

"Why do chickens need horns?"

"To give chicken-fighters gouge scars worth bragging about."

"Won't collecting eggs be dangerous?"

"Yes. Be careful!"

It was Leo Tolstoy's first book, written in his early teenage years
after a visit to the vast harbor of Saint Petersburg. He depicts the seagulls, the roaring surf, sailors' hornpipes and the sails being raised. It was called "Wharf and Piers."

- Waiter, there is a couple of horns on my plate!
- Erm, Yes, certainly, Sir, what did you expect? It was you ordering the Buffalo wings, Sir, was it not?
- It was indeed, but I never expected to see horns on those wings...

"Getting you through the eye of a needle was easy by comparison,"
Jack complained.

"Why bother?" Cosmo demanded.

"The singing harp is your friend."

They climbed the beanstalk and watched the giant drink Pepsi.

He dropped his huge straw on Cosmo's back.

Get keep fit inspiration from your pets.
Watch them stretch slowly and copy them.
Observe how they unwind and chill out.
Mimic their animal sounds that they make.
Then reward them with their favourite morsel titbits which will make them very happy.

"Another baloney sky? What did I do to deserve this?" Lester exclaimed. Drops of mustard were falling pretty fast now.

He sipped liquid bacon and watched "Dance of the Annoying
Spirits." Next door, Chocolate Mountain erupted.

He needed Winnie. Where was she?

"Why the big bump on your forehead?"

"I lost in court today. Chickens sued me for putting horns on them, frogs for making them walk on stilts, and a camel for back injuries..."

"The punishment?"

"Then they threw the book at me."

"Almost Dead, a memoir" -- excerpts

Page 3: "Mortally wounded at high tea -- omen, or freak accident?"

Page 57: "I was taken off life support and survived."

Page 187: "My cane disintegrated due to termites."

Page 523: "My wheelchair got a speeding ticket."

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar, Ma'am?" he asked, removing his space helmet.

"Do I know you?"

"I'm Ed Smith, from Asteroid C276."

"That's six million years away!"

"You're my closest neighbor."

"Well, then, forget the sugar, good-looking. Let us party!"

All night long we’ll be singing this same old song
about wearing a sarong when hitting the dinner gong.
People will then start dancing as the music starts playing.
Some will be focused on meditating or praying or crocheting
when they’re swaying.

I’ll take a train through France to Spain.
I shan’t complain if there’s rain
in the mountains, for in the plain,
there may be grain or fountains
under plane trees. I could maintain
a quiet life, without much strain
in sunny Spain.

Who am I? That's too hard this early in the morning. Okay, where am I?

[Looks around]

Judging from the clutter, a pack rat's nest.

Next question: why am I?

Hawaiian eye? I misheard you. Say it again?

It again. It again.

Can you be in eight different places at the same time?
Can you do a week’s work in one hour?
Can you predicate customers buying habits ?
Can you invent new products that will sell well?
Can you increase the store’s profits?