h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

“Separate into pairs and go find a tree to hug.
The half you will be finding out who you really are by doing online fantasy/comic book personality quizzes on your laptops?
Then later on we’ll have lunch and a screen presentation slideshow.”

This morning I bought some Burnyourdough plates at Needless Markups. Then I browsed Ralph Forlauren sheets at Bloomingdulls.

The clerk asked "Have you found what you wanted?"

"Apparently not," I said. "I'm still here."

"Can I help you with anything else?"

"No!"

“We have been regularly meeting here since December 21 2012 to receive our many superpowers along with a more a enlightened and peaceful world.”, as she addressed members of the Indigo Society, who were all very disappointed with the lack of progress.

“Drop in and tell us how you feel about reinventing the wheel.”
“I rather go with my mates and have a very hearty meal
where we discuss new ways of making successive business deals
by improving our humour, spiel and our appeal.”

"Welcome to the International Regression Society," she said, lighting a candle on the rostrum as delegates arrived by coach or horseback. "It is my pleasure to announce that there has been no progress since last year."

The hall's clocks stopped. Many applauded.

- Many people have different opinions of what agnosticism actually means. Maybe we should close The First Church of Agnosticism before it gets split into disagreeing sects?

- I don't see that happening any time soon, so speak for yourself

- I can't, I'm mute

I thought it would be the ideal entertainment: live musicals starring some of the greatest stars ever.

The show turned out to be horrifying. The stars could hardly move or sing.

"What did you expect?" the ticket manager said. "They're long dead."

Who's a weasel?
Who's a zombie?3
Who left the refrigerator door open?

The princesses in "Frozen" are weasels.

Mitt Romney is a zombie when he's putting on his tuxedo, and a weasel when he's giving speeches.

I left the refrigerator door open.

Don’t let discouragement stop you on your vision quest. We’re all connected with the divine truth through the energy of the cosmos, as we’ll all be reborn. It is time to synergise ourselves so as to evolve into homo superior through meditation.

The akashic records may be the solution to what’s holding you back from being able to control time and reality. You will soon be aligned by a power deep within yourself a power that is ethereal, internal sourced from the Terrigen crystals.

In Act Two, Captain Smith will steer the Titanic away from an iceberg

Or not.

In Act Three, Cordelia will stage an intervention, getting King Lear the care he needs

Or not.

Bartleby the Scrivener'll write Act Four - if he chooses

Asmodeus, the Akashic Record's Chief Librarian, surveyed the mess on his circulation desk.

'200 new card applications today,' he sighed. 'Darn that Thinker.'

He picked up a banana from the book cart. 'What is this doing here?'

'Ook,' commented his new assistant.

The probe travelled five billion miles to the edge of the solar system. Its mission to take photographs of the dwarf planet Pluto and send them to Earth. A striking photograph showed a light shape, like the face of Pluto the dog.

Come together as one people with an united purpose as we’re
guided by the wisdom of Mother Nature.
Let’s march to the beat of a different drum.
As we work to re-awaken the earth and bring much needed change into our lives.

It has been a strange day today, since I’ve been getting cold calls. I was asked what the meaning of life is as well what books I’ve read.
I replied it is a tea towel and the number 42 and Black Beauty.

I don’t care what the others say.
I’ll do everything my own way.
I’ve had to learn to fit in your world
by stopping being myself in order to be accepted.
Please accept my special uniqueness
and you’ll learn to be yourself.

The clear moonlight filled me with delight
at such a wondrous sight
walking down to the calm sea
where everything seems so free and easy.
The sound of the waves lapping ashore
I sat down to eat a box of petit fours.

The clear moonlight filled me with delight
at such a wondrous sight
walking down to the sea
where everything seems so free and easy.
The sound of the waves gently lapping ashore
as I gaze at a seagull eating a petit four.

Sound the alarm! Ring the bell!
Run from the giant zucchini from Hell!
For weeks it was hidden under a leaf.
The leaf blew away. We all said, "Good grief!"

Now it won't fit through the door.
Giant zucchini, we're at war!